Author: heartmomma

Beach day!

/ heartmomma / 9 Comments

I woke up this morning and decided to take the kids on an impromptu picnic at the “beach” (I use the term “beach” very loosely).  I love a good picnic!  I will admit, I was struggling to surrender my memories to the Lord as we were driving there.  We spent several afternoons at this particular park last summer/fall…and I was missing our fourth person very much.  My heart was aching, but I so wanted to enjoy the day with my little ones.  God’s grace was, yet again, sufficient and we had a great time together. I combined two of my kids very favorite things:  the outdoors with food! Although, if it had been warmer I could have added playing in the water and had the perfect trifecta 🙂  We had the place completely to ourselves so the kids had free reign.  Lincoln is at such a fun age right now and I just love seeing the world brand new through his eyes. We ate healthy and nutritious food that I prepared myself McDonalds…although in my defense, I did bring (mostly) good food for Link and I had planned on going to the grocery store today, but since we threw caution to the wind and headed to the “beach” our choices of food at home were pretty slim.  Please ignore my kids grubby hands and snotty faces…I most certainly did not allow them to eat bites of food in-between playing in the sand/goose poop.  I am much more germ conscious than that 🙂  Ha!  We stayed until a certain little girl had to use the facilities.

OK, could she be any cuter?

Yay.  I opted against taking both curious children into the public restroom (I do have some limits people!) and just used our emergency portable potty I keep in the car (no picture.  Ava, you will thank me some day).  Then I just decided to leave after that.  I had a very quiet and happy car on the ride home and they are both sound asleep in their beds…sand and dirt and snot and all 🙂

Have I mentioned I love being a mom?

This pic is just so there is proof that I was actually there!

(this pic totally reminds me of when I brought her to this park last year)

…

/ heartmomma / 8 Comments

The ache in my heart is not constant as it was at first…but when it hits, it hits hard.  It is deep and it is painful.  I am already tired of wishing I could ask Josiah about things that come up…oh how I long to ask him.  There are so many things that we did discuss, but there are so many other things that both of us did without a thought and now I am left wondering what to do about them.  Josiah would know.  I find myself having to dissect my life into different categories and then decide who the best person is to discuss them with.  I miss just having one person to go to for all things.  The day after Josiah’s funeral Ava found Josiah’s cell phone and said “Oops, Daddy forgot his phone!”.  I of course explained to her why Daddy “forgot” his phone, but in my head I was thinking how nice it would be to have that line of communication with him.  Just to hear his voice.  Just to have his confirmation that I am doing OK.  Just to ask his advice.  Just to hear him say “I love you”.  I know this line of thinking isn’t helpful…but sometimes I can’t help it.  I am so very human and I so desire that human connection with my Beloved.  Oh, how I miss him.

But I am not naive enough to think that if he was here that all my problems would be solved and my life would be perfect.  Far from it.  Marriage, while it can be beautiful, is not perfect and is not easy.  I am so looking forward to the day when Josiah and my relationship will be perfect for the first time.  We will have no selfish ambition.  No pride.  No anger.  No miscommunication.  No sin.  And I know, at that moment, this time apart will seem like a blink of an eye and I will gain that perfect heavenly perspective that I lack right now and my heart will be completely healed.

Until then, I cling to God’s promises and I strive to trust in my Savior completely so He will make my path straight and very obvious to me (Psalm 5:8).  He is near to me (Psalm 34:18a).