I made it through the day and that night after I put the kids to bed I had a moment to really stop and think.  I was still feeling the same as I was the night before and I still felt God’s clear direction.  So, I decided that there was no point in not telling D and I sent him a text saying I was un-pausing our silence.  I told him that God was just clearly laying it on my heart that we needed to meet face to face and talk this out.  D text back and asked me if I wanted to hear something cool?  Because as soon as we had stopped texting the night before D had been praying that God would lay it on my heart for us to meet face to face and I had just used the exact words of his prayer without having a clue that he had been praying that.  Wow.  That confirmation was such a blessing from God that He knew I needed even though I hadn’t asked.

We figured out a time to meet that would work for both of us.  This was on a Thursday night and we set a time on Saturday morning to meet for coffee.  Then before we put our communication on hold again I asked D if he had talked with anyone else about this.  He kind of sheepishly replied that he had…but only with two of our pastors.  I wasn’t really surprised but it was good to know because it got me to thinking that maybe it was time for me to talk with someone.  I went to bed with that thought and decided to “sleep” on it.  I really thought I would sleep better that night…but I didn’t.  Actually, I don’t think I really slept or ate for about a week.  There was so much that God was doing in my heart…so much that He was awakening and growing that it just caused my adrenaline to go crazy.

The next morning (Friday) I text my Pastor something like:

“So, I hear you’ve been talking about me with someone…and by someone I mean Dustin.  What gives?”

Pastor quickly responded wondering if he was in trouble 🙂

We decided that it would be a good idea to talk and so that afternoon when the kids were napping we chatted on the phone for about an hour.  It was so good to hear his perspective not only as my Pastor but as a man.  D and I have a unique connection with our Pastor and his wife because both of them lost their first spouses too.  So to be able to talk with a couple that can truly relate is such a God thing.  Anyway, one of my concerns was the fact that D’s wife had not been in Heaven very long and I was worried about that.  Pastor encouraged me not to project my timing onto D.  That God had different things to teach me and in different timing than He had for D.  He also tried to explain that men just deal with things differently than women.  It’s not better or worse…just different.  He listened to each of my concerns and he helped me see a different perspective and also helped to ease my mind.  He had talked often with D and knew him well and was very honest with me.  When I asked him if he had any concerns, he told me if D’s heart said yes and my heart said yes, than to go for it…but if I wasn’t sure than I needed to tell D and I should not encourage him to pursue if that’s not what I wanted and if that’s not where God was leading.

It was a very honest and open conversation and I felt so much better afterwards.  I also decided to make time to talk with my Mom that night.  I was a little nervous at what her reaction would be…although I had a suspicion that she had already guessed.  Mom’s are good at that 🙂  And I was right.  That night I laid my heart out to my Mom and she told me that she had not known why at the time, but about two weeks before God had just pressed on her heart to be praying that He would bring a man into my life to cherish me again.  That was about the time when D and me really started texting a lot.  When I told her who the man was, she said “I was hoping it was him“.  To hear that from my Mom was such sweet confirmation to my heart!  It was a precious time of sharing and crying and laughing.  My Mom is such a gift!

That night I actually slept a little better because even though my heart was still pounding with the anticipation of my meeting with D the next morning…I also had such peace and a joy unspeakable was seeping in and filling me up.

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To be continued…

(Wow!  Thank you all for your wonderful response to my story so far!  Such a blessing!  Is it bad that I’m kinda enjoying keeping you all in suspense?)

The next day I thought a lot about the conversation D and I had started and how I should respond to it.  That night we started texting as had become our normal and D asked me if I had thought any more about the questions he had asked.  And I played it cool and said “what questions?”  Just kidding.  I told him that I had thought about it a lot and then I told him I didn’t really think it would be a good idea for us to “accidentally meet”.  He asked why I thought that and I replied with “because to me it sounds like a date”.  When I said that, I thought I was probably way off and he would probably reply with something like “no no no…not a date at all.  Just a couple of pals getting together for coffee.  Simple as that.”  I was still a little naive at this point.  What I didn’t know was that D took it as an encouraging sign that I was even thinking about a date with him.  He replied by saying it wouldn’t have to be a date but that he would really really like a date with me.

Say what?

Ummmm….

[looooong pause]

He then asked me if I was ok to which I very maturely responded that I was fine, just freaking out a little…or a lot.  Because, while I wasn’t completely surprised by his interest, I had not been allowing my mind to even go there because the ball was not in my court.  So it was a bit of a shock….or a lot.

We kept texting, with D mostly making sure I was ok and me taking a long time to respond.  Eventually D asked me another question.  He asked me if I would like him to give me space to think and pray.  He offered to completely stop communicating with me until I contacted him.  As soon as he asked me that I was relieved because that was exactly what I needed but I just didn’t even know how to ask.  So I took him up on his offer.  But before we stopped communication, we agreed that me taking a long time to decide would not be wise and I also promised him I would keep him up to date with what I was thinking and feeling.

Once we got all that figured out I asked him if this was “over and out?”  D replied with:

“Jess, Lord willing we’re not over or out…we’re just on pause”

I went to bed and my heart was pounding and my brain was spinning so fast!  I’m not sure if I really slept at all that night.  I was seeing every angle and asking every question all at once.  But my prayer became “Lord, please give me clarity!  Please just give me some clarity because I am ALL over the place right now”.  And it was like in all the swirling in my brain, one thought rose to the surface and remained steady…

you need to meet with him face to face

At the time I had no idea why that was my one clear thought but I was just thankful that God answered my prayer.  I decided to “sleep” (Ha!) on it and give it the next day to test if that really was from the Lord.  That next day my heart kept pounding and I could hardly eat a thing…but deep down I had this tremendous peace and was able to carry on as normal without breathing a word to anyone.  I wanted…no…I needed to hear from God first so I kept it to myself.

That night I would get one confirmation that was the start of a steady stream of confirmations of God’s leading.

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Yep…I’m enjoying this waaaay too much 🙂  To be continued…