Ava

One month

/ heartmomma / 23 Comments

I’m not sure where to begin.  It’s been one month…one whole month.  I’m not sure how that’s possible since in so many ways it seems like just yesterday.  I remember coming home the night Josiah died and going into our room…my room (I still have trouble calling it that)…and just kneeling on the floor, unable to sit on our bed, and weeping.  Oh, the pain was so deep.  I remember wondering at the time how I could keep breathing when I needed to remind myself to take every. single. breath and it hurt so much.  How could my heart keep beating when it felt like it was shattered?  How could my body keep living when half of it was missing?  So many times I have pressed my hand against my chest to try to stop the real physical pain that is there.  So many times “doing the next thing” is simply taking a breath and I have to repeat “just breath. just breath. just breath…”.

It’s been one month.  One month since I was both wife and nurse…caring for him…loving him…night and day.  Helping him with even the most ordinary tasks…but trying so desperately to do it in such a way that he still felt like the man that I saw him as.  Feeling so lonely for him even though he was right next to me.  Making decisions for his care that no one should have to make.  His last day, I barely left his side.  I was so focused on my last promise to him…that I would do everything in my power so that he would feel nothing.  There was nothing and nobody else on my mind.  Every inch of me was tuned into his every breath.

It’s been one month.  Lincoln turned 15 months old today.  It absolutely breaks my heart to know that he will never know his Daddy.  He doesn’t even know what he’s missing.  He’s learning so much right now and it tears me up inside that I can’t share it with Josiah and see that proud grin on his face.

It’s been one month.  Ava always refers to Josiah as “my Dad”.  She misses him a lot.  She doesn’t cry every night like she did that first week…but the other night she just sobbed and said “I just miss my Dad”.  I hurt so much for her…she’s so tender.  She’s having to learn such hard lessons so early.  But I am trusting that God will use it mightily in her life.

It’s been one month.  God shows Himself to me every.single.day and I am grateful because I am learning that what He showed me yesterday to get through the day usually doesn’t work for today.  I have never had to declare to my heart that God is faithful like I have had to do every day this past month.  It doesn’t just come naturally anymore.  It’s a definite, clear, and often forceful choice that I make (listen to Steven Curtis Chapman’s song “Faithful”.  He puts it better and it’s probably my favorite song on the album).  But I have also never been quite so clear in my purpose to glorify God.  Because without that purpose…I would have no reason to live.  My kids cannot be the only reason why I keep breathing…that’s not fair to them and it’s not healthy for me.  Of course, they are the two most important people in my life…but they can never be my sole purpose for living.  They will leave me someday too…only my Heavenly Father will ALWAYS be with me.  I am gaining a new and deeper understanding of who my God is and I know He will fill every empty place in my heart (and there are MANY of them).  He PROMISES to heal my broken heart (Psalm 147:3)…and I really have no idea how on earth He’s going to do it…but I trust that He will.  Will it leave a scar?  Of course it will.  But that will just be proof of all that He has done.

I love this song…and I know, I know, more song lyrics…but God created music and He created a capacity in us to be touched by music, so I’m going with it.

What Faith can Do – Kutless

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

I have seen all of those take place in my life…except that last one…I’m walking in faith for that.

It’s been a month Baby.  What wonders you have seen…I can’t wait to have you as my tour guide.

I’ll see you soon.

Wednesday ramblings

/ heartmomma / 18 Comments
  • I know it’s been a few days…I’m trying to find some kind of balance in my life…sometimes I wish there was more than one of me, are ya picking up what I’m putting down?  Sooooo many hats to wear…I want to at least wear the most important ones well.
  • I am so used to making decisions as a part of three…me, Josiah and God…now it’s just me and God and that’s not a bad thing…it’s a pretty incredible thing…but it’s taking some getting used to.  At times I am tempted to panic…if only Josiah was here he would know what to do…but God is right there beside me, ready to lead me.
  • Three weeks today.  Josiah has been in glory for three weeks.  God has brought us through three weeks.  I don’t really find Wednesdays to be any harder than other days…there is just an extra ache in my heart.  But I don’t need a certain day to remind me of anything…those memories are constantly with me.
  • I looked at Josiah’s death certificate for the first time today.  It looks so similar to our marriage certificate…but it means something so different.  Reading that hurt.
  • There are piles of paper around here that I am constantly trying to stay on top of.  In going through one of those piles the other day I found copies of the “Do not Resuscitate” form that Josiah had filled out.  Brought back memories of Christmas Eve when he signed that.  He looked at me before he signed and said “are we sure this is what we should do?” and I looked right back at him and said “yes”…even though everything in me wanted to scream NO!  I can’t imagine what it was like for him to sign that.  I threw those pages away…he doesn’t need them any more, Praise be to God!
  • I cleaned the bathroom this week.  Yes, it had been too long and yes, it was gross.  I had to take down Josiah’s towel.  I had to laugh a little because it was hung up, but not neatly like I always wanted him to.  Then I cried and just held that towel.  Somehow it made me feel closer to him…and that was both good and it hurt so much.  I knew I needed to take it down but it was just another painful good-bye.  I sat in the bathroom, holding that towel, and crying out to God…I had to say out loud “Lord, I would not have him back…but I just want to be there with him”.  No, if given the choice, I would not bring him back…sometimes I have to say that…to push aside my selfish desires.  I love him to much to bring him back to this world.  I actually had a debate in my head of whether or not I should hang up just one clean towel or two.  These are the kinds of things I have to decide…they may not seem like big decisions…but they still take thought.  It’s not like I was given a manual on widowhood (I still don’t like that word)…young widowhood isn’t exactly the hip thing to write about.  So, I’m paving my own way.  In the end, I hung up two towels…it just looked better that way (I know you were wondering).
  • Sometimes Josiah seems so very far away and thinking about him being in heaven is not helpful or comforting.  But sometimes…it’s such an incredible thought I can’t even put it into words.  A little knowing smile will form on my face and a shine in my eyes…I know I have that look because sometimes I see it on Ava’s face too.  Last Sunday night, I took the kids to church (it had been so long since we had been able to go to the night service that when I explained to Ava that we were going to church, she said “again?”), we sang a song that is normally not a favorite of mine…for no particular reason.  But in the chorus it goes through a list of the names of God and as I was singing it, I just can’t explain it, but I pictured Josiah praising God too…only he was doing it face to face…and I felt our hearts connected like they used to be when we would pray together…only better!  It felt like God was uniting us again…just like he did here on earth.  That’s the best I can explain it.  Heaven is more real to me than it has ever been…it’s gonna be incredible!
  • Ava and I have daily talks about heaven and Daddy.  Both of these topics are very natural subjects in our house and I’m so thankful for that.  Just today Ava said something about Jesus taking Daddy to heaven and how Jesus would take us to heaven someday too.  I have been trying to give her only as much information as I think she can handle, but I realized today that I’ve never told her that there are lots of other people in heaven too.  I had also never explained to her about baby Grace and so I started with telling Ava about her and I told Ava that Daddy had her baby sister to love on.  Ava’s still processing that one, but she smiled.  Then I started telling her about people from the Bible being in heaven and Daddy getting to meet them.  I started listing off different names from the Bible and I ended with “and Peter is in heaven too!” and Ava replied “Peter Pan?”.  Wellllll…I quickly explained that one and then moved on to a new subject.  I love her randomness!

I guess I will end there.  Thanks for putting up with my random thoughts today…hmmmm, I wonder where Ava gets that from.