Josiah and I are heading off on our little get-a-way today!  We have been wanting to fit this in for a while and it fits perfectly now so we are going.  It’s the first vacation we have taken without kids since….we had kids 🙂  We are looking forward to sleeping (how lame does that sound?), and relaxing and just spending time with each other.  We also have a list of things we want to discuss and plan.  We want our time to be profitable and fun too.  We are sooooo excited about this!  But we are also trying not to put too much pressure on this trip and just go with the flow.  We will not be bringing the laptop and will only keep our phones on in case there is news from the kids.  Just wanted to let you know so you don’t worry about us 🙂

Now I’m off to spend time with my sweetie!

Love to all!

Josiah had scans in Iowa City today, so we packed up the kids, shipped them off to Nana’s house, and spent the day sitting in waiting rooms (well, at least I did).  The results of his tests were not the greatest….but I don’t think either one of us were really expecting good news (although a miracle would be nice!).  The plan is to start a different chemo in a couple weeks.  Josiah still needs some time for his blood levels to recover and we have plans for the two of us to get away for a few days and also some family coming in to town so it worked out well to take a “break” from treatment.

People keep asking me how I’m doing.  That’s a tricky thing to answer.  It really depends on the day.  I can have really good days where I am enjoying life and loving on my husband and kiddos and I can have really hard days and I can’t really predict when those will happen.  Like today for instance.  Most of the time I feel fine while I’m in Iowa City, but there are days (like today) where I am walking down the hall and I literally have to remind myself to breathe.  Now, between Josiah and Ava, I have a memory down every hallway and around every corner and sometimes those memories take my breath away.  There are times (like today) where I just feel so sad.  Seeing those that I love the most being poked and prodded time and time again takes it’s toll on my heart.  Watching Josiah’s face grimace while they try again and again to find a good vein as I look down at my own unscarred arms gets old.  And today for the first time, instead of feeling sad for all the elderly couples that we always see in the waiting rooms, I was jealous of them.  They have something that I want so so so badly.  To grow old with the love of my life.  To be one of those cute couples that have been married forever and still holding hands.  And, in less a miracle happens (which I would welcome with open arms), that’s just not my reality.  My reality is that I will probably be a widow before I’m thirty.  My reality is that I will probably be a single mom and my kids won’t even remember their Dad.  My reality is that I have to prepare to say good-bye to the one person on this earth that I am so close to that we are as one.  How am I supposed to do that?  Well…I really don’t know.  But I take one day at a time and I am learning to deal with the hard days even when I can’t explain them.  And I am learning that the ache in my heart is there to stay.  And I am learning that it’s OK to not know what I am feeling.  But there are days where I long for the peace that I will only feel someday when I am sitting at my Savior’s feet.  Oh, how I long for the day when the troubles of this world will vanish.  What a day that will be!  Can I hear an AMEN?

Why am I writting all of this?  I don’t know…it’s just what’s on my heart.  Also, it’s a request to please bear with me if you do catch me on a rough day.  It’s nothing personal and I’ll probably be “fine” in a few minutes and I just can’t predict it or explain it.

Thank you for all your love and prayers.