Month: March 2011

Birthday post #2

/ heartmomma / 4 Comments

Yes, Ava’s special day has kinda turned into birthday week.  And I say, why not?  She’s only five once 🙂

OK, she looks TOO old in this one...

That's a little bettter 🙂

Her actual birthday was on Sunday but because we had just come home from vacation on the Friday before and had a full day on Saturday, her actual party is not until this coming Saturday.

But…I couldn’t let March 27th go by without doing something special.  It’s not only the day she was born, but it also marks the day I became a mom.  So, after church, I found a sitter for Link and then Ava and I had a special birthday date…just the two of us. I took her to a big girl restaurant and after our meal we shared a birthday cupcake.

Holding up the digits

After lunch, I surprised her by taking her to the toy store and letting her pick out her first bike.  She was pretty excited!  After much deliberation, we finally chose the perfect bike and then all the trimmings of course…basket, streamers, bell…it’s very Ava:)  We had such a good time together.  I loved being able to spend time with just her and drink in all her five-year old glory.  She loved telling everyone that it was her birthday 🙂  She brought treats to her Sunday school class that night and ate up all the attention she received all day.  It was a great day!

In the couple of weeks previous, her and I have had several hard conversations about her Daddy.  She mentions often that she misses him, but lately she has struggled more.  We’ve gone on a couple of trips and new places or changes seem to make her sad.  She was the flower girl in Josiah’s best friends wedding, and while she was super excited about it, she was also sad that her Daddy wouldn’t be there to watch.  She also recognized that her connection with her “Uncle Mike” was through her Dad.  She was even sad about the possibility of getting a bike because she knew her Daddy would not be there to teach her to ride it and she somehow figured out that teaching that was a Daddy thing.  She just continues to amaze me by all she understands.  She hurts very deeply for being so young and a part of me just wants to scoop her up and make it better…to shield her from all of this.  But, she hurts deeply because she loves deeply and I would never take away the love she has for or the memories she has of her Daddy.  So, I hold her close and wipe her tears as mine trickle down my face and our hearts are knitted closer together as they break, and we talk about Jesus’ love and how great heaven will be.  And I can see how God is drawing her to Himself and that brings me joy in the midst of sorrow.  Ava has told me numerous times lately that she has asked Jesus to be her Savior and I rejoice with her!  I don’t doubt her (actually I’ve seen a difference in her the last few months).  But I can’t see her heart so it hasn’t changed how I sow the gospel in her life…she still needs truth regardless.

With her birthday also comes the time for her annual cardiac check-up.  It’s scheduled for tomorrow morning.  While I have no reason to suspect anything and I’m thankful that I feel so much stronger emotionally this year compared to last year…it still makes me nervous.  I know life could change in an instant for her.  But I trust my Father with her life completely.  She’s been asking questions about her heart for a while now and while we’ve never kept anything a secret, I’ve been giving her information only as I think she can handle it.  I can’t believe I was afraid of this.  I can’t believe I fretted and worried about what I would tell her when she got older.  I LOVE sharing with her about the work God has done in her life.  I LOVE pointing out her scars (or “beauty marks” as we call them) and explaining what each one is for.  Her body is like a map of God’s love and mercy and I LOVE sharing that with her.  I LOVE telling her just how very blessed and loved she is.  I LOVE that I get to tell my daughter her story and watch her claim it as her own.  These conversations have proven to be absolutely nothing to be afraid of…God is good!

Happy Birthday Ava!

/ heartmomma / 8 Comments

“For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition which I asked of Him.  Therefore I also have lent {her} to the Lord; as long as {she} lives {she} shall be lent to the Lord.”  1 Samuel 1:27-28

My Ava is FIVE today!  Five.  FIVE!  I just can’t believe it.  We were told when she was tiny that by the time she was five that she would have “caught up”.  That we wouldn’t even be able to tell her eventful beginning.  That we wouldn’t be able to pick her out of a crowd as the “heart kid”.  And I remember, my mind couldn’t even go there…it seemed SO far away and almost unattainable.  I remember sitting in her hospital room day after exhausting day, and I didn’t plan her future, I planned her funeral.  There were so many days when I honestly didn’t think she would get this far and I learned to be content and grateful for each day we were given.  Taking one day at a time became my lifestyle.  And now here we are…five!  And I get to think about kindergarten, and ballet classes, and swimming lessons, and growing up, and…well, the options seem limitless now!  Oh, my heart is just bursting!  So many tears, so many prayers for her precious little broken heart to keep beating, and for her tiny damaged lungs to keep breathing…just simply for her to live.  And God in His abundant mercy and unwavering grace, reached down and touched my frail baby and gave her new life.  And not only does Ava live…she LIVES!  So much passion, so much energy, so much abundant life coursing through her veins every single day.  And maybe I’ve given her too much freedom at times, but it never ceases to do my heart good to see her run like the wind with such abandon.  This child, who has had her share of suffering and sadness, and yet still lives each day with wonder and excitement and pure joy.  I can’t help but smile and stand amazed at this crazy little miracle that I am beyond blessed to have call me “Mom”.  Such a precious treasure.  Such a jewel.

So, I try to remember to drink in every 1,000 watt smile.  To laugh at every infectious giggle.  To celebrate every mile stone.  To kiss every owie.  To listen to every accomplishment and every heart ache.  To memorize the sweet sleepy smile on her face when I cover her up at night and softly kiss her cheek.  And I remember to not overlook how her hands, once chubby and dimpled, are now slender and beautiful.  I stare into those blue eyes…oh, those eyes that would melt a heart of stone and that see into my soul…and I see Jesus at work in her life.  I listen to her precious prayers where she pours out her heart with such reverence and my heart leaps with joy.  I wipe the tears that fall quietly down her soft baby face, that at times looks like an old woman, and while my heart bleeds for her hurts, I stand in awe of what the Lord has done and will do in her life.  She has God-given wisdom beyond her years, such compassion for the hurting, and plenty of self-centered sin…and I plead with the Lord to draw her to Himself.  That no matter the cost, that He would use her passion and her spared life for His glory.  That she would learn to love and obey Christ with complete abandon (as she does EVERYTHING).  That she would not see her life as one of entitlement, but that she would grasp that to much that has been given, much will be required (Luke 12:48).  She has been given much.  She has been given LIFE…what is she to do but offer her all back to the One who gave it to her.  Those are my big dreams for her future…a future that I can now allow myself to dream is possible.  Oh, it is good!

I love you my sweet daughter of my heart!  I couldn’t be more proud of you.  You and me…we are gonna celebrate today!  I can’t wait 🙂

Love, Momma