These last few years, I’ve said that I just don’t have time to write any more and there is definitely some truth to that. I am pulled in many different directions and writing this little blog has dropped significantly on my priority list. But there have been a few times I have tried to write and the words just haven’t spilled out like they used to. Maybe it’s because I only started writing when there were dramatic events happening in my life and now I’m having a hard time finding words for…normal. Ugh. I dislike that word…normal. Because on the other hand the last few years have felt anything but normal…but I haven’t been able to find the words to describe it. Any words I’ve tried to come up with have sounded hollow and dry. I have felt lost at times. And honestly, I knew in my heart that writing on here had become too much about getting praise from people and I didn’t like that in me. I needed to back off.

But I have missed it.

I still don’t know exactly what I’m going to write about or if I’ll even be remotely consistent…but I feel this strong pull to write again. And I’m asking God to give me words.

I love my story and I love my family, but I think I’m again coming to grips with the fact that just because something is good and a blessing from God…does not mean easy. And…wait for it…that’s ok. Marriage is a profound blessing and I’m still just amazed that God would bring that to me twice! But it’s not easy. I love being a Mom. It was my dream since as far back as I can remember. I wanted five or six kids. I wanted to stay home with them. I wanted to homeschool them. And I get to do all of that! When Josiah died and it was just me and Ava and Lincoln, God had to do a work in my heart to make me content with two babies. Then God prepared my heart for more, even though I didn’t know how they would come. When God brought Karis and Gabi, I was so amazed by God’s plan! Then God gave us the (overwhelming) surprise of Weston who is such a gift. But it has not been all sunshine and roses…it has been hard.

But I think saying some of this feels like complaining. And sometimes it is. But if I don’t admit the hard, than am I missing more blessing? Let me put it another way, does God just drop gifts on us and then just stand back and watch what we will do with them? Or does He desire to walk us through each one and help us see the joy…even in the hard? Is He ever frustrated that along with our thankfulness, we mix in need? Or does He desire that from us?

Yes, these are rhetorical questions. But the lies seep into my heart and mind more than they should. God is not frustrated with me when something is hard…He knows it is. He places it alongside His gifts to pull me closer, not to see if I can handle it on my own.

So, God I need You. Every hour I need You.

I believe one of Your gifts to me is that I never forget that. In the more dramatic times in my life, and in the every day. Thank you.