After coming home from a wonderful trip to the beach (https://beautifulthings.blog/2019/08/22/lessons-from-a-birthday-run/) and having some precious moments with God in my back pocket…I jumped right back into life. The next two weeks were crazy. I had experienced this beautiful mountain top lesson from God…but the thing about those, is that as wonderful as they are, you can’t keep living off of them. But I tried. For those two weeks I was inconsistent in the Word and time in prayer and grew complacent in my walk with God. Oh, how quickly I forget my need for Jesus in the nitty gritty every day! But God, in His kindness, used a different experience to get my attention.

To set up this next story, I need to go back a bit. My daughter Ava (13) was born with a complex and life threatening heart defect (https://beautifulthings.blog/avas-story). She spent months in the hospital, had numerous surgeries and procedures and during her first couple of years we spent a lot of time seeing doctors, specialists, and therapists. Through all of that, I met some amazing other “heart moms”, who have been amazingly supportive and encouraging. Through the years, I have been able to have different levels of involvement with the support group they started. They have an event every summer that I try to make it to with Ava…and even though it brings up a rush of memories for both of us, it’s something we have enjoyed doing together.

Fast forward back to this summer. This event for families affected by heart defects was coming up and I realized that it would work in our schedule for Ava and I to go. But I could also feel some anxiety start to well up in me. Another part of my story that I’ve just started to really realize within the last few years, is that I struggle with anxiety…and I’m also learning that there are certain things that can really trigger it. And even all these years later…memories of Ava’s traumatic beginning can be a trigger (even typing that makes me tear up and my hands to tremor). But, I have pushed it aside numerous times before, so I thought I could just do it again.

Then…about an hour before needing to leave for the event, I found myself on the floor of my closet in a full panic attack. Feeling weak and foolish and helpless.

Needless to say, we didn’t make it to the event. My husband found me and helped me to calm down. I don’t often have those kinds of panic attacks, but when I do, they leave me feeling utterly exhausted…sometimes for days.

And if that was the end of my story…that would be a terrible ending! Here comes the good part!

I’m not writing this because I’m an expert on anxiety and I’m not seeking attention for myself or my struggles.

I’m writing this to showcase the kindness of God (remember? I mentioned that in the beginning).

But how does a panic attack showcase God’s kindness?

This is how. It literally brought me to my knees. To the very end of myself and what I imagined I was in control of. In my God’s loving kindness, He brought me back to what was true…I desperately need Him, in every moment of every day. Also, He reminded me that He never left me. He was with me while I was running around getting things done and being busy. And He was with me as I sobbed and gasped for breath on my closet floor.

Now, I’m not saying that if I had been running after God during those two weeks that I wouldn’t have battled anxiety. But what I am saying, is that if I had been immersing myself in His Word and communion with Him, I would have had weapons ready for the battle. But even in my foolishness, God remained faithful and kind.

I don’t have any pretty pictures to go with this post…so I’ll end with something better:

The Lord is faithful in all His words and kind in all His works.                                               The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down.                 Psalm 145:13b-14