Month: April 2010

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/ heartmomma / 8 Comments

The ache in my heart is not constant as it was at first…but when it hits, it hits hard.  It is deep and it is painful.  I am already tired of wishing I could ask Josiah about things that come up…oh how I long to ask him.  There are so many things that we did discuss, but there are so many other things that both of us did without a thought and now I am left wondering what to do about them.  Josiah would know.  I find myself having to dissect my life into different categories and then decide who the best person is to discuss them with.  I miss just having one person to go to for all things.  The day after Josiah’s funeral Ava found Josiah’s cell phone and said “Oops, Daddy forgot his phone!”.  I of course explained to her why Daddy “forgot” his phone, but in my head I was thinking how nice it would be to have that line of communication with him.  Just to hear his voice.  Just to have his confirmation that I am doing OK.  Just to ask his advice.  Just to hear him say “I love you”.  I know this line of thinking isn’t helpful…but sometimes I can’t help it.  I am so very human and I so desire that human connection with my Beloved.  Oh, how I miss him.

But I am not naive enough to think that if he was here that all my problems would be solved and my life would be perfect.  Far from it.  Marriage, while it can be beautiful, is not perfect and is not easy.  I am so looking forward to the day when Josiah and my relationship will be perfect for the first time.  We will have no selfish ambition.  No pride.  No anger.  No miscommunication.  No sin.  And I know, at that moment, this time apart will seem like a blink of an eye and I will gain that perfect heavenly perspective that I lack right now and my heart will be completely healed.

Until then, I cling to God’s promises and I strive to trust in my Savior completely so He will make my path straight and very obvious to me (Psalm 5:8).  He is near to me (Psalm 34:18a).

Heavy Day

/ heartmomma / 13 Comments

I’m having a bit of a “heavy day” today.  I won’t go into a lot of detail of all the reasons “why”…there are several.  It’s ok though, it’s saves me the trouble of worrying that I’m doing “too good” for a woman who just buried her husband 2 months ago.

I think it started when I took Ava to Target after her dentist check-up (which went great BTW).  We were wandering around because, since we didn’t have Lincoln with us, we could meander to our heart’s content…and both of us love to meander at Target 🙂  Anyway, we were looking at bicycle helmets and Ava pipes up with “I think my Dad will teach me how to ride a bike”.  Thud went my heart and my breathing immediately became tight.  I assured Ava that someone would definitely teach her how to ride her bike…but it wouldn’t be her Daddy.  There was more to that conversation..but that is not that unusual for us anymore.  We have regular conversations in whatever isle we are in about “why did my Daddy have to go to heaven?” or “I used to share that candy bar with Daddy didn’t I?”…yep, not your typical conversation while comparing yogurt but it’s our life.  I always answer her questions no matter where we are or who we are with because I told her that she could talk about Daddy and ask me anything at anytime and I need to keep that promise.  Today’s question was just more difficult for me to swallow…maybe because it’s something I had thought of when the worst thing we thought was going to happen was Josiah losing his leg.  Now, the thought of all those special “Daddy things” that they won’t be doing together just hurts.  And to have to explain that to my little 4-year old…well…it’s just a heavy thing to do.  So, we “perused” a little longer than I had planned until I could think again and breathe somewhat normally.  We made the rest of our time fun and ended with a trip through the drive through and a “picnic” in the back seat of our van (it was pouring rain at the time) while listening to a story CD.  I am thankful that I can now have those tight breathing/little panic attacks and get through them and move on much faster these days.  The heaviness remains, but I am more able to keep functioning through the pain.  Tears are becoming more healing and not just exhausting.  And my God remains faithful even on these heavy days.