I am feeling…blah today.  Could be a number of things.  I’m probably lacking some vitamin D since I’ve hardly seen the sun in months.  I’m sure part of it is the cold that my kids started yesterday and then lovingly shared with me.  Yuck.  I do think that part of it is the adrenalin that I have been running on for the past several weeks…probably months….is wearing thin.  I figured that would happen at some point.  I know that God has been protecting my mind the past 13 days from remembering Josiah’s last week…in particular his last 10 hours which I can only describe as…horrific.  But those memories are starting to surface.  Last night I sobbed myself to sleep on the couch.  Today, I didn’t even get dressed…I just stayed in my sweat-pants and one of Josiah’s sweat-shirts.  I took care of my kids and that is all.  I had no desire to talk to anyone or see anyone.  There is nothing that anyone can say or do that can make this better.  My kids do bring me so much joy and I am incredibly thankful for them…more than they will ever know…but even they cannot completely touch the deep ache in my heart.  I remember when we got married and Pastor said that I would be losing my identity in Josiah.  I took his name.  We became as one.  I was his wife.  I feel as though I have lost my identity again.  When I am with my kids, I know who I am and what my place is…but when I am not…I’m just not sure anymore.  Now, I know that life goes on…I know that…but sometimes I wish it wouldn’t.  Sometimes I wish I could just freeze everything and remember, relive…and just grieve.  But life isn’t like that and I know that’s a good thing.  Tomorrow I will get up and I will shower and I will start crossing things off of my ever growing to-do list.  But today…was just blah.

I’m sharing this all with you, not to worry you….but I want to be real.  This is hard.  This is really hard.  I try very hard not to say things I don’t mean or I don’t feel…either good or bad.  I want to be honest.  And I want to remember this accurately.  I am not writing this so that you can make me feel better.  I write because I need to get it out…and this is how God wired me to do it and is also how He has led me to do it.  Life isn’t perfect.  My life is not perfect.  But it’s the life that God gave me and it’s the one He wants me to share.