I could use your prayers this week.  Every week has it’s challenges…but I’ve been dreading this week a little for a number of reasons.  Ava’s birthday is on Saturday…and we are going to celebrate big time and have a ton of fun (more on that later).  But it doesn’t seem right somehow that she should be turning four without her Daddy there.  Josiah and I had a conversation sometime in December about what each of us were thinking about Josiah’s future…how much time we thought he had.  His long term goal was to make it to his baby girl’s birthday…but we both knew he probably would not.  He loved her SO much and was SO incredibly proud of her.  He made such a big deal of everything that little girl accomplished…because it was such a big deal.  I have this memory of when Ava was three weeks old and Josiah was holding her.  Ava lifted up her little head all by herself…and I will never forget the look of absolute pride and joy Josiah had on his face.  He insisted that I take a picture.

Everything she did was an answer to prayer. When she was so sick in the hospital, Josiah was my rock.  He would go into Ava’s room for long periods of time just to be near his baby and watch out for her.  It was SO hard on him to not be able to protect her….SO hard.  But he was steady.  He never wavered.  For Ava’s first night (in the NICU), Josiah spent the entire night with her and would come back to my room to check on me and give me updates.  When we were first given the news of her heart defect…Josiah wept…I have never seen him so broken.  But he took care of all of us.  When we brought Ava home, Josiah surprised me by staying up most of the night before to paint Ava’s room…and then he slept on the floor by her crib just to make sure she was ok.  I miss having him here to remember with.

Ava also has her cardiology check-up on Friday.  I can think of maybe two cardio appointments that Josiah did NOT make it to.  He usually found a way to be there.  This time he won’t.  I have no reason to think that anything has changed with Ava’s heart…but would you pray for mine.  I can’t even describe how much I leaned on Josiah for Ava’s needs in particular.  We prayed together, made decisions together, worried together, asked questions together.  God is in control…I believe that with everything in me…but I am just torn up about this.  I could use the prayers of the saints to lift me up this week and I’m so thankful that I can ask.