Month: February 2010

Hard day

/ heartmomma / 15 Comments

I’m having a hard day.  I can feel another wave of grief crashing.  It’s weird…I can usually feel them coming and I started feeling it yesterday.  The first couple weeks after Josiah went to heaven, I felt pretty numb, but now even though the hurt is always there, grief will come on like…well, like waves…just like everyone said they would.  This onslaught leaves me feeling so drained and exhausted.  Just staying at home is the easiest thing for me…but life doesn’t always allow that.  Tonight, I needed to run an errand after the kids woke up from their naps.  Even though I just wanted to stay home and just be sad…I needed to go out.  By the time we were all ready to head out the door, it was supper time.  I knew I had a gift card to Wendy’s, so I told the kids we would go there after we were done with our errand.  As we were walking into Wendy’s the thought just hit me like a ton of bricks, we were not just having a fun outing with Mommy, we were out as a “family”….our new family…just three of us…a widow and her two fatherless children.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to make it through the meal…but I forged ahead.  This was something that I needed to face…there seems to be an endless amount of things to face these days.  Anyway, I got the kids in, we ordered, and I was getting our drinks when a man came up and offered to carry my tray to our table.  This man must have seen the mother-bear look on my face, because he quickly explained who he was.  As it turns out, I had actually met his wife before, but I had never met him, and they had been reading my blog.  His offer meant so much to me.  I walked into that restaurant wanting what I could not have (my husband and our intact family), but what I needed was just an extra pair of hands and more importantly, the reminder that God could see my hurt and my need and that He would meet me there.  It was also such a reminder that I need to be willing to act when the Spirit prompts me and not quench it….because maybe that person needs more than just a helping hand…maybe they need a reminder of God’s love for them.

Anyway, I made it through the rest of the meal.  The kids had a great time.  They have rarely been to a fast-food restaurant so it was a treat to them.  Ava even thanked me later for taking her to Wendy’s and told me she had “so much fun”.  I’m glad.  My loneliness for my Love envelopes me, but thanks to the kindness of a stranger…I feel God’s love surrounding me tonight…and it is enough.

Wednesday ramblings

/ heartmomma / 18 Comments
  • I know it’s been a few days…I’m trying to find some kind of balance in my life…sometimes I wish there was more than one of me, are ya picking up what I’m putting down?  Sooooo many hats to wear…I want to at least wear the most important ones well.
  • I am so used to making decisions as a part of three…me, Josiah and God…now it’s just me and God and that’s not a bad thing…it’s a pretty incredible thing…but it’s taking some getting used to.  At times I am tempted to panic…if only Josiah was here he would know what to do…but God is right there beside me, ready to lead me.
  • Three weeks today.  Josiah has been in glory for three weeks.  God has brought us through three weeks.  I don’t really find Wednesdays to be any harder than other days…there is just an extra ache in my heart.  But I don’t need a certain day to remind me of anything…those memories are constantly with me.
  • I looked at Josiah’s death certificate for the first time today.  It looks so similar to our marriage certificate…but it means something so different.  Reading that hurt.
  • There are piles of paper around here that I am constantly trying to stay on top of.  In going through one of those piles the other day I found copies of the “Do not Resuscitate” form that Josiah had filled out.  Brought back memories of Christmas Eve when he signed that.  He looked at me before he signed and said “are we sure this is what we should do?” and I looked right back at him and said “yes”…even though everything in me wanted to scream NO!  I can’t imagine what it was like for him to sign that.  I threw those pages away…he doesn’t need them any more, Praise be to God!
  • I cleaned the bathroom this week.  Yes, it had been too long and yes, it was gross.  I had to take down Josiah’s towel.  I had to laugh a little because it was hung up, but not neatly like I always wanted him to.  Then I cried and just held that towel.  Somehow it made me feel closer to him…and that was both good and it hurt so much.  I knew I needed to take it down but it was just another painful good-bye.  I sat in the bathroom, holding that towel, and crying out to God…I had to say out loud “Lord, I would not have him back…but I just want to be there with him”.  No, if given the choice, I would not bring him back…sometimes I have to say that…to push aside my selfish desires.  I love him to much to bring him back to this world.  I actually had a debate in my head of whether or not I should hang up just one clean towel or two.  These are the kinds of things I have to decide…they may not seem like big decisions…but they still take thought.  It’s not like I was given a manual on widowhood (I still don’t like that word)…young widowhood isn’t exactly the hip thing to write about.  So, I’m paving my own way.  In the end, I hung up two towels…it just looked better that way (I know you were wondering).
  • Sometimes Josiah seems so very far away and thinking about him being in heaven is not helpful or comforting.  But sometimes…it’s such an incredible thought I can’t even put it into words.  A little knowing smile will form on my face and a shine in my eyes…I know I have that look because sometimes I see it on Ava’s face too.  Last Sunday night, I took the kids to church (it had been so long since we had been able to go to the night service that when I explained to Ava that we were going to church, she said “again?”), we sang a song that is normally not a favorite of mine…for no particular reason.  But in the chorus it goes through a list of the names of God and as I was singing it, I just can’t explain it, but I pictured Josiah praising God too…only he was doing it face to face…and I felt our hearts connected like they used to be when we would pray together…only better!  It felt like God was uniting us again…just like he did here on earth.  That’s the best I can explain it.  Heaven is more real to me than it has ever been…it’s gonna be incredible!
  • Ava and I have daily talks about heaven and Daddy.  Both of these topics are very natural subjects in our house and I’m so thankful for that.  Just today Ava said something about Jesus taking Daddy to heaven and how Jesus would take us to heaven someday too.  I have been trying to give her only as much information as I think she can handle, but I realized today that I’ve never told her that there are lots of other people in heaven too.  I had also never explained to her about baby Grace and so I started with telling Ava about her and I told Ava that Daddy had her baby sister to love on.  Ava’s still processing that one, but she smiled.  Then I started telling her about people from the Bible being in heaven and Daddy getting to meet them.  I started listing off different names from the Bible and I ended with “and Peter is in heaven too!” and Ava replied “Peter Pan?”.  Wellllll…I quickly explained that one and then moved on to a new subject.  I love her randomness!

I guess I will end there.  Thanks for putting up with my random thoughts today…hmmmm, I wonder where Ava gets that from.