I’ll start with Josiah.  The last month and a half or so he has started to feel more pain.  At first it wasn’t too bad and he wouldn’t take anything for it, then he started taking some Tylenol, and when that started to not be enough he started taking something stronger.  Even with the pain meds, he was still feeling pain in his leg/hip/pelvis area.  He had an appointment with his oncologist in Iowa City last Friday and he did scans while we were there.  The scans showed significant growth, which wasn’t a big surprise.  The scans of his lungs showed a lot of growth too, which was disappointing but not terribly surprising either.  I had been praying that his lungs would be stable, knowing that it would take a miracle.  But, that was just not God’s plan.  We talked about some solutions for pain management and decided that a light dose of chemo was the best option for right now.  This chemo is not a cure.  We are just hoping that it will slow down the growth of the tumor and therefore slow down Josiah’s pain and keep his mobility as long as possible.  This is supposed to be a very well tolerated drug with the goal of not hindering his life at all.  If it does, than we will stop treatment.  Josiah had his first dose on Tuesday (infusion only takes about an hour) and then we went home.  He will get a treatment weekly for three weeks and then one week off.  He has been more tired this week but really no other side effects.  We did not make this decision lightly or without much thought and prayer.  We do feel that this is where God is leading us RIGHT NOW.  We don’t know about the future.

Let’s see…me.  I have had some very difficult days these last couple months.  It hurts my heart to see my love hurting.  Chances are, if you have thought of a painful thought about my situation, than I have thought about it too.  I have a very practical brain, so it quickly can go down very dark paths if I let it.  Sometimes I wonder what the benefits are to saying these thoughts out loud.  Is it really helpful for anyone if I talk about how panicky I feel sometimes when Josiah’s symptoms get worse?  What good does it do if I express how much it breaks my heart to think of my children growing up without their dad?  Ava is growing to be more of a Daddy’s girl and I hate the thought of the morning when she wakes up looking for her Dad (which is always her first thought) and I have to tell her that he’s not here and he’s not coming back.  And I think about how often I am going to have to answer that question until she remembers…and then, what’s more heartbreaking, she’ll stop asking.  My son will not learn how to hunt or fish or throw a ball or be a man, from his Dad.  And I…who once was part of two that had become one…what do I become?  Half?  These are just a few thoughts that float through my mind these days.  Sometimes they are in the front of my brain, but mostly I push them to the back.  I don’t feel like it does any good to dwell on them, but I’m not very good at dealing with them either.  I don’t want whatever memories my kids have of these days to be of me being moody, or sad, or angry.  My prayer is that even if they do not have specific memories, that God would allow them to feel like they have always been loved, cherished, and wanted by both their Daddy and me.  Again, this is nothing that I can control, but it’s my prayer.  OK, I think that’s enough for now.