As I was looking at our family picture above, of all four of us together and Josiah looking healthy and himself….it seems like that time was a dream. When we were just at home and together. I miss it.
Josiah has had some rough days and nights. He is very confused and not himself much of the time. He can switch from being almost childlike and totally dependent on me for every little thing, to belligerent and paranoid and fearful. He can change from one moment to another without warning. There have been a couple times when he has not known who I am and he has accused me of lying to him. I know this is the medication making him act this way…but it still hurts.
Last night he woke up and his eyes were wide open (he has hardly opened his eyes at all in days) and I can’t even explain the look on his face…like he was seeing me but also looking right past me to a world I could not see. He thought his time had come and he kept telling me he loved me and wanting to hold me. We cuddled in his bed for quite a while. He wanted everyone to know how much he loved his children. He wanted to make sure he had everything taken care of. He wanted his parents to come and he spoke loving words to them. He prayed and sang “There will be a Day”. He was ready to go…but God was not ready yet. He was a little restless last night, but not as bad as the couple nights before. He is still with us and I am thankful for that gift.
Sometimes I wonder how much my heart can take. There is a real, physical pain when you feel your heart breaking. I have felt it one time before when I said good-bye to my daughter before her last surgery and I truly thought that would be the last time I saw her. I started feeling it last night and I just prayed that God would hold my heart together. Josiah needs me to be strong. He does not do well with a lot of emotions right now. So…I cry in the bathroom, or as I go to sleep. I can feel my heart slowly…painstaikingly…being ripped apart. But for now, I need to keep it together. I pray I am able to continue to do good for my husband (Galatians 6:9) until he reaches Heaven’s gates and the open arms of Jesus. God is faithfully giving me balm for my soul through His Word. All of my energy and focus is on my husband right now and while there will be some relief when he is in his real home and in no more pain, I know my pain will just be beginning. For now, I am living one day at a time…sometimes one moment at a time…and God is giving me the strength for that.
Beautiful Things 