(this post is a little dated, but I thought it was still worth posting)

Time to brag on my 18 month old baby boy!

Big man, little man, stinker-pot, buddy-boy, sweet-boy, Linker, Link, Linky, scooby-doo, stinky, pumpkin…and the list of all his nicknames go on and on.  We love nicknames at our house 🙂  I do think that he’s going to think that “for pete’s sake” is his middle name because he hears “Lincoln, for pete’s sake, get off the table” and “Lincoln, for pete’s sake, stop writing on the wall” and “Lincoln, for pete’s sake, stop flushing the toilet” and “Lincoln, for pete’s sake, no, you can’t fly” and “Lincoln, for pete’s sake, how did you do that?”…and on and on and on, all the time.  He is fast and he is busy.  He can be very loud but he is most dangerous when he is very quiet 🙂  One of his new favorite things to do is climb/jump/fall from one piece of furniture to another…and when he can’t do that he “jumps” off to the floor…usually landing on his head.  He can’t really jump (although he’s working on it and it’s the funniest thing ever) but he thinks he can.  He is obsessed with anything with wheels.  I always know when he sees a truck or a construction vehicle or a lawn mower because his voice gets high and very expressive.  He says: Uh-oh, car, waves bye-bye and night-night, says please (sounds like cheese), says Ahh when he wants to brush his teeth, says mom-mom (although, that can mean his binky too…and I may be a little offended by that), says nummm (when something is yummy), and hi (he makes this into about a 6 syllable word.  “Hii-eeeeee”), and a bunch of other gibberish I can’t understand.  He has no desire to learn animal noises or try words…he’s very content with his own language and I’m in no hurry for that to change.  He weaned himself from his bottle about a month after Josiah died and I was so sad…but we still have our mommy/son cuddle time before bed most nights.  He has recently started enjoying books and wants the same book to be read over and over and over and reacts the same way every time.

I’ll admit, the mommy-guilt monster comes over me a lot when I think about my sweet boy.  In a lot of ways, I feel like he has gotten the shaft in his little life…I just hope he doesn’t feel that way someday.  I have fought this guilt from the time I found out we were expecting him.  Of course I was excited about this new little life…but my heart was definitely still healing from our miscarriage just a few months before.  God gave me comfort from His Word and I grew to be OK with feeling different during his pregnancy…but that guilt comes back every once in a while.  I’ve not kept it a secret what a difficult baby Lincoln was.  The kid just would not sleep and I don’t feel like I was able to really enjoy him as an infant because of that.  Of course, Josiah was diagnosed with cancer when Link was only 4 months old and because of that, a lot had to change in how he was cared for.  His food allergies were not figured out until he was 9 months old and I am just now really starting to look into it and feel like I can try to find solutions for him.  I have guilt that his Daddy was sick most his life which meant I had to be away from my baby so much.  And of course the big one, his Daddy going to heaven when he was 14 months old and all the grieving and changes that have taken place since then.  Maybe this guilt is normal to have for a second born (and geez, he has to live in Ava’s shadow too) and I know most of this was not in my control to change for him.  I even feel guilty that since Josiah died on the 3rd (Lincoln’s birthday is Dec. 3rd), that each month, what should be a celebration milestone for my baby, is always tainted by sadness.  Which is why this month on the 3rd, I forced myself to focus on it being Lincoln’s 18-month birthday instead of what else that day meant.  Ava and I took him to get a hair-cut and then we went to Wal-mart and bought squirt guns and other fun little things to celebrate.  He loved it and we had fun that day.  I know God has a perfect plan for my son and that He NEVER overlooks him.  So when the guilt threatens to take hold, I try to focus on those truths.

Lincoln,

I hope instead of all my ramblings today that you really KNOW how very special you are.  The moment you were born and you were placed on my chest was one of the best moments of my life.  Everything and everyone else faded away as we stared into each other’s eyes.  You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.  You have always been a cuddler and I LOVE that and still take full advantage of it.  You may not say many words that I understand but I know exactly what you mean by your expression, body language, and inflection.  I absolutely love that you are ALL boy…I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Of course I am absolutely in love with your striking blue eyes…and your little dimple on your right cheek (I LOVE dimples!).  That infectious laugh of yours gets me every time and I can’t get enough of your toothy smile!  You, my son, are one of a kind and God has a special plan for your life.  Of course I pray that you will first accept Christ as your Savior…then I pray that God would raise up a Timothy in you.  That you would be strong and courageous.  That God would use your determined nature for His kingdom.  That I would have wisdom in raising you to be a man…and that I would “let go” and trust God’s leading in your life even when it seems unsafe.  I pray that God would provide godly men in your life to fill places that I am unable to.  He will be faithful to you Lincoln and He PROMISES to be your Father.  You are precious in His sight.

I’m so proud of you sweet boy and I love you!

Love,

Mama