Providence = The foreseeing care and guidance of God…

It’s been an interesting week and maybe I’ll get more into that later.  But for now I thought I would write a post that has been in my head for about six months.  I have written about this subject in a round-about way and have talked personally with several of you, but to some of you that have wondered and prayed, this is for you.  This was never meant to be a secret, but certain parts are private and will remain within a select small group.  Now that I have your curiosity, let’s talk…finances 🙂

I have had quite a few questions about this and I completely understand why.  If I was on the outside looking in on a very young widow with two small children I would be concerned about how she would support her family too.  In order to explain my situation in the degree of detail that I choose, let me tell you a story…a story of Providence.

About three years ago Josiah and I started talking about life insurance.  It was a subject totally brought up by him and something that I see very clearly now that God laid on his heart.  Josiah started doing research.  We had some life insurance through his job but if something were to happen to him, he wanted to make sure that his family was provided for.  That fall, we (and by we, I mean he) got serious about it.  I on the other hand was six months pregnant and the LAST thing I was thinking about was death…I had LIFE growing in me after all.  That’s why I’m thankful that God made my husband the practical planner that he was.

Because I was pregnant, we were not sure if my application would even be accepted, so we almost didn’t even try until after the baby was born.  But again, providentially, we took the physical needed for the application and both of us were approved and we bought that life insurance.  Within about six months of it being approved, Josiah was diagnosed with an aggressive and devastating cancer.  As the months went on and our future became more clear, I started thinking about my options.  How was I going to support my family alone?  I had no college education.  I had never worked full-time (outside the home anyway).  What would I do?  God blessed me with such peace that He would take care of me and provide for me and my children.  I did not need to worry because He would make a way.  Josiah and I had MANY things to discuss and I didn’t want him to worry about us so I didn’t bring up my thoughts for a while.  But when I did, Josiah looked at me and with such peace in his eyes he told me that if everything went as he planned, I wouldn’t have to worry.  I cannot tell you what comfort that brought him to know that even if he couldn’t be here, he could still provide for his family.  Obviously, I hadn’t paid too much attention to the amounts on our life insurance policies.  Not that it would have mattered because numbers really don’t make sense to me…they never have.  I’m really more of a words kind of girl.  Thank God I married a man who was actually good with numbers and took care of our finances.

Our plan had ALWAYS been that when/if God blessed us with children, that I would stay at home and raise them.  So, we had that in mind when planning our life insurance policies.  Because of the timing of everything surrounding when we bought the policies and Josiah’s diagnosis, Josiah’s policy was investigated thoroughly after his death and took some time to work through.  But God provided in the mean time.  (On a side note, it’s not a bad idea to have 10 years worth of records…just saying.)

Thank God that eventually, everything with Josiah’s policy payoff went through and if everything goes as planned (and I’m still trusting God even if it doesn’t), life will continue as “normal” around here.  We are not rich but we are not poor either.  I will be able to stay home and raise our kids just as we always planned.  We also made the decision shortly before Josiah died, that we believed that homeschooling was God’s plan for our family.  So, Lord willing, I will still be able to do that.

We were careful with our money and I am currently debt free and plan to stay that way.  I am learning tons about how to take care of our finances…but I have much more to learn.  God has been SO faithful in providing trustworthy advisors to help guide me along.  I definitely couldn’t do this alone.

Thank you for your concerns and prayers.  The hand of God and the love of my husband are written all over this story and that completely blesses my heart.  Nothing in my life surprises God.  He has a providential plan for each of us and it both encourages me and convicts me to listen and obey when He leads.

I buried my husband one year ago today.  I can’t explain how surreal that sounds and yet so…normal.  This week has been emotional.  I’ve cried more than I have in probably months.  I’ve felt it building  up so it’s a good thing that I let it out.

My pattern has been that when there is a hard date coming up, I usually get all my emotions out ahead of time and am fine on the actual day.  I’m a planner, it’s just who I am.  But there was something about this 1st that was different, because Thursday was harder than I expected and I’m glad I left room for that.  I woke up Thursday (February 3rd) feeling OK, and then I don’t know what set me off but I just started weeping.  Now, you have to understand that I am typically a very quiet crier so if I say I was sobbing or weeping, that is unusual.  Anyway, so I started weeping but I knew I needed a shower and I needed to hurry before my kids woke up.  So, I grabbed my things and got in the shower and just continued weeping.  Eventually, I knew I needed to pull myself together and I was so thankful that I was able to.  It wasn’t that long ago that I wouldn’t have been strong enough.

The rest of the day, I was so blessed by the love that was poured on me and was completely exhausted that night.  Intense grief takes a lot out of me.  God really spared my mind from keeping track of the time and reliving last year hour by hour, until after I got the kids to bed.  I just glanced at the clock and started to crumble knowing what I was doing and about to do one year before.  Memories of laying beside my dead husband’s body just so I could feel him beside me one more time.  He was still warm, but there was no movement of his chest breathing in and out…no steady, reassuring sound of his heartbeat.  I remember in the days to come the pain of being hugged and hearing other’s heartbeats…and my heart would break for the one I would never hear again.  I remember going home that night and walking into our house and the emptiness and stillness was almost more than I could bear.  I remember walking into “our” room and not being able to sit on “our” bed but collapsing at the foot of it and it feeling like the sobs that racked my body were going to tear me apart.  I remember somehow finding the strength to breathe and stand and prepare for the next thing…telling my sweet daughter that her Daddy would not be coming back home.  I remember the grace that carried me through the next two days of planning Josiah’s funeral.  I remember wondering if something was wrong with me when I did not cry.  I remember the verse that God gave me the night before Josiah’s funeral, Psalm 5:3 “My voice You shall hear in the morning, O Lord; In the morning I will direct it to You, And I will look up.” Oh, how that verse carried me the next day!  I remember feeling so incredibly lost standing alone at his funeral.  I remember somehow making one foot go in front of the other walking down that aisle behind his casket…I think that was the hardest thing I had to do that day.  I remember my hands shaking as I raised them while barely making out the words to the song “You give and take away.  You give and take away.  My heart will choose to say.  Lord, blessed be Your name”.  I remember deciding to go home after everything was done that day and even though I felt like the wind had been taken from me, I found strength and comfort in finally being able to hold and touch and care for my babies…oh, how I had missed them!

So many memories.

In preparing for this milestone, God impressed on me that I needed to write a list of all the things that I had accomplished and that God had worked in me over this past year.  I worked on it for several days and ended up with a list of 80 things.  I am a visual person so having that list was such a blessing and needed reminder of all that I have to be thankful for.  God has done so much in my life this year and I am amazed by that.  He is doing what He promised…He is healing me.  He’s not finished, but it has begun and that knowledge is so powerful to me.  This time last year I didn’t really see how healing could even be possible but I gripped onto His promise and chose to trust Him.  There were so many days when I felt like I was barely keeping my head above water and some days when I felt like I was going under…but God has given me a solid place to stand.   Psalm 61:2 “From the end of the earth I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”

Thank you to everyone who has helped hold me up this year.  I am completely humbled by the love I have been shown.