It’s been one month since I heard my dear husband’s voice. The last coherent words I remember him saying to me were “I’m so proud of you” as he lovingly (although a bit clumsily) touched my face. If I close my eyes, I can still feel his gentle, strong hand on my face…oh how I miss it! Such a precious memory to me. That memory came flooding back to me today. I had necklaces made from Josiah’s fingerprint and the hospice house called me today to tell me that they were in. So, me and the kids went to go pick them up. Ava was full of questions…she knows what the hospice house is, and in some sense, she knows what it is for…I had to explain to her exactly what we were doing and that no, Daddy wasn’t there…because he isn’t sick any more…he’s in heaven, praise God! My kids know exactly where the toys are in that place and they feel very comfortable there…the things they think are normal hurts my heart. The staff was so gracious and kind…just like I knew they would be…and I got the necklaces and left. I was fine until we got in the car and I opened the box and touched his fingerprint…made from the hand that I held as he took his last breath…made from the finger that he proudly wore his wedding ring on…and I just lost it…and cried all the way home.
(I couldn’t get a great picture where you could actually see his fingerprint. Trust me, it’s beautiful…and it rests right by my heart)
In my devotions this morning God kept showing me nuggets to get through the day…and then I came to my reading in Philippians which happened to be in chapter 2…verse 1-4 happens to be the passage that we chose for our wedding…you better believe the tears flowed. At first, I was a little frustrated that even reading my Bible could bring up such memories…and then I was unbelievably joyful and thankful that I had the kind of husband that reading God’s Word could remind me of him. I was am so blessed!
So, yes…I have cried today and there has been painful things to walk through today…but I have been able to stop crying and I am claiming that as a victory. Not that I won’t have more days like yesterday, but being able to keep going on a day like today and being able to “do the next thing”, is a clear sign of God’s grace in my life…because when I am weak (and I am SO weak), then He is strong (and He is SO strong) (2 Corinthians 12:9).
I’m going to end this post with the lyrics of the song that I drove home to today. Amidst my tears and pain, I have the most amazing HOPE…someday I will SEE…I will no longer have to walk by faith…I will walk by sight (2 Corinthians 5:6-8).
See – Steven Curtis Chapman
Right now all I can taste are bitter tears
And right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow
But from the other side of all this pain
Is that you I hear, laughing loud and calling out to me?
Saying “See, it’s everything you said that it would be,
And even better than you would believe.
And I’m counting down the days until you’re here with me,
And finally, you’ll see.”
But right now, all I can say is “Lord, how long
Before you come and take away this aching?”
This night of weeping seems to have no end.
But when the morning light breaks through,
We’ll open up our eyes and we will see
It’s everything that He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And he’s counting down the days ’til He says “Come with me.”
And finally he’ll wipe every tear from our eyes
And make everything new, just like he promised
Wait and see, just wait and see, wait and see
And I’m counting down the days until I see
It’s everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And I’m counting down the days ’til He says, “Come with me.”
And finally, we’ll see. We will see.
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good, the Lord is good
The Lord is good. Oh taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good.
Beautiful Things 
How precious, what a gift to have.
And yes, you are blessed. Every moment, every cherished memory you have of your beloved I pray will be forever with you and intensely vivid.
There will be those messy days as you said, but God is there to put you back into place and to hold you and your children close.
Keeping you close in prayer.
Angie H.
What a treasure! Tears of deep love collected by our Master’s Hand. Thank you for sharing the lyrics to the song. It really was a blessing to me tonight.
On my knees for you,
Jamie Mleko sent me your blog. She was childhood friends with my daughters when they lost their dad to Leukemia when they were 11 and 13 yrs old. That was over 18 years ago. Reading your words brings back those painful early days after my husband’s death. My heart goes out to you and your girls and you are in my prayers.
God has proved faithful and seen me through every one of the days since losing Jon. Friends and family were “God with skin” for me. I’m sure you know what I mean when I say I cringe when people think they’re quoting Scripture by saying, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” I beg to differ. Life on a good day is more than I can handle on my own. Losing my husband of 21 years was unthinkable.
Many days my first thought was, “I can’t do this.” I’d have to pray a simple prayer, “Help!” to go any further. I had to take one moment at a time because one day at a time was too big. I’d tell myself to swing my legs over the side of the bed, then walk to the bathroom. Then I’d think, “All I have to do right now is put the coffee going.” Then, “Hop in the shower.” Thinking any farther ahead would have me in a puddle.
Some of my favorite verses are in Deuteronomy 33: 25, 27: As your days, so shall your strength be. The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.
Praying that you will feel the everlasting arms holding you tight in the days ahead.
Blessings, Kathy Ptaszek
Wow. His fingerprint next to your heart. That’s beautiful Jess.
You always write from the heart Jess, and as usual my heart was moved. I wish you didn’t have to be going through any of this, but I’m so glad you are allowing us to share in your thoughts. With all my heart I wish I could ease some of the pain, and dry some of the tears! I love you my friend!
Jess,
The verse I prayed for you today is Psalm 62:1,2 –
“I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken.”
I am so glad He answered my prayer and you had victory today!
The necklace sounds incredible. I have never seen nor heard of such a precious thing. I bought the Chapman album and have been listening to it, thinking of you. There are wonderful words in the songs.
Continuing to pray knowing that tomorrow is one month…
Sweet Jessica–
It’s weird, I have never met you, yet I feel like I know you through reading your blog…I’m so glad that God has given you a way to “release” your hurts, cares, joys, etc., by writing them out. Also I wanted to echo whoever it was on your last post that said “Even if your weakest moments you are my hero”….now I know you do not FEEL like a hero…but the fact that you are LETTING yourself greive and be sad and cry….and being smart enough to know that you needed a day just to be home, and have your mom take your kiddos….shows such great wisdom! And even in those days that you feel that you are drowning, you KNOW and can acknowledge that God is right there, catching you. Josiah was\is right to be so very proud of you, my dear.
I wanted to let you know that tonight you have especially blessed my heart. I was just reading tonight and was praying, telling God “But I don’t SEE how this situation is good, why is this so hard? I don’t SEE it, I don’t understand..”
And then, for whatever reason I decided to check your blog, and was so convicted (and was given hope) that one day we will ALL see…we will ALL understand. We will finally know “why?” …
Sleep well tonight Jess, I praise God for you!!!!!
keeping you in my prayers
Jess, I just wanted you to know Im still praying for you, even in a small city called Camarma, Spain. I was reading in I thes. 3 today and Paul was talking about how he wished he could be present to help them because he missed his family in Christ, and today is a little hard adjusting but I know this is where God wants me. So all I can do for those I love is pray, which is the most powerful thing I can do but I fail to believe that sometimes. So God has put me where literally that is the only thing I can do. So I am praying for you today in Spain. If you ever have anyway specific (although your blogs give a real picture of where you’re at) way you want me to pray for you, just let me know.
Your sis in Christ.
Jess,
I cried with you last night as I read your words. Tears poured out especially as I read your words about Philippians. What an amazing amazing amazing thing that of all memories you have, reading God’s word with Josiah will forever remain with you. I am praying today that God will be your strength. I am praying that you will rest in Him and “Cling to the Cross.” I listen to this song by Bethany Dillon a lot-it just speaks wonders…thought you’d enjoy the lyrics. (sorry its kind of lengthy) Praying for you dear Jess and love you much! annie.
My soul is weak
My heart is numb
I cannot see
But still my hope
Is found in You
I’ll hold on tightly
You will never let me go
Jesus, You will never fail
My soul is weak
My heart is numb
I cannot see
But still my hope
Is found in You
I’ll hold on tightly
You will never let me go
Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail
Simply to the cross I cling
Letting go
Of all earthly things
I’m clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as I am free
Jesus, You are all I need
I’m clinging to the cross
Even darkness
Is as light to You, my Lord
So light the way
And lead me home
To that place
Where every tear is wiped away
Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail
Simply to the cross I cling
Letting go
Of all earthly things
I’m clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as I am free
Jesus, You are all I need
I’m clinging to the cross
What a Saviour
What a story
You were crucified
But now You are alive
So amazing
Such a mystery
You were crucified
But now You are alive
Simply to the cross I cling
Letting go
Of all earthly things
I’m clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as I am free
Jesus, You are all I need
I’m clinging to the cross
Grace’s made a way
And lead me to the One
That is higher than none
Lead me
Lead me
Lead me
Grace’s made a way
Sent me to the cross I cling
Letting go
Of all earthly things
I’m clinging to the cross
Clinging to the cross
Hey Beauty =)
This post made me smile. And keep smiling more. I could hear the joy bursting through the sorrow, and that is God’s joy…and what an exciting thing. SOO glad you had that necklace made. How precious. My parents and friends back home ask all the time how you are…And every time I have the honor to say “ya know, I know she’s struggling, and there must be pain that we will never comprehend, but the girl is in LOVE with her Savior, and she’s making it…day by day…she’s gonna make it.” LOVE YOU Jess =)
…listening to the chapman album while reading your blog and the replies… You are Faithful, God.
Dear Jessica,
The imprint Josiah made upon your life now rests on your breast and that hand is holding onto our Lord just as the Lord is holding onto your hand and will carry you through your grief journey.
Peace!
Jessica, I’m passing on the lyrics of Steven Curtis Chapman’s song to another 17-year old Jessica who just lost her mother to cancer. My son Jerry had also told me about this touching, healing song. My prayers are with you.