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A bloody mouth

/ heartmomma / 6 Comments

I had a first with Lincoln tonight.  He had his first official fall on his mouth…cut and bleeding gums and all.  It’s never a pleasant experience seeing blood filling your baby’s mouth, but it happens and I’m sure it’s the first of many.  It wasn’t really the blood that effected me.  Heaven knows I’ve seen my share of blood.  I mean I’ve seen my daughter’s chest cracked open with her beating heart in plain view and I’ve seen bloody tears coming out of her eyes and running down her face from her eye surgery.  Besides the numerous times she’s fallen and cut her own mouth.  No.  It wasn’t the blood that bothered me.  It was the fact that my baby is quickly becoming a little boy and there are fewer and fewer things that I can protect him from.  Sometimes I wonder why God didn’t give me an easy baby.  You know, one of those happy, content, and uncomplicated little cherubs.    Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for the world!  But Ava was…well Ava, and Lincoln has not been easy either.  He was not a happy baby, has never been very content, and has allergies to complicate things (milk, eggs, peanuts…and the kicker-dogs).  If you are wondering what this has to do with his bloody mouth, be patient, I’m getting to that.  But I had an epiphany tonight, after Ava was in bed and I was cuddling a slumbering Lincoln, God gave me this little boy because He knew I was going to try and hang on to him too tightly and Lincoln just is not going to let me do that.  I realized that maybe I wasn’t holding on to him in a physical way, but in my heart I saw him as “my” baby.  God showed me quite a while ago that Ava is not mine.  She is totally His.  And then God took our second little one home before we even met her.  So…I saw Lincoln as “my” gift.  The one that I could hold on to.  Almost like I felt like God owed me at least one of my children to be mine.  But Lincoln is not mine.  I have no control over his life.  I cannot protect him from hurt.  I cannot keep him from heartache.  I cannot dictate what he will be.  He is God’s and God’s alone.  As much as I want to hang on to someone that I love with both hands…I can’t.  Maybe this all sounds elementary, because it is.  But it’s a lesson that I seem to have to keep learning over and over.  And I’ve learned that if I’m struggling with something than chances are I’m not the only one.  So, I’m laying my heart out tonight…or at least part of it.  I’m trying to let go and let God, but it is definitely not easy and it definitely does not come naturally to me.  But I know that God is not done with me and for some reason, He doesn’t mind teaching me the same things over and over.  I love that about Him.  I would have given up on me a long time ago.  But He is the ONLY sure thing and He is the ONLY thing that will never change in this life.

That’s it for now.  If you guessed that I am avoiding talking about my thoughts and feelings about Josiah/cancer the last couple months….then you would be right.  It’s not because I’m not working through things and it’s not because I’m not hurting…I’m just not ready to put it into words right now.  I will though because I know I need to eventually.  But thank you for loving me just where I am.

I Samuel 1:27-28
“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to The Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to The Lord.”

Our week

/ heartmomma / 2 Comments

Here’s a recap of last week:

This past week was supposed to be pretty free with not a lot scheduled…I’m not sure how that changed, but it sure did.  The week started with Lincoln not feeling well.  He had a fever from Sunday to Tuesday and then he developed a rash.  He is also teething again and having his typical skin issues so, he was pretty grouchy and cuddly.  The cuddly part I enjoyed immensely 🙂  Anyway, I had already scheduled his 9-month appointment on Thursday so when I took him there I asked about his fever and rash.  All you experienced mom’s know exactly what I’m talking about…yep, Roseola is what the doctor guessed he had.    So, while I was at the doctor I had them test him for some food allergies that I have been wondering about.  Hopefully, I will get those results this week.

Friday morning we dropped the kids off at my in-laws and then drove to Tru’s funeral service.  My heart hurts so much for Tru’s family and I continue to pray for God’s comfort and peace to surround them.  Of course, every “Heart family” in that room knows it could just as easily be their child.  When I got home that night, I held my babies just a little bit tighter and thanked God for the treasures that He has given me.

Josiah had a doctor’s appointment that afternoon, so after the funeral we headed home to change and grab a bite to eat and then drove to Iowa City.  It had been about a month and half since we had been there and we had a good meeting.  Well…good and difficult at the same time.  I keep thinking I’ll get used to these meetings, but every time it’s like getting punched in the gut over and over.  We are so very thankful for the doctor God has led us to.  In the past three and a half years we have crossed paths with many doctors and most are very knowledgeable about their job, but very few treat you like they really care and make you feel like they are being 100% honest with you.  Dr. Mo (that’s his nickname) is one of those doctors and we appreciate the time he takes to answer our many questions.  And his nurse Wendee, is one of a kind.  We love her!  (that’s your shout-out if you still read this!)

Anyway, it was a long, emotional day.  We got home late and crashed.  The next morning, I was up early and headed to our church to help with a ministry called Wee Ones.  It was my first year helping and I was so blessed by the experience.  Hundreds of disadvantaged mom’s (and dad’s, and grandma’s, and lots of kids too!) came through the doors and received the Good News of Jesus Christ and bags and boxes full of clothes and items that they need to care for their children.  My heart was touched by these women who are so precious in God’s sight.  Several accepted Christ as their Savior which we rejoice in!  I was so drained when I got home, but so thankful for the blessings that God has poured down on me.

I won’t go into everything else that went on around here during the week (i.e.  celebrating my in-laws 30th anniversary, car shopping, 3-yr old drama, etc…).  We continue to have hard days and good days.  We continue to pray for God’s leading as we travel the winding and confusing road called cancer.  We continue to thank God for each one of you that is such a blessing to us!

Rejoicing day by day.