The kids and I are heading out soon on a Johnson clan vacation! I am not planning on blogging while I’m gone so I put up a few posts I’ve been working on to tide you over until we get back…ha. Actually, it’s just something I needed to cross off my mental list.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to all who were praying for us last weekend (Father’s Day). It was actually a fairly uneventful day besides Lincoln being sick. Staying at home from church with my sick little boy was actually a blessing. I was thankful that God was not calling me to face going to church that day without Josiah by my side. I am learning more and more instead of getting frustrated by interruptions in my “plan”, to look for His unexpected blessings or to ask God what He wants to teach me, who He want me to pray for (when I can’t sleep), or what He wants me to do instead. It’s really quite freeing.
Sunday night as I was putting Ava to bed, she just seemed sad. This is not totally unusual for her, but it had been awhile. I asked her what was wrong (even though my heart already knew) and she said she missed her Daddy. I had prepared her for Father’s day and she had been fine with everything I thought…but I think she just let it all hit her that night. I showed her the card she had made Josiah last year and we looked through the book I had made him with pictures of him and the kids for a long time. Some of the pictures brought up funny memories and we giggled, but there were some taken in the hospital and those prompted some questions from Ava. I spoke with her honestly even though the pain on her face was almost more than I could bear. Everything I told her I always brought back to how much her Daddy had loved her and how proud of her he was and how beautiful he thought she was. Tears ran down my face as I listened to her heartbreaking little sobs…so deep and tender coming from my 4-yr old. She didn’t really want to be held, although I tried for a while. She lay down and when I asked her if she wanted me to stay with her she said no. Oh my heart! Everything in me just wanted to do something to make it better…but this was no owie that I could kiss…this is a hurt so deep only her Heavenly Father can heal. I guess most of the time I just don’t want to think about how much this has affected my children. I don’t want to believe that my sweet innocent baby girl is capable of grieving…but she is and it breaks my heart. They both react differently at different times. Lincoln doesn’t even really know what change as occured…but it affects him for sure. Oh God, give me wisdom, understanding, and patience as I try to guide them through a wilderness I am struggling to understand myself.
So…on that note…we are off! Just kidding. I’ll end with a verse that has been soooo precious to me this past month:
“From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I”
(Psalm 61:2…although the whole Psalm is amazing)
I am hoping that our vacation is good for all of us. Pray for us would you?
Beautiful Things 
Thank you for posting. It is exciting to see what God can teach us and make us during times of trials. He IS a loving God and it IS comforting to know that. It is also comforting to know that people do pray and bring us before the throne. May God continue to give you the strength needed to be a mommy, and may He also continue to carry you through this journey.
I’m sure there isn’t an hour that goes by that you don’t wonder how this will effect both Lincoln and Ava, and you. I’ll keep praying that His hand of strength, protection and comfort hold you and your family.
-Luke
After reading your latest entries…picked up the Bible and read that Ps this morning. Wow! Thanks for sharing. Praying for wisdom & strength for you daily as you lead precious Ava and Lincoln thru the good and hard times of every day. We love you and can’t wait for this coming week! Woo-Hoo! Hugs~
Oh, Jessica, I hear you, I understand………this is a hard journey and it IS SO DIFFICULT as a mom not to be able to shield our little ones from the grief. Or to take away the pain……many times I cry out to our Heavenly Father to speak comfort to their hearts in ways I could not. He is faithful, He will answer. God is working a good work in all of us, including our children, in the midst of our sorrow, He is molding a masterpiece as the song goes. And beauy will rise from the ashes………
Thank you for sharing your insight on God’s interruptions in our plans. It is very freeing like you said.
Psalm 61 Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Again last night I ran to that verse. I felt overwhelmed and prayed it at supper. Later I could hear my son singing it in our own little song–“Lead me to the rock, lead me to the rock, lead me to the rock that is higher than I!!” God used my precious child to comfort my heart.
Praying for you all to have a good, fun, and healing vacation.
Praying.
Well it’ll be a rowdy rompin’ good time with the Johnson clan I’m sure! Have a wonderful time and you can count on those prayers chickie. On an interesting side note, the kids and I have a fav cd by Ricky Skaggs and Kentucky Thunder called “Soldier of the Cross” and on that cd Ricky sings a song based on the scrip you mentioned and the hook line of the song says, “Lead me to the rock that is higher than thine”. I’m guessing it’s an old hymn? Anyway, if you googled it I’m sure there are lyrics out there or someone else who has sung it (I’m not a big fan of the version on this cd – sorry Ricky!). The tune is beautiful and the words are absolutely therapeutic to my soul. You might check it out…
Have fun on your getaway!
m
Oh yes, He cares. I know, He cares. His heart is touched by my grief…. This song has been on my mind so much lately, maybe it will also help comfort you. Continuing to pray.
Jessica, I pray God’s blessing upon you, Lincoln, Ava, Dennis, and Mary and all other Johnson clan members!
I am awe struck at your ability to recognize, verbalize, and react to the symptoms of grief you and your children are experiencing. Grieving is a long, painful journey, but as you so wisely acknowledge and deal with the pangs of grief, you are helping yourself and your children begin to heal. The wound is deep, but eventually you and your children will heal from the pain, and memories of your life with Josiah will bring joy. Until then, may the peace of God be with you.
May you have fun on this vacation, but be prepared for feelings of guilt because your dear Josiah isn’t enjoying this family time with you. I’m sure he’d want you to find happiness in living. Someday he’ll welcome you to his new family…the family of God.
I hope you are having a fabulous vacation! Praying for you guys. I get to see Michelle today. She’s bringing Amanda Schwab down for her grandpa’s funeral. She’ll be staying the night. Looking forward to spending some time with her.