I had a first with Lincoln tonight.  He had his first official fall on his mouth…cut and bleeding gums and all.  It’s never a pleasant experience seeing blood filling your baby’s mouth, but it happens and I’m sure it’s the first of many.  It wasn’t really the blood that effected me.  Heaven knows I’ve seen my share of blood.  I mean I’ve seen my daughter’s chest cracked open with her beating heart in plain view and I’ve seen bloody tears coming out of her eyes and running down her face from her eye surgery.  Besides the numerous times she’s fallen and cut her own mouth.  No.  It wasn’t the blood that bothered me.  It was the fact that my baby is quickly becoming a little boy and there are fewer and fewer things that I can protect him from.  Sometimes I wonder why God didn’t give me an easy baby.  You know, one of those happy, content, and uncomplicated little cherubs.    Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for the world!  But Ava was…well Ava, and Lincoln has not been easy either.  He was not a happy baby, has never been very content, and has allergies to complicate things (milk, eggs, peanuts…and the kicker-dogs).  If you are wondering what this has to do with his bloody mouth, be patient, I’m getting to that.  But I had an epiphany tonight, after Ava was in bed and I was cuddling a slumbering Lincoln, God gave me this little boy because He knew I was going to try and hang on to him too tightly and Lincoln just is not going to let me do that.  I realized that maybe I wasn’t holding on to him in a physical way, but in my heart I saw him as “my” baby.  God showed me quite a while ago that Ava is not mine.  She is totally His.  And then God took our second little one home before we even met her.  So…I saw Lincoln as “my” gift.  The one that I could hold on to.  Almost like I felt like God owed me at least one of my children to be mine.  But Lincoln is not mine.  I have no control over his life.  I cannot protect him from hurt.  I cannot keep him from heartache.  I cannot dictate what he will be.  He is God’s and God’s alone.  As much as I want to hang on to someone that I love with both hands…I can’t.  Maybe this all sounds elementary, because it is.  But it’s a lesson that I seem to have to keep learning over and over.  And I’ve learned that if I’m struggling with something than chances are I’m not the only one.  So, I’m laying my heart out tonight…or at least part of it.  I’m trying to let go and let God, but it is definitely not easy and it definitely does not come naturally to me.  But I know that God is not done with me and for some reason, He doesn’t mind teaching me the same things over and over.  I love that about Him.  I would have given up on me a long time ago.  But He is the ONLY sure thing and He is the ONLY thing that will never change in this life.

That’s it for now.  If you guessed that I am avoiding talking about my thoughts and feelings about Josiah/cancer the last couple months….then you would be right.  It’s not because I’m not working through things and it’s not because I’m not hurting…I’m just not ready to put it into words right now.  I will though because I know I need to eventually.  But thank you for loving me just where I am.

I Samuel 1:27-28
“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to The Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to The Lord.”