This week has not been without trials.  It was a big adjustment coming home.  We are of course enjoying just being together and making more memories.  But it doesn’t change the fact that my husband is dying.  He has grown very thin and because of his pain, he is on medication which changes him.  The medication makes him very sensitive to noise and activity, so even though we have had the kids here (Ava for several days and both of them for one night), Josiah does better with short visits.  We know that having them at my parent’s house is best right now, but it tears at both of our hearts.

Last week, at the hospice house, was such an intense time…I can’t even explain it.  Josiah really did feel like his hours were numbered and he was ready to be with the Lord.  It was ripping my heart out so much seeing him in so much pain that I was to the point of letting him go too.  We decided to put in the drainage tube and so much relief was given.  Plus, we were given more time together.  Such a blessing!  But it didn’t come without some downfalls.  I don’t think it’s possible to live through some of the most intense emotions I have ever known last week, without some kind of exhaustion and confusion.

This cancer has taken so darn much of our lives…and it seems to just keep taking little bits more.  I don’t let myself dwell on that because then I would just be an angry person all the time, and being angry is such a waste of time (I know).  I force myself to be thankful instead and to think on the fact that this cancer will not win…death will not win…Christ will be victorious in all of this!  God really does have a perfect plan in all of this and even though I don’t have the foggiest idea what that is right now…I trust Him completely.  When you know Christ as your Savior and the Holy Spirit lives within you, He truly does give you strength as you need it.  So, those of you who tell me that you couldn’t possibly get through something like this…you are right.  Because God hasn’t given you what you don’t need.  Does that mean this doesn’t hurt?  I hope by reading some of my blog you realize that is not true.  But He really does give peace that passes all understanding and His mercy is new every morning.  He keeps His promises and I am resting….no, living on those promises, because there is nothing in this world that gives me hope.  It only comes from God.

Josiah is going home today!  This is such a blessing from God just proving that He can make the impossible, possible.  I can manage Josiah’s pain at home, I have oxygen at home (although he hasn’t been needing it very much since he had the drain put in, PTL!), and I will have a hospice nurse coming to our home to help with anything I need or don’t feel comfortable with.  He is so excited to be in his house again!  We will not be bringing the kids home to live right now.  I know I can not take care of all Josiah’s needs and the children’s too.  They are happy and settled at my parent’s house and so they will stay there for now.  Both Ava and Lincoln were able to come for a visit yesterday afternoon and that was just what we both needed!  I am hoping that we will be able to see them more when we are home.

Josiah is so excited to be able to go home!  It will be so nice to be in our own house again!  We don’t know if Josiah will die today, tomorrow, next week, next month…but none of us know that.  Each day is a gift and we are thankful for it.

Please pray for me.  This is not my first time to bring someone home that needs care…I’ve done it more times than I care to count.  I know from experience that it will be overwhelming at first.  I will need strength, patience, organization, endurance….I need prayer.  I will have lots of help, but the responsibility of certain things rests on my shoulders.  I am more than happy to do this.  It is my priviledge.  It is my act of love.  And God has given me the grace that I need in the past and I am trusting that He will continue.

2 Corinthians 12:9 – …My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness…