Month: February 2011

Held

/ heartmomma / 7 Comments

My two children are very different from each other and have very different needs…and they have since the beginning.  Ava, as a baby, liked to be held up on my shoulder so she could see what was going on.  Lincoln wanted to be cradled so he could see only me.  Ava preferred to just be layed down.  Lincoln needed movement all the time…rocked, bounced, swayed…and the rougher the better.  Ava now likes to curl up to be held, but just for short bursts.  Lincoln loves to lay his head on my shoulder and tuck his arms under his belly for sometimes long periods of time.  Ava loves to chat while we cuddle.  Lincoln prefers to just be quiet.

What’s the point in all of this?  The point is that I know how my children like to be held because I know them.  How much more deeply does my Heavenly Father know me?  How much more does He love me?  He has made each of His children unique with unique personalities and needs…and He knows each one intimately. And He knows exactly how to hold us. He has held Josiah in Heaven for an entire year (Praise His Name!)…and He holds me too.

Oh Father, hold me today…perfectly, gently, securely...as You do every day.

“And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish, neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand.  My Father who has given them to Me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of My Father’s hand.” (John 10:28-29)

*Everything Falls* (Fee)  pretty much my theme song

*Jesus Hold Me Now* (Casting Crowns)

*Arms that Hold the Universe* (Fee)

*Safe* (Phil Wickham)

I’m weak.

/ heartmomma / 11 Comments

I miss his smile.  I miss his laugh.  I miss his warmth.  I miss his touch…and enough time has gone by that I can no longer remember how it feels.  I miss hearing him say “I love you” and “you’re so beautiful”.  I miss the glance that would tell me all those things and more without a single word.  I miss slow dancing.  I miss his kiss.  I miss his hands.  I miss watching him be a Dad.  I miss making babies with him (sorry for the TMI, but I’d be lying if I didn’t include that).  I miss planning special dates.  I miss welcoming him home every night.  I miss laughing with him.  I miss his wisdom.  I miss his comfort…

It will be a year of missing all this (and so much more) on Thursday.  While I do see, and am so grateful for, the healing that has taken place this year, I still ache for him.  I still have times when it’s hard to breathe.  When I wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare…I’m waking up to my real life nightmare.  There is no escaping; grief is always there.  I’m thankful for the times when it isn’t so heavy…but right now it weighs so much.  The only way to lift the weight is to embrace it and that is so hard and painful.  I find myself wanting to ignore it lately and just pretend it’s not there.  I’m weary of it.  But this is the road God intends for me and thankfully I don’t travel it alone.  My God is well acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3).  I’ve been meditating on 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My strength is made PERFECT in weakness”.  The problem is, I don’t want to admit I’m weak.  I want to just push on and get through it.  But there is peace when I crumble and cry in my weakness and when I make room for God’s perfect grace to wash over me...”When I am weak, then I am strong” (vs. 10).

So, here I am, admitting my weakness.  I desperately miss my husband.  I usually feel the need to explain everything that’s in my heart just so people don’t misunderstand me…but today I’m keeping it simple.  Pray.  Please. Not just for me (although, I definitely need them), but also for my children.  They don’t understand what February 3rd means yet, but it most definitely affects them.  Pray for my family.  Both the Johnson’s and the Elson’s, for extended family, for friends.  Josiah was a well loved man….and he will always be.