Thanksgiving

Confession…my favorite part of Thanksgiving day is dark early in the morning, before the sun and before the kids are up. It’s my time to wrestle the turkey and do all the other things that are left to get ready for the day of feasting and family.

But, it’s also my time to remember. I reminisce about Thanksgivings past. I remember all the years I spent at my grandmas house and how hard she worked to make it so delicious…and I feel closer to her as I work hard to show my family I love them through the special meal. Now my grandparents live in California so I don’t get to celebrate with them, but all the scents and sounds take me back as I strive to live up to my grandma’s renowned cooking skills and her gift for loving others through food.IMG_3890

I take embroidered towels out of the drawer and remember my Great Aunt Kate (because she did the embroidery). I remember her quick, sharp wit. I remember her passionate servants heart. I remember how she always referred to me as “MY Jessie” (one of a handful of people to call me Jessie). I remember her tight hugs, which in later years would usually end with her shaking with sobs as we shared the mutual sorrow of widowhood. I remember how she threatened bodily harm to both of my husbands if they ever hurt “her” Jessie.

And I remember my Great Aunt Ruth, because rarely would I spend time with my grandma without her two sisters (Kate and Ruth). So many Thanksgivings and other get togethers with those three loving and teasing each other. So many games of dominos and UNO. Aunt Kate accusing everyone else of cheating (when we all knew it was her who was cheating) and my Aunt Ruth quietly playing and often winning. Aunt Ruth was the solid, quiet rock of that trio. I admired her grace and poise so much.

Both my Aunt Kate and Aunt Ruth are in heaven now. One suddenly and the other after an excruciating illness. But I miss them both so dearly…especially this time of year. I miss them being in my corner…always, without question. I miss their prayers for me. I miss simply being with them and listening to their stories. But, until I see them again, I remember and am thankful for them being a part of my life.

God is so good to bring people in and out of our lives. I’m thankful for the void that they leave for its sometimes in the missing that we see God’s care for us in orchestrating each relationship. And in that intimate care of providing each relationship, He also shows that He knows and cares deeply for our losses too. And I’m so thankful that I have a God who cares about all my joys and sorrows… big and small.

“…Thy will is in all thy provisions

to enable me to grow in grace,

and to be meet for thy eternal presence.

My heaven-born faith gives promise of eternal sight,

my new birth a pledge of never-ending life.

I draw near to thee, knowing thou wilt draw near to me.

I ask of thee, believing thou hast already given.

I entrust myself to thee, for thou hast redeemed me.

I bless and adore thee, the eternal God,

for the comfort of these thoughts,

the joy of these hopes.” ~The Valley of Vision

1 Peter 5:7 – “Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.”

Matthew 6:30 – “And if God cares so wonderfully for  wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?”

Light

Daniel 2:22 – “he reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what is in the darkness and the light dwells with him.”

I like to understand things. Put things in the right place. To have understanding and clarity. I feel most comfortable when I can see things in black and white. But the older I get, the more I realize how much gray there really is….and to get gray, the black and white have to mix.

When it comes to sorting my emotions, I’m the most at a loss when they feel all mixed up. Joy and sorrow, peace and anxiety, excitement and melancholy. How can I feel both at once? It’s confusing and exhausting.

This time of year triggers a lot of these seemingly conflicting emotions in me. And I have to believe I’m not alone in this. I find so much joy in the season. I love reading and reflecting on the true Christmas story. I LOVE the hunt for the perfect gift. I love planning surprises and I love seeing the excitement on my kids’ faces! I have a whole bunch of wonderful Christmas memories to reflect on too.

But…

I also feel heaviness. With my handful of sad and difficult memories popping to the surface at random, and leaving me confused and worn out. Trying to sort it all out during such a full and fast paced season can leave it all feeling…unresolved.

How can it all make sense together? How do I hold the light and the dark?

And that is where I was going wrong. You see, I was trying to put everything in neat little boxes tied up with pretty bows. I was also trying to just ignore the thoughts and feelings I didn’t like, hoping they would just go away. Neither one works.

Because, forcing it all to make sense and pushing away the darkness that I can’t understand is never going to work. I am not equipped to handle it on my own.

Why?

Because Jesus is the light. The true Light. The lasting Light. And He alone fully understands everything in the dark.

This coming to the end of my understanding reveals the depth of my need for the Light. I can not even understand my own heart and mind and I can’t even sort out my own emotions…but God in His mercy offers me rest and comfort and light. How good and kind He is to allow difficult things in my life to gently lead me to Him over and over. Because I need Him. And I can trust Him with my memories. I can trust Him with my emotions. I can trust Him with my heart. And in trusting Him who knows all things, even with the darkness that I can’t understand, He gives me Light. Light in the form of a tiny baby, born in filth and obscurity.

Born to bring freedom.

Born so that I may be born again.

Born to fill us with His glorious light.

2 Corinthians 4:6 “For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”