Month: March 2010

One month

/ heartmomma / 23 Comments

I’m not sure where to begin.  It’s been one month…one whole month.  I’m not sure how that’s possible since in so many ways it seems like just yesterday.  I remember coming home the night Josiah died and going into our room…my room (I still have trouble calling it that)…and just kneeling on the floor, unable to sit on our bed, and weeping.  Oh, the pain was so deep.  I remember wondering at the time how I could keep breathing when I needed to remind myself to take every. single. breath and it hurt so much.  How could my heart keep beating when it felt like it was shattered?  How could my body keep living when half of it was missing?  So many times I have pressed my hand against my chest to try to stop the real physical pain that is there.  So many times “doing the next thing” is simply taking a breath and I have to repeat “just breath. just breath. just breath…”.

It’s been one month.  One month since I was both wife and nurse…caring for him…loving him…night and day.  Helping him with even the most ordinary tasks…but trying so desperately to do it in such a way that he still felt like the man that I saw him as.  Feeling so lonely for him even though he was right next to me.  Making decisions for his care that no one should have to make.  His last day, I barely left his side.  I was so focused on my last promise to him…that I would do everything in my power so that he would feel nothing.  There was nothing and nobody else on my mind.  Every inch of me was tuned into his every breath.

It’s been one month.  Lincoln turned 15 months old today.  It absolutely breaks my heart to know that he will never know his Daddy.  He doesn’t even know what he’s missing.  He’s learning so much right now and it tears me up inside that I can’t share it with Josiah and see that proud grin on his face.

It’s been one month.  Ava always refers to Josiah as “my Dad”.  She misses him a lot.  She doesn’t cry every night like she did that first week…but the other night she just sobbed and said “I just miss my Dad”.  I hurt so much for her…she’s so tender.  She’s having to learn such hard lessons so early.  But I am trusting that God will use it mightily in her life.

It’s been one month.  God shows Himself to me every.single.day and I am grateful because I am learning that what He showed me yesterday to get through the day usually doesn’t work for today.  I have never had to declare to my heart that God is faithful like I have had to do every day this past month.  It doesn’t just come naturally anymore.  It’s a definite, clear, and often forceful choice that I make (listen to Steven Curtis Chapman’s song “Faithful”.  He puts it better and it’s probably my favorite song on the album).  But I have also never been quite so clear in my purpose to glorify God.  Because without that purpose…I would have no reason to live.  My kids cannot be the only reason why I keep breathing…that’s not fair to them and it’s not healthy for me.  Of course, they are the two most important people in my life…but they can never be my sole purpose for living.  They will leave me someday too…only my Heavenly Father will ALWAYS be with me.  I am gaining a new and deeper understanding of who my God is and I know He will fill every empty place in my heart (and there are MANY of them).  He PROMISES to heal my broken heart (Psalm 147:3)…and I really have no idea how on earth He’s going to do it…but I trust that He will.  Will it leave a scar?  Of course it will.  But that will just be proof of all that He has done.

I love this song…and I know, I know, more song lyrics…but God created music and He created a capacity in us to be touched by music, so I’m going with it.

What Faith can Do – Kutless

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

I have seen all of those take place in my life…except that last one…I’m walking in faith for that.

It’s been a month Baby.  What wonders you have seen…I can’t wait to have you as my tour guide.

I’ll see you soon.

See

/ heartmomma / 14 Comments

It’s been one month since I heard my dear husband’s voice.  The last coherent words I remember him saying to me were “I’m so proud of you” as he lovingly (although a bit clumsily) touched my face.  If I close my eyes, I can still feel his gentle, strong hand on my face…oh how I miss it!  Such a precious memory to me.  That memory came flooding back to me today.  I had necklaces made from Josiah’s fingerprint and the hospice house called me today to tell me that they were in.  So, me and the kids went to go pick them up.  Ava was full of questions…she knows what the hospice house is, and in some sense, she knows what it is for…I had to explain to her exactly what we were doing and that no, Daddy wasn’t there…because he isn’t sick any more…he’s in heaven, praise God!  My kids know exactly where the toys are in that place and they feel very comfortable there…the things they think are normal hurts my heart.  The staff was so gracious and kind…just like I knew they would be…and I got the necklaces and left.  I was fine until we got in the car and I opened the box and touched his fingerprint…made from the hand that I held as he took his last breath…made from the finger that he proudly wore his wedding ring on…and I just lost it…and cried all the way home.

(I couldn’t get a great picture where you could actually see his fingerprint. Trust me, it’s beautiful…and it rests right by my heart)

In my devotions this morning God kept showing me nuggets to get through the day…and then I came to my reading in Philippians which happened to be in chapter 2…verse 1-4 happens to be the passage that we chose for our wedding…you better believe the tears flowed.  At first, I was a little frustrated that even reading my Bible could bring up such memories…and then I was unbelievably joyful and thankful that I had the kind of husband that reading God’s Word could remind me of him.  I was am so blessed!

So, yes…I have cried today and there has been painful things to walk through today…but I have been able to stop crying and I am claiming that as a victory.  Not that I won’t have more days like yesterday, but being able to keep going on a day like today and being able to “do the next thing”, is a clear sign of God’s grace in my life…because when I am weak (and I am SO weak), then He is strong (and He is SO strong) (2 Corinthians 12:9).

I’m going to end this post with the lyrics of the song that I drove home to today.  Amidst my tears and pain, I have the most amazing HOPE…someday I will SEE…I will no longer have to walk by faith…I will walk by sight (2 Corinthians 5:6-8).

See – Steven Curtis Chapman

Right now all I can taste are bitter tears
And right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow
But from the other side of all this pain
Is that you I hear, laughing loud and calling out to me?

Saying “See, it’s everything you said that it would be,
And even better than you would believe.
And I’m counting down the days until you’re here with me,
And finally, you’ll see.”

But right now, all I can say is “Lord, how long
Before you come and take away this aching?”
This night of weeping seems to have no end.
But when the morning light breaks through,
We’ll open up our eyes and we will see

It’s everything that He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And he’s counting down the days ’til He says “Come with me.”
And finally he’ll wipe every tear from our eyes
And make everything new, just like he promised
Wait and see, just wait and see, wait and see

And I’m counting down the days until I see
It’s everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And I’m counting down the days ’til He says, “Come with me.”
And finally, we’ll see. We will see.

Oh taste and see that the Lord is good, the Lord is good
The Lord is good. Oh taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good.