heartmomma

It seems when I go too long without posting an update people start to wonder and get worried…that’s sweet! All is well around here. Just busy. Life is incredibly bitter/sweet. There are a million things I could write about every day but I just choose not to. I don’t usually force myself to write…I just let it come out when it’s the right time.

Sooooo…I guess I’ll just play a little catch up tonight.

I’ve meant to post something about Ava’s birthday but I just haven’t gotten around to it. We had such a wonderful celebration of her little life. It was a Winnie the Pooh themed party (she is all about Pooh and friends right now) at a local play place and everyone had so much fun!

These are some of her 2nd cousins.

It was really a grace filled day and I genuinely enjoyed celebrating with my girl…and she had fun too which was so good to watch. Her party was about her and not about being sad (a big thank you to everyone who made that possible). There was a Josiah shaped hole in the day, but he also was very much part of it. Shortly before Josiah died, he wrote Ava a note in a birthday card. So on her birthday night as I was putting her to bed, I let her open the card and I read it to her. It was very precious and something I will keep for her to read again and again in the years to come. He was so proud of her….as am I!

Lincoln LOVES to be outside!He gets very upset when he is denied freedom. He loves slides, swings, sand, dirt, and scaring his poor mother! He thinks he can do everything his big sister does…and more. I love watching them play together and hearing them giggle! They are precious. Lincoln is my little love bug and is always running over to give me a hug. He has always been a momma’s boy…and I am not discouraging that 🙂 He has been teething lately (his eye-teeth, which are his last teeth for a while, hallelujah!), and has been pretty grouchy and not sleeping well. But that also means extra cuddles for me. I am soaking them up! He “talks” all the time and always has an explanation for everything. The only words we can actually understand are please (sounds like cheese), what’s this?, Mom, Dada, and I think he says truck and baby. He signs bye-bye and eat (which also can mean please, or more, according to Lincoln). He loves dogs. He cuddles with baby dolls and says “awww”. Everything is a gun…and I mean everything.

I do see why he thinks this is a gun...but he's not picky.

He loves anything with wheels. He is scared by random noises and battery operated cars. And he is never happier than when he is eating! Yep, I think that pretty much sums up my son 🙂

Well, this ended up being an update on my kids. I’m sure there are other things on my mind and heart but this will have to do for tonight! TTFN!

I usually have a pretty good idea of what I’m going to do with my evenings. But tonight I feel restless…unsettled…weary. It’s a strange combination and I’m not sure what to do with it.

Sometimes I can’t believe that this is my life. How did this happen? Was it really only a year ago that cancer entered our lives? How could my life change so much in such a short period of time? Was that really me that watched my husband die? How can I already be a widow at the age of 25? Sometimes I look at our wedding photo hanging on my bedroom wall and I miss that girl looking back at me. I miss that innocent love shining in our eyes. I miss the dreams we had together. I miss the laughter we shared. I miss quiet evenings after the kids were in bed…it was his favorite time of the day…he told me that often. I miss being a part of him…I miss the part of me that disappeared when he died.

I am adjusting and I am learning so much…but sometimes this all feels like a dream and there is a tiny little part of my brain that still thinks he’s coming back. It’s tough having that conflict because the rest of me knows he’s never coming back….but there is that little bit of me that just doesn’t want to believe that.

There are some things from this past year that I know I just need to write down so I can stop rehashing them in my brain…but I just can’t quite make myself do it…it hurts too much.

I have started going through “our” bedroom, packing up Josiah’s things and making it into “my” bedroom. I knew from almost the moment after Josiah died that I would need to do this…but I haven’t been able to until this week. It’s been a good thing. I found his journal and read the entire thing. Such precious words.

Well, I guess I just needed to get some things “out” tonight…and have a good cry while I was doing it. I feel better. Writing things down is just such a release for me…it’s how God made me.

Thanks for listening.