February | 2010 | Beautiful Things

I expected tears and grief to hit me like waves…but this pain…most of the time I don’t let it show, I just feel it inside…but sometimes it just knocks me down like a crashing wave. Everything I do seems to have pain attached to it…even good things are painful because the only one I want to share them with…isn’t here. I’m growing used to this pain…but I still feel every. single. blow. Over this past year I have felt so beaten down. So many blows to my heart…you would think you would grow numb and stop feeling them…but you don’t. So many prayers answered with “no”. Some big some seemingly small…but so many times I heard “no. no. no. NO.”. My very spirit feels crushed by the weight of them. I NEVER lost my faith in God. I don’t even understand how I could have…but it’s almost like my belief that my Heavenly Father desired good things for His children, was shaken. I do feel like God is restoring my spirit…but it’s going to take time. I’ve almost stopped expecting things to go right, so I’m surprised when they do. The day of Josiah’s funeral…everything seemed to come together (down to the weather)…and that surprised me. I was not expecting that. It even made me a little angry that it felt like God waited until Josiah was gone to start letting things work out. I do realize these are just feelings…they are not truth…but they are real none the less. God does love me with an everlasting love…I believe that so much I can almost taste it…but that crushed feeling will take awhile to repair.

I have been listening to Steven Curtis Chapman’s new CD (BTW, God bless whoever it was that gave that to me). It took me a while to want to listen to it. I know the story behind the music and I just wasn’t ready for it. But, the other day, I started playing it in the car and it has ministered to me so much. Our stories of grief are very different (he lost his young daughter in a tragic accident), but our hope is the same. And the truth that we cling to is the same. Here are some words from one of the songs that I turn the volume up high and sing loud to with my hand raised to heaven (just one hand, the other one is safely on the wheel). The promise of this song is a promise of God that I am living for…breathing for….it’s a promise so real to my very core. ALL of this has a purpose. God has a plan…and it’s a good one…and He WILL MAKE IT WORTH IT ALL. He will right EVERY wrong. He will heal EVERY hurt. He will wipe away EVERY tear. He will reward EVERY act of obedience. He will keep EVERY promise. HE WILL.

BEAUTY WILL RISE

“…buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
we have this hope:

Out of these ashes… beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes… beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning…
in the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now,
and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can’t believe I will believe
for you.

Cuz I have seen
the signs of spring!
Just watch and see:

I can hear it in the distance
and it’s not too far away.
It’s the music and the laughter
of a wedding and a feast.
I can almost feel the hand of God
reaching for my face
to wipe the tears away, and say,
“It’s time to make everything new.”

“Make it all new”

This is our hope.
This is the promise.
This is our hope.
This is the promise.
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that’s been made
out of the ashes…
out of the ashes…
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that’s been made
out of the ashes…
out of the ashes…”

I will see beauty again and I will see the face of my Beloved again.

To say this week has been tough would be an understatement. The pain gets deeper and the tears and exhausting sobs come more often. I am sleeping better, which is a blessing…I think my body had finally had enough. I dread going to bed though…it’s so lonely. I think mornings are harder. I wake up and my reality washes over me like a cold shower. Even in my dreams, I don’t think I ever “forget”…but there is some relief in sleep. Waking up, I just don’t want to get up…but I don’t want to stay in my empty bed either. Thankfully, my kids usually don’t give me an option 🙂 I love them.

Anyway, I thought I would share a couple quick verses that God has just spoken right to my heart with…they are both about the morning, isn’t that cool? The first one God showed me the night before Josiah’s funeral. I was feeling…well, I don’t think there are words for that actually, but God gave me this verse:

“My voice You shall hear in the morning O Lord,

In the morning I will direct it to You,

And I will look up.” Psalm 5:3

Isn’t that cool? I felt that verse to my very soul and the next day the phrase “And I will look up” filled my mind so often and kept me going when I didn’t think that I could.

The other verse I’m going to share with you, God gave to me last Saturday night. It had been a tough day and I was taking the kids to church for the first time…alone…the next day. I read this:

“Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,

For in You do I trust;

Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,

For I lift up my soul to You.” Psalm 143:8

I love that God is meeting me right where I am. I have to admit, there have been times this week when even God’s promises didn’t feel like enough…but I KNOW they are. Choosing to focus and believe that He is enough, is my choice.

I am choosing to rest in Him today.