I’m having a bit of a “heavy day” today.  I won’t go into a lot of detail of all the reasons “why”…there are several.  It’s ok though, it’s saves me the trouble of worrying that I’m doing “too good” for a woman who just buried her husband 2 months ago.

I think it started when I took Ava to Target after her dentist check-up (which went great BTW).  We were wandering around because, since we didn’t have Lincoln with us, we could meander to our heart’s content…and both of us love to meander at Target 🙂  Anyway, we were looking at bicycle helmets and Ava pipes up with “I think my Dad will teach me how to ride a bike”.  Thud went my heart and my breathing immediately became tight.  I assured Ava that someone would definitely teach her how to ride her bike…but it wouldn’t be her Daddy.  There was more to that conversation..but that is not that unusual for us anymore.  We have regular conversations in whatever isle we are in about “why did my Daddy have to go to heaven?” or “I used to share that candy bar with Daddy didn’t I?”…yep, not your typical conversation while comparing yogurt but it’s our life.  I always answer her questions no matter where we are or who we are with because I told her that she could talk about Daddy and ask me anything at anytime and I need to keep that promise.  Today’s question was just more difficult for me to swallow…maybe because it’s something I had thought of when the worst thing we thought was going to happen was Josiah losing his leg.  Now, the thought of all those special “Daddy things” that they won’t be doing together just hurts.  And to have to explain that to my little 4-year old…well…it’s just a heavy thing to do.  So, we “perused” a little longer than I had planned until I could think again and breathe somewhat normally.  We made the rest of our time fun and ended with a trip through the drive through and a “picnic” in the back seat of our van (it was pouring rain at the time) while listening to a story CD.  I am thankful that I can now have those tight breathing/little panic attacks and get through them and move on much faster these days.  The heaviness remains, but I am more able to keep functioning through the pain.  Tears are becoming more healing and not just exhausting.  And my God remains faithful even on these heavy days.