Daniel 2:22 – “he reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what is in the darkness and the light dwells with him.”

I like to understand things. Put things in the right place. To have understanding and clarity. I feel most comfortable when I can see things in black and white. But the older I get, the more I realize how much gray there really is….and to get gray, the black and white have to mix.

When it comes to sorting my emotions, I’m the most at a loss when they feel all mixed up. Joy and sorrow, peace and anxiety, excitement and melancholy. How can I feel both at once? It’s confusing and exhausting.

This time of year triggers a lot of these seemingly conflicting emotions in me. And I have to believe I’m not alone in this. I find so much joy in the season. I love reading and reflecting on the true Christmas story. I LOVE the hunt for the perfect gift. I love planning surprises and I love seeing the excitement on my kids’ faces! I have a whole bunch of wonderful Christmas memories to reflect on too.

But…

I also feel heaviness. With my handful of sad and difficult memories popping to the surface at random, and leaving me confused and worn out. Trying to sort it all out during such a full and fast paced season can leave it all feeling…unresolved.

How can it all make sense together? How do I hold the light and the dark?

And that is where I was going wrong. You see, I was trying to put everything in neat little boxes tied up with pretty bows. I was also trying to just ignore the thoughts and feelings I didn’t like, hoping they would just go away. Neither one works.

Because, forcing it all to make sense and pushing away the darkness that I can’t understand is never going to work. I am not equipped to handle it on my own.

Why?

Because Jesus is the light. The true Light. The lasting Light. And He alone fully understands everything in the dark.

This coming to the end of my understanding reveals the depth of my need for the Light. I can not even understand my own heart and mind and I can’t even sort out my own emotions…but God in His mercy offers me rest and comfort and light. How good and kind He is to allow difficult things in my life to gently lead me to Him over and over. Because I need Him. And I can trust Him with my memories. I can trust Him with my emotions. I can trust Him with my heart. And in trusting Him who knows all things, even with the darkness that I can’t understand, He gives me Light. Light in the form of a tiny baby, born in filth and obscurity.

Born to bring freedom.

Born so that I may be born again.

Born to fill us with His glorious light.

2 Corinthians 4:6 “For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”