A bloody mouth

I had a first with Lincoln tonight.  He had his first official fall on his mouth…cut and bleeding gums and all.  It’s never a pleasant experience seeing blood filling your baby’s mouth, but it happens and I’m sure it’s the first of many.  It wasn’t really the blood that effected me.  Heaven knows I’ve seen my share of blood.  I mean I’ve seen my daughter’s chest cracked open with her beating heart in plain view and I’ve seen bloody tears coming out of her eyes and running down her face from her eye surgery.  Besides the numerous times she’s fallen and cut her own mouth.  No.  It wasn’t the blood that bothered me.  It was the fact that my baby is quickly becoming a little boy and there are fewer and fewer things that I can protect him from.  Sometimes I wonder why God didn’t give me an easy baby.  You know, one of those happy, content, and uncomplicated little cherubs.    Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for the world!  But Ava was…well Ava, and Lincoln has not been easy either.  He was not a happy baby, has never been very content, and has allergies to complicate things (milk, eggs, peanuts…and the kicker-dogs).  If you are wondering what this has to do with his bloody mouth, be patient, I’m getting to that.  But I had an epiphany tonight, after Ava was in bed and I was cuddling a slumbering Lincoln, God gave me this little boy because He knew I was going to try and hang on to him too tightly and Lincoln just is not going to let me do that.  I realized that maybe I wasn’t holding on to him in a physical way, but in my heart I saw him as “my” baby.  God showed me quite a while ago that Ava is not mine.  She is totally His.  And then God took our second little one home before we even met her.  So…I saw Lincoln as “my” gift.  The one that I could hold on to.  Almost like I felt like God owed me at least one of my children to be mine.  But Lincoln is not mine.  I have no control over his life.  I cannot protect him from hurt.  I cannot keep him from heartache.  I cannot dictate what he will be.  He is God’s and God’s alone.  As much as I want to hang on to someone that I love with both hands…I can’t.  Maybe this all sounds elementary, because it is.  But it’s a lesson that I seem to have to keep learning over and over.  And I’ve learned that if I’m struggling with something than chances are I’m not the only one.  So, I’m laying my heart out tonight…or at least part of it.  I’m trying to let go and let God, but it is definitely not easy and it definitely does not come naturally to me.  But I know that God is not done with me and for some reason, He doesn’t mind teaching me the same things over and over.  I love that about Him.  I would have given up on me a long time ago.  But He is the ONLY sure thing and He is the ONLY thing that will never change in this life.

That’s it for now.  If you guessed that I am avoiding talking about my thoughts and feelings about Josiah/cancer the last couple months….then you would be right.  It’s not because I’m not working through things and it’s not because I’m not hurting…I’m just not ready to put it into words right now.  I will though because I know I need to eventually.  But thank you for loving me just where I am.

I Samuel 1:27-28
“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to The Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to The Lord.”

Miss Ava

DSC09724Ava turned 3 1/2 last month and we love that little person more every day!  She is always cracking us up!  Everything just sounds cuter and more funny when it’s said in her tiny little voice.

Ava had an appointment with her “tubee doctor” (GI) in August and everything looks A-OK.  We don’t have to go back so see him again unless we have problems.  That’s one doctor we can cross of our list!  The place where her feeding tube was, is healing very nicely and her new “beauty mark” (scar) is in good company with all the rest on her belly/chest/neck.  Ava still tries to play with it sometimes just out of habit and we have regular conversations about how she doesn’t need her feeding tube anymore cause she’s a big girl.  We are equipment free!  YAY!  We have noticed that she is doing more things on her belly, like going down the slide head first.  She would not have tried that with her feeding tube, so having it out has given her more freedom.

Ava has started being more interested in hearing her “story”.  She has a little book of baby pictures that she looks at often and asks questions.  We talk about things very matter of factly and in terms she can understand.  So far she takes everything in stride, which I am thankful for.  She doesn’t see herself as “different” and she doesn’t see anyone else as “different” either.  I love that about her.  She will go up to anyone and everyone no matter their size, shape, color, or age.  Everyone is a possible new friend.

Her vocabulary is huge!  She’s constantly trying out new phrases and words at very unpredictable places.  She is quite the chatterbox at times and one of her favorite things is asking questions to anyone who will listen.  She will usually start off a conversations with “what’s your name?” or “who are you?” and then move into “how was your day today?” or “where are you going?” or “what are you doing?” and she will often follow up the answers for these questions with “that’s pretty interesting”.  Up until about a month ago Ava would never say her “s” or “f” sound, but she would replace those sounds with the “y” sound.  For instance, if Ava told you she was going to put on her socks and shoes it would come out like this: “I’m putting on my yocks and my yoos!”.  Fish became “yish, fun became “yun” sunshine became “yun-yine”.  It was like living in a Dr. Seuss book!  So, we started playing our “word game” mostly in the car and now she does really well.  She has other sounds that we are working on to, but nothing as confusing as those were.  Just this week she has been very interested in her name and how to say it correctly.  Ava would always introduce herself as “Wa-Wa”.  I have no idea why.  Now it sounds more like “Aaaafa”.  Close enough!  It’s a little sad watching her grow out of some of these quirks but it’s just proof every day that she can learn and grow.  Sometimes we just sit back and watch her running around, talking a mile a minute, eating everything in sight (and yes, sometimes all three at once!), and we remember how far she has come and how much God has brought her through.DSCF0665 So many times I’ll run into someone who I haven’t seen in a while or maybe someone I’ve never met and they tell me that they have prayed for my little daughter, and that their entire church prayed for her, and then they will ask me where she is, and 9 times out of 10 I’ll say “Ava?  Oh…she’s….(scanning the area), she’s that little girl with the pig-tails running at the speed of light, chasing that boy”.  People are usually shocked by how much energy and life she has bursting out of her tiny frame.  It can’t help but put a smile on your face.

She can be sooo naughty sometimes, but she can be so sweet too.  Lately she’ll come wrap her arms tightly around my legs and say “I just love you so much Mommy!”…melt my heart!DSC09737 One of my other favorite moments was the other day, she was eating breakfast and I was busy doing something and Ava says “are you my best friend Mom?”.  I stopped what I was doing, smiled and said “I don’t know Pumpkin, am I?” to which Ava promptly replied “Yes.  You are my best friend Mom.”.  She got a big ol’ kiss for that!  Josiah and I were sitting in the living room the other day and Ava came bounding in and said “I have a joyful heart!”.  Hallelujah, all that talk about having a joyful heart wasn’t for nothing 🙂

(“We are friends!” ~Ava)DSC09673

Ava’s imagination is really starting to come out.  She has an imaginary friend named “G-nnnn”.  He is a boy and is 3 1/2.  We have no idea where his name came from but she likes to use made up names for some reason.  “G-nnnn” likes to take a lot of naps and then we have to be quiet when he sleeps.  It’s pretty funny and a little weird, but we play along and she thinks that is funny.  She comes up with very random imaginary things too.  Like the other day she gave me imaginary earrings to wear and she told me they were pink with polk-a-dots.  She likes to “cook” for us and she also likes to pretend she’s an animal sometimes.  I think we’ve read too many books with thought bubbles in them because sometimes she likes to talk in the third person and she also likes to make her own sound effects.  Her latest one is when she things something is funny she says “tee-hee. tee-hee”.  She likes to tell long stories, very enthusiastically, that go something like this “I ran around…and theeeen, I ran into the couch…and theeeeen, I fell down…and theeeen, I crashed…and theeen, I went splat…and theeeen, I cried a little bit…and theeen, I ran around again…and theeen, a carrot seed came up!”.  I am convinced that her word count is much higher than it should be because she is making up for lost time 🙂  She’s a hoot and a half!DSC09801

OK, I should stop…although I could go on and on and on of course 🙂  We just love that little girl, if you can’t tell and we praise God for her little life.  She is a joy and a challenge.  When she gets concerned about things, she always wants us to pray about it.  She is still very protective and loving to her little brother and I love that.DSC09830 She loves to go on “dates” with her Dad or me.  She’s still a peanut, but she doesn’t let that stop her at all.DSC09827 Allllright…I’m really going to stop now.  Thank you for letting me ramble about my Pumpkin!