I’ve been struggling to know what to write lately. In fact, I have about 4 unfinished posts that I haven’t felt like I should publish. Questions fill my mind: what do I want this blog to look like? What is my purpose in writing? Is it good for me? Is it profitable for others? Is this the best use of my time? I do not want to be redundant. I do not want to be depressing. I want to be real. I want to be truthful. I don’t want to make it seem like it’s “all about me” (even to myself). I don’t want to make it appear that I have it all together. I don’t want to sound like I have no hope. I don’t want to make this look easy. I don’t want this to be the only way I communicate. I want there to be purpose in my writing. I want my heart to be uplifted and hopefully yours too. I am not looking for adoration or conformation. I am not looking to be pitied or patronized. I want to heal. I want to grow. I want to learn. I want what I share here to be absolutely true in my own life and something I have no problems saying to anyone because it is truly what is coming from my heart.
When Josiah was here, I almost always would share with him first before I published anything on this blog. I had a defined purpose in writing…and we talked about that often as well. When he was so sick and I had no one I could talk to…not even him…I came here. I am finding that writing it out isn’t always the best thing for me now. I need a real ear and some real truth-filled feedback (not that I don’t get that here…but sometimes I need to hear it face-to-face). And you know what? God is being faithful to supply that need by providing wonderful, godly women in my life. I am so grateful for that.
So, please bear with me as I figure this out. I know God will provide the answers when I need them.
“And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in gory by Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:19
Beautiful Things 
Thank you SO much for posting this Jess. I have been trying to work through much of the same emotions and issues writing, and trying to heal.
I love you and I am always praying.
Joy
Dear Jessica,
As one who has experienced many loses, I know the value of writing your way through the pain of grief. You are truly helping yourself heal through this process. But, I don’t know if you know what a GIFTED writer you are. You have material for a book which would give hope to others. You are so GENUINE that others cry with you, which grievers need to do. Yet, you also show your love for your children and their lives so realistically that we laugh with you.
I’ve read many books about grieving and by grievers and I’ve not been as touched by any of them as I’ve been by your sharing from your HEART! Please don’t stop writing, and I hope someday you’ll want to publish. Other young “widows” could also heal through your writings.
I’ve printed most of your postings because I facilitate grief support groups and counsel with grievers. I’d really appreciate your permission to use excerpts from your writing as a model for other young widows.
God bless you! My prayer is that your Christian friends will continue to physically embrace you, dear Jessica.
Jessica, I used to go to Saylorville and you may or may not remember me from our teenage years there. My parents are Kent and Barb Boyd. I have been following your blog since you started it. I agree with Nancy Stoner, your blog could be turned into a book. God has gifted you with the ability to share your utmost deepest and intimate feelings. There are people who don’t know the Lord who may find the desire to seek Him out after reading some of the posts you have written. Your experiences no matter how good or bad, funny or sad, have been transformed into a wonderful testimony of God’s love for all of us. Your babies, when they are older and able to understand a bit more, will be able to look back at the blogs you have posted and thank God for giving them such a wonderful testimony in their mommy. If you feel that God wants you to stop the blog, then you should stop. But, I hope that you don’t ever think that those reading your blog feel you are being redundant, fake, or self gratifying, because that’s definitely not how we see you. We see someone who is totally real and gives God the honor and glory no matter how much you hurt, how angry you get, or how lonely you get. You are loved by many and I, for one, find strength, comfort, and joy in you. Keep it up!
Jess…I would have to say I would miss this if it wasn’t here. I do not check often, but when the Lord impresses me to pray for you I will look as it generally means you have written. It gives me the ability to pray specifically for you due to what you write. If it is pics, then I pray for your sweet blessings and enjoy immensely seeing them. I will pray for wisdom as you seek the Lord regarding your writing.
Six months today….continuing to pray…
Jessica, allow me to add my encouragement to keep on writing. I was an English major way back in the dark ages (Class of 1952). I am not a writer, but I know good writing when I see it. You are gifted in expressing your innermost feelings and communicating them to the reader. I urge you to consider one day publishing in one form or another. Speaking to groups would be another option to consider. You have a lot to share. It may not yet be the time, but that time will come.
I also have been an amateur photographer for most of my life. Your pictures, in your eyes, may be simply ways to show us what you and the kiddos are doing. But you have an eye for the visual as well.
Keep writing and posting those great pictures. You are blessing us beyond measure.