God is working me over big time in the area of contentment.  Each time I think I’ve found it (contentment that is), God shows me a new area that I need to refine:

• I want to change things.  I want things to stay the same.  I want to get all my ducks in a row…but everything seems topsy-turvy and out of control.  I become frustrated that I just can’t seem to make it all work…and God speaks to my heart and tells me that this is how He wants things to be.  He tells me to rest in Him…to be content in the chaos…He will make a way for me.  He reminds me that I am NOT in control.  Things are different and I need to accept that and learn what this…life is supposed to look like now.
• I am lonely.  I miss being married.  I miss having someone know me so intimately…and love me still.  And God tells me I need to be content in my loneliness.  That He has much to teach me in this season of my life.  That He knows me far more intimately than I know myself…and He loves me still.
• I am overwhelmed with the weight of raising my kids.  I miss my back-up.  I miss discussing different issues that I am facing as a parent…with the other parent.  Sometimes I panic with raising my kids knowing that they are only 4 and 1.  What am I going to do when they get older and things get more complicated?  And God says that all I need to know He has in His Word.  That hasn’t changed.  He will give me the knowledge that I need when I need it…not before.  He promises to be the Father to the fatherless…what more could they ask for in a Father?  What more could I ask for in a Helper?
• One of the things in this journey that has probably surprised me the most is how much I miss Josiah’s confirmation.  Shortly after he died I found myself checking my e-mail and my blog comments with so much more need than I had ever had before.  I was so frustrated and confused by that.  Until I realized that I had never had to seek confirmation because I got all that I needed from my husband and I didn’t even realize it.  I MISS that.  But God reminds me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  He reminds me that I am precious in His sight.  He reminds me that He “gets” me far more deeply than anyone (even my spouse) ever could.  He reminds me that people will always fail me but that He NEVER will.

I feel like such a baby on this road…and such an old woman at the same time.  God is ever patiently showing me how to live this new life.  He knows it’s painful…but He knows it will be worth it.  He knows He can shape me into something new…even when I don’t always believe it (or want it) myself.

“…for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound.  Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:11-13

So…I’ve been quiet.  On my blog at least.  And now I’m so far behind on things I don’t even know where to start.  I guess I’ll start with this…

I miss him.

I miss him…a lot.

Maybe that sounds too simple…but it’s the truth.  I feel like I am missing him more and more as time goes on but maybe I’ve just been missing him longer so if you add it up, it is more.   I’m sitting here listening to a spring storm and missing him.  He loved a good thunder-storm and I don’t…so we would meet in the middle and just cuddle through them…I miss that.  The last couple weeks have been busy.  Two weeks ago I was working on a different project which tied up my computer MUCH longer then planned.  Last week was quite busy so there wasn’t much left over time for blog posting.  So, those are some excuses for my absence…but the real truth is that I’ve been having some difficult days…especially last week.  I can’t point to just one thing that sent me spinning, I’m sure it’s just a combination of a whole bunch of things.  But regardless of the reason, I was hit by a tidal wave of grief last week.  When it hits this hard I feel like I am just wearing a shroud of grief and it’s so difficult to see beyond it.  Life keeps going on and so I have to go with it.  I have responsibilities that no matter what the state of my heart is in, I’ve got to keep pressing on.  But I have felt this week like I have been barely keeping my head above water.  I feel exhausted…not sure why, I just do.  Everything just feels like so much more of an effort when grief is weighing on me so much.  Putting this stuff into words is good for me…I know that…but sometimes I just don’t have it in me.  I’m “kinda” stubborn and apparently I don’t learn very quickly because when I don’t “feel” like talking or writing I just don’t, even though I know that I would heal faster and better if I would just face it head on and deal with everything.  Maybe someday I will learn.

Anyway, when people ask me how I’m doing, I try not to lie.  I usually won’t say I’m doing “good” if I’m really not.  In fact, I think I’ve only answered “good” a handful of times this past year.  But, I will admit, sometimes it just slips out because sometimes (ok, most of the time) I don’t really want to answer with “well, I am so overwhelmed I can’t see straight, single parent-hood is kicking my behind, and I cried myself to sleep last night…how are you?”.  Usually I just say “I’m OK” which is the simple truth.

Loneliness is always present…but sometimes it feels so crushing…especially at night.  My kids are growing and changing and learning every day and it grieves me to think about how much Josiah would love watching it with me.  I can just hear him repeating some dare-devil stunt of Lincoln’s or some funny story of Ava’s with that proud little look on his face…I miss that.

This is a heavy post.  Of course, like always, this isn’t everything.  There is always more going on and I’ll hopefully get caught up on all the rest in another post.  God is faithful…even when I am not (2 Timothy 2:13).  He is patiently guiding me even when I feel like I take a step forward and then two steps back and have to re-learn everything.  There are days when I just have to keep repeating to myself “joy comes in the morning”…morning can’t be far away.