I’m not sure where to begin. It’s been one month…one whole month. I’m not sure how that’s possible since in so many ways it seems like just yesterday. I remember coming home the night Josiah died and going into our room…my room (I still have trouble calling it that)…and just kneeling on the floor, unable to sit on our bed, and weeping. Oh, the pain was so deep. I remember wondering at the time how I could keep breathing when I needed to remind myself to take every. single. breath and it hurt so much. How could my heart keep beating when it felt like it was shattered? How could my body keep living when half of it was missing? So many times I have pressed my hand against my chest to try to stop the real physical pain that is there. So many times “doing the next thing” is simply taking a breath and I have to repeat “just breath. just breath. just breath…”.
It’s been one month. One month since I was both wife and nurse…caring for him…loving him…night and day. Helping him with even the most ordinary tasks…but trying so desperately to do it in such a way that he still felt like the man that I saw him as. Feeling so lonely for him even though he was right next to me. Making decisions for his care that no one should have to make. His last day, I barely left his side. I was so focused on my last promise to him…that I would do everything in my power so that he would feel nothing. There was nothing and nobody else on my mind. Every inch of me was tuned into his every breath.
It’s been one month. Lincoln turned 15 months old today. It absolutely breaks my heart to know that he will never know his Daddy. He doesn’t even know what he’s missing. He’s learning so much right now and it tears me up inside that I can’t share it with Josiah and see that proud grin on his face.
It’s been one month. Ava always refers to Josiah as “my Dad”. She misses him a lot. She doesn’t cry every night like she did that first week…but the other night she just sobbed and said “I just miss my Dad”. I hurt so much for her…she’s so tender. She’s having to learn such hard lessons so early. But I am trusting that God will use it mightily in her life.
It’s been one month. God shows Himself to me every.single.day and I am grateful because I am learning that what He showed me yesterday to get through the day usually doesn’t work for today. I have never had to declare to my heart that God is faithful like I have had to do every day this past month. It doesn’t just come naturally anymore. It’s a definite, clear, and often forceful choice that I make (listen to Steven Curtis Chapman’s song “Faithful”. He puts it better and it’s probably my favorite song on the album). But I have also never been quite so clear in my purpose to glorify God. Because without that purpose…I would have no reason to live. My kids cannot be the only reason why I keep breathing…that’s not fair to them and it’s not healthy for me. Of course, they are the two most important people in my life…but they can never be my sole purpose for living. They will leave me someday too…only my Heavenly Father will ALWAYS be with me. I am gaining a new and deeper understanding of who my God is and I know He will fill every empty place in my heart (and there are MANY of them). He PROMISES to heal my broken heart (Psalm 147:3)…and I really have no idea how on earth He’s going to do it…but I trust that He will. Will it leave a scar? Of course it will. But that will just be proof of all that He has done.
I love this song…and I know, I know, more song lyrics…but God created music and He created a capacity in us to be touched by music, so I’m going with it.
What Faith can Do – Kutless
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
I have seen all of those take place in my life…except that last one…I’m walking in faith for that.
It’s been a month Baby. What wonders you have seen…I can’t wait to have you as my tour guide.
I’ll see you soon.
On Thursday I took the kids to get their hair cuts. You could call it their “spring cuts”…but they’re probably more accurately called our “just really really wanting spring to come so bad that maybe haircuts will help get us through the last weeks of winter, cuts”. Anyway, Lincoln was getting really shaggy and usually I trim it myself, but I just didn’t want to this time, and Ava’s hair…well there is a story behind that one. Ava has always had long hair and I loved it…but her Daddy loved it even more. He was always very attached to her long hair and would barely let me trim it. It was getting to be too long though and constantly needed to be pulled back and I had thought of the idea quite awhile ago that when it got long enough that we would donate it to Locks of Love…but I didn’t think I would ever be able to talk Josiah into it, and I didn’t even bring it up to him. But a couple months before he died, Ava was running around with her hair down and we were commenting on how crazy long it was and Josiah said that he thought it needed to be cut…that he was letting go of it and giving me permission. I explained my idea of donating it and he thought that was a great idea. Well, the haircut just never happened…until this week I knew I just needed to do it. And even though I probably would have cut it anyway…having Josiah’s permission made it so much easier and more special.
Beautiful Things 