We had a picnic tonight. On our deck. Sitting at the new table and chairs I bought at a garage sale last week. I grilled hamburgers for the first time. We chatted and giggled. But…there was an empty chair. Chairs always come in a group of four…not three. And while I did find a sense of accomplishment in learning to grill…I found no happiness in it. The smell was fantastic and something I have missed this summer…but it made me miss him even more. It’s been over seven months and the ache in my heart is very much still there. Ava still misses her Daddy (she mentioned that several times just tonight). Sometimes I think I just don’t want to truly face the pain every day. So even thought it’s still there, I choose not to put it into words.
We have been crazy busy lately…but at the end of the day, I still face silence and an empty bed. I have grown used to being the one to answer my children’s cries and not having someone else to help. There are times when I feel exhausted, but I have to put that aside because I don’t always have the luxury of being tired.
With each change of season brings new pain. Memories can be very heavy. Just normal activities can bring up unexpected heartache. I’ve been going through the kids clothes the past few weeks and I did not expect seeing things they wore last year to bring up such vivid and crushing memories. The clothes they wore when they last saw their Daddy, or the outfits I picked out for them to wear to their Daddy’s funeral…it all seems so wrong and yet it’s our life…our reality.
We have started to find our “normal”. It’s very different, but it’s ours. There are days when I struggle with contentment, loneliness, patience with my children, loving and obeying my Savior…OK, so I struggle with those things EVERY day. But I don’t think I’m all that different from anyone else…I’m just also grieving the loss of my best friend on top of it all. Those of you that tell me you are still praying for us are so precious to me. I will hopefully find my blogging groove again soon. Until then know that we laugh every single day, we love each other to the moon and back, and our God is faithful, still on His throne and we’ll see Him soon.
Good-night
Beautiful Things 
Hey Jess
So good to hear your voice. I check igoogle everyday to see if you’ve posted and it’s the “pray for johnson family” title that reminds me to lift you guys up. That’s cool that you learned to grill. And the patio furniture sounds fun. I’m sure the kiddos loved the picnic. I’m loving that it has cooled off enough to eat outside and not smother. 🙂 Always thinking of you and your year of firsts and lifting you up. I miss you when you don’t blog but that’s a tad hypocritical because I haven’t been on mine since we left home in August. Good thing I don’t get paid for it! Ya’ll take care!
Love you
I’m glad you are finding your new normal – as hard as that is. I feel like, in a completely dif way, we are doing the same thing. It isn’t how you want it to be, but it is reality. Your comment about how you still struggle with the every day things, just like everyone else struck home with me. It is so true. The struggles are the same as anyone has, it just has the added weight of loss, or sickness in my case. I’m praying for you. That weight can feel really heavy.
A friend from my church asked if you were doing OK because you hadn’t blogged recently. I said this may be the most difficult time yet because the ‘new normal’ has set in and it’s still so hard. Praying!
Jessica, thank you for writing again. I have been wondering what you are thinking/feeling, and continue to pray for you.
HELLO JOHNSON FAMILY!
We are so happy to get an update. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers daily.
Your story about the picnic table/chairs reminfs me of one that my grandmother shared. At Thanksgiving there would be a place set with the plate and water glass upside down. When we prayed we would remenber those who weren’t with us and end with “until we meet again” ~
HEART HUGS!!
My heart hurts for you and the kids. I can say I relate to the meeting each cry my kids let out but mine is only temporary. My husband is in the military and away a lot. So each time he is, I thank God that my single parent life is only temporary and pray for each mother whose single parenting is permanent. I pray for you and the kids often.
Jess,
We think of you so often and I pray for you all every time. Andrew just saw the picture at the top of your blog and said “Ava!” I asked if he missed Ava and he nodded and said, “Should we go see Ava another day?” Too cute. We would love another play date at the park sometime, esp since the weather is so much cooler and not so hot! Let me know if you want to plan something sometime.
Thinking of you and praying always,
Jen, Craig & Andrew
Hey, Jessica, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate you sharing your heart. I can’t imagine the ache and pain you’re going through. Your writing reminds me to keep praying for you. I’m praying that the Lord will comfort you and give you strength. You are such an encouragement to me. Thanks for being such a godly example. Keep trusting Him!
Jessica,
It was good to hear an update! I am very proud of you for learning to grill!! That is one of Jim’s roles I have yet to try to do. I understand…….just not having any heart into it. You are so right that the change in season brings its own unique pain…..Praying for God’s great grace to just blanket you. Once again you are so real with your faith as well as the hard truth about being a young widowed mom.
Many things do come in fours, yet God reveals in His Word that great strength is available when three people come together. What God’s precious Word says about three’s: Ecclesiastes 4:12 “….a threefold cord is not quickly broken” and Matthew 18:20 “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” That empty chair is more crushing than words can say. Yet remember that there is great strength in three.
Praying for you much, girl! Sending you hugs!!!