It’s been one month since I heard my dear husband’s voice.  The last coherent words I remember him saying to me were “I’m so proud of you” as he lovingly (although a bit clumsily) touched my face.  If I close my eyes, I can still feel his gentle, strong hand on my face…oh how I miss it!  Such a precious memory to me.  That memory came flooding back to me today.  I had necklaces made from Josiah’s fingerprint and the hospice house called me today to tell me that they were in.  So, me and the kids went to go pick them up.  Ava was full of questions…she knows what the hospice house is, and in some sense, she knows what it is for…I had to explain to her exactly what we were doing and that no, Daddy wasn’t there…because he isn’t sick any more…he’s in heaven, praise God!  My kids know exactly where the toys are in that place and they feel very comfortable there…the things they think are normal hurts my heart.  The staff was so gracious and kind…just like I knew they would be…and I got the necklaces and left.  I was fine until we got in the car and I opened the box and touched his fingerprint…made from the hand that I held as he took his last breath…made from the finger that he proudly wore his wedding ring on…and I just lost it…and cried all the way home.

(I couldn’t get a great picture where you could actually see his fingerprint. Trust me, it’s beautiful…and it rests right by my heart)

In my devotions this morning God kept showing me nuggets to get through the day…and then I came to my reading in Philippians which happened to be in chapter 2…verse 1-4 happens to be the passage that we chose for our wedding…you better believe the tears flowed.  At first, I was a little frustrated that even reading my Bible could bring up such memories…and then I was unbelievably joyful and thankful that I had the kind of husband that reading God’s Word could remind me of him.  I was am so blessed!

So, yes…I have cried today and there has been painful things to walk through today…but I have been able to stop crying and I am claiming that as a victory.  Not that I won’t have more days like yesterday, but being able to keep going on a day like today and being able to “do the next thing”, is a clear sign of God’s grace in my life…because when I am weak (and I am SO weak), then He is strong (and He is SO strong) (2 Corinthians 12:9).

I’m going to end this post with the lyrics of the song that I drove home to today.  Amidst my tears and pain, I have the most amazing HOPE…someday I will SEE…I will no longer have to walk by faith…I will walk by sight (2 Corinthians 5:6-8).

See – Steven Curtis Chapman

Right now all I can taste are bitter tears
And right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow
But from the other side of all this pain
Is that you I hear, laughing loud and calling out to me?

Saying “See, it’s everything you said that it would be,
And even better than you would believe.
And I’m counting down the days until you’re here with me,
And finally, you’ll see.”

But right now, all I can say is “Lord, how long
Before you come and take away this aching?”
This night of weeping seems to have no end.
But when the morning light breaks through,
We’ll open up our eyes and we will see

It’s everything that He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And he’s counting down the days ’til He says “Come with me.”
And finally he’ll wipe every tear from our eyes
And make everything new, just like he promised
Wait and see, just wait and see, wait and see

And I’m counting down the days until I see
It’s everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And I’m counting down the days ’til He says, “Come with me.”
And finally, we’ll see. We will see.

Oh taste and see that the Lord is good, the Lord is good
The Lord is good. Oh taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good.