I usually have a pretty good idea of what I’m going to do with my evenings.  But tonight I feel restless…unsettled…weary.  It’s a strange combination and I’m not sure what to do with it.

Sometimes I can’t believe that this is my life.  How did this happen?  Was it really only a year ago that cancer entered our lives?  How could my life change so much in such a short period of time?  Was that really me that watched my husband die?  How can I already be a widow at the age of 25?  Sometimes I look at our wedding photo hanging on my bedroom wall and I miss that girl looking back at me.  I miss that innocent love shining in our eyes.  I miss the dreams we had together.  I miss the laughter we shared.  I miss quiet evenings after the kids were in bed…it was his favorite time of the day…he told me that often.  I miss being a part of him…I miss the part of me that disappeared when he died.

I am adjusting and I am learning so much…but sometimes this all feels like a dream and there is a tiny little part of my brain that still thinks he’s coming back.  It’s tough having that conflict because the rest of me knows he’s never coming back….but there is that little bit of me that just doesn’t want to believe that.

There are some things from this past year that I know I just need to write down so I can stop rehashing them in my brain…but I just can’t quite make myself do it…it hurts too much.

I have started going through “our” bedroom, packing up Josiah’s things and making it into “my” bedroom.  I knew from almost the moment after Josiah died that I would need to do this…but I haven’t been able to until this week.  It’s been a good thing.  I found his journal and read the entire thing.  Such precious words.

Well, I guess I just needed to get some things “out” tonight…and have a good cry while I was doing it.  I feel better.  Writing things down is just such a release for me…it’s how God made me.

Thanks for listening.