The ache in my heart is not constant as it was at first…but when it hits, it hits hard. It is deep and it is painful. I am already tired of wishing I could ask Josiah about things that come up…oh how I long to ask him. There are so many things that we did discuss, but there are so many other things that both of us did without a thought and now I am left wondering what to do about them. Josiah would know. I find myself having to dissect my life into different categories and then decide who the best person is to discuss them with. I miss just having one person to go to for all things. The day after Josiah’s funeral Ava found Josiah’s cell phone and said “Oops, Daddy forgot his phone!”. I of course explained to her why Daddy “forgot” his phone, but in my head I was thinking how nice it would be to have that line of communication with him. Just to hear his voice. Just to have his confirmation that I am doing OK. Just to ask his advice. Just to hear him say “I love you”. I know this line of thinking isn’t helpful…but sometimes I can’t help it. I am so very human and I so desire that human connection with my Beloved. Oh, how I miss him.
But I am not naive enough to think that if he was here that all my problems would be solved and my life would be perfect. Far from it. Marriage, while it can be beautiful, is not perfect and is not easy. I am so looking forward to the day when Josiah and my relationship will be perfect for the first time. We will have no selfish ambition. No pride. No anger. No miscommunication. No sin. And I know, at that moment, this time apart will seem like a blink of an eye and I will gain that perfect heavenly perspective that I lack right now and my heart will be completely healed.
Until then, I cling to God’s promises and I strive to trust in my Savior completely so He will make my path straight and very obvious to me (Psalm 5:8). He is near to me (Psalm 34:18a).
Beautiful Things 
Thank you for posting so we know how you are. Thank you again for putting the emotions of young widowhood into words.
I don’t know how the weather is in your neck-of-the-woods, but it has been drizzly and cool all day here. My emotions have felt the same.
Two things I wrote in the front of the bible have been encouragement to me today:
“Believe God’s word and power more than you believe your own emotions and experiences. Your Rock is Christ, and it’s not the Rock which ebbs and flows, but your sea.” ~Samuel Rutherford
And a fellowgriever said this: “It is a daily struggle to keep our faith, but God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit has His unbreakable grip on us and none of us will be defeated by this.”
So today, I rest on the Rock, I rest in His unbreakable grip…
And I pray that you feel His strong arms around you too, Jessica.
Heavenly father please reveal your self to Jessica in this moment of doubt and fear. l pray that you reassure every decision and step in her life in a very powerful way. I pray for protection and provision for her and the children. Please provide for that peace that surpasses all understanding. Surround her with people that know you and love you so she feels secure in the compounds of your family and your love. I ask you for vision and purpose in her life and that she feels the strong grip you have on her so she does not feel she is falling.
I ask you all these in your beautiful name.
Amen.
Hello! I’ve never met you but I’ve been reading your blog and praying for you! I wanted to share a poem that meant a lot to me when my family went through a difficult time.
Bend in the Road
When we feel we have nothing left to give
And we are sure that the song has ended,
When our day seems over and the shadows fall
And the darkness of the night has descended,
Where can we go to find the strength
To valiantly keep on trying?
Where can we find the hand that will dry
The tears that the heart is crying?
There’s but one place to go and that is to God,
And dropping all pretense and pride,
We can pour out our problems without restraint
And gain strength with Him at our side.
And together we stand at life’s cross roads
And view what we think is the end,
But God has a much bigger vision,
And He tells us it’s only a bend.
For the road goes on and is smoother,
And the pause in the song is a rest,
And the part that’s unsung and unfinished
Is the sweetest and richest and best.
So rest and relax and grow stronger
Let go and let God share your load.
Your work is not finished or ended
You’ve just come to a bend in the road.
Helen Stiener Rice
Wow. The Helen Stiener Rice poem was amazing. Praise God for her gift of poetry. That spoke volumes. Thanks for posting it Rebecca. Jess – “He is near to me.” Amen. He is. There are two young women on trial in Iran for being Christians today. That is one of the things we were asked to pray on their behalf; that they would know He is near to them. There are some beautiful times that we FEEL God’s nearness. I need to accept the truth of His nearness when I don’t feel it. I pray for an acceptance of the truth revealed in scripture. We’re forgiven! We’re completely transformed, new creatures! He is near to us! Emmanuel, God is with us – literally! It’s so difficult to accept those truths moment by moment…..in the mundane times of changing icky diapers (it was a bad diaper day here!) and when the diagnosis is bad and when our loved ones don’t come home to us. Ever again. I have to keep reminding myself that He knows it’s hard to be us. He knows and He cares and He’s near to us. Be still my soul, the Lord is on your side. 🙂 If I were ever going to get a tattoo, and I’m not ever willingly going to get a tattoo, that would be a contender. “Be still my soul.” Or maybe just, “Shut up, self!” Whatever works.
Dear Jessica,
When you are up for it, I really would like to share something with you not so publicly and also ask you a question. Please contact me.
Thank you so much!
Christine Scott
Thanks for sharing, Jess. You bring a reality to life that most of us do not think about. It is good. It makes me really grateful. Continuing to pray for your needs…
Remembering you, your children and all of Josiah’s family in my prayers. Just wanted you to know that.
Jess,
I continue to read your blog. I also continue to pray for you and the kids. I can’t imagine all of the things that you must deal with on a daily basis. There’s so much that needs to be done with 2 little ones. They are so beautiful and precious!! God will continue to support you and show you the way.
I look forward to reading more on you and the kids. Thanks for being so truthful and open in all of your blogs. It gives us inspiration!!
Love,
Carrie, Michael, Mason & Emma Sauers