I think I have been silent long enough.  I don’t have any real idea of where this post is going…so hang on.  How do I even put into words these last couple days….or weeks…or months.  Where do I even start?  There are some things that may always just be too painful to write about.  Other things may come out in time.

I miss him.

Yesterday at Josiah’s visitation, I really missed him.  I really could have used him standing by my side…instead he was lying in a casket.  I was not prepared for how incredibly difficult it was going to be walking down that isle behind his casket…the same isle I walked down a little over five years ago…except that time he was standing at the other end waiting for me.  That day I wore white…yesterday I wore black.  I can’t even describe the emotions that were racing through me.  That and saying good-bye at the grave-sight….so hard.  I just let down for a few moments.  Then I just knew I had to be the first one to move and leave….even though I so wanted to be the last.  I’m just doing the next thing…that’s my new motto.  I am not letting myself have regrets…I don’t have time for them.  My babies need me now more than ever…and do I ever need them!

A young family asked me how they could pray for Ava and Lincoln (you know who you are), and I think I said something about praying that Ava would have understanding.  Ava has been processing.  You probably couldn’t tell that by looking at her…but a mom knows.  From the time she was an infant, I felt like I could look into her eyes and see what she was thinking…and she can often do that to me too.  Anyway, the night Josiah died, I felt very strongly that I needed to go home and I needed to be there with Ava.  Ava needed to know where her Daddy was and I needed to be the one to tell her.  Almost the minute she got home (I was there waiting for her) she asked “where’s Daddy”.  That was a very typical question from her.  I got her into bed and I cuddled in next to her and told her that Daddy had died and he was in heaven with Jesus.  I told her that we were sooooo happy for him because he had no more owies, no more medicines, no more sickness, or doctors, or hospitals…that Jesus had made him all better in heaven (I knew she would appreciate that as she was always so concerned about him).  But I told her we would miss him, and that was OK, and that we would cry, and that was OK too.  She was very quiet (which is very unlike her) and then she changed the subject.  I was so busy the next couple days making arrangements, that I didn’t see her much, but I would have her brought home to spend the night.  She was very cuddly and affectionate…much more than usual…and I could just see it in her eyes that she was thinking.  She had only asked one other time where her Daddy was and had only wanted a short answer.  Yesterday, after everything was done, I decided to go home and just spend time with the kids.  I was exhausted, but I knew that the three of us needed to be together.  I hadn’t seen Lincoln since Monday, and we were missing each other very much.  I know it was a God thing that I made that choice because later in the evening, Ava finally opened up.  She came to me and told me she was sad and I scooped her up in my lap and asked her why she was so sad.  In a barely audible voice (I actually had to have her repeat it so I could make sure what she said), she said, “I just want to go to heaven to be with daddy”.  That about broke my heart, but I was so glad that she understood some of it and I know it was such an important thing for her to be able to get that out.  I hugged and loved on her for a while and we had a little chat.  Then I let her down and she said “I’m happy now!”, I told her that was just fine too…that it was perfectly OK to be happy.  A few minutes later, she said she was sad again.  I asked her why again and she said “I’m sorry it was all my fault”.  Oh, my heart fell.  I’m not even sure if she really knew what that meant…but I reassured her that this was in absolutely NO way her fault.  She happily agreed with me and went on to eat her dinner.  That’s the beauty of being three I guess.  She has had other times when she has told me she is sad and when I ask her if it’s because she misses Daddy, she nods her head.  But I don’t see that tortured little look in her eye any more, and I’m thankful for that.  Last night as I was putting her to bed, instead of reading from her Bible story book, I explained to her God’s plan of salvation.  After I was done and she had asked all her questions, I layed her down and she got teary eyed, so we talked about Daddy.  She shared a funny memory, one that she can’t possibly remember but must have seen the picture, and we giggled about that for a while.  Both her and Lincoln (who hadn’t been home in nearly three weeks) have been much more in need of love and affection from me than normal…I am more than happy to give it.  Please keep them in prayer, they both have a lot of adjustments to make in their own little ways.

I am purposing in my heart not to put any kind of “grieving standards” on me or my kids.  We will all do this in our own time and way.  In a way, I have been grieving for months.  As Josiah’s cancer progressed, and ever so slowly, he wasn’t able to do things we were accostomed too…I grieved for those things.  Not to say that I won’t grieve for them some more…but it’s not a total shock to me.  My pain is very real and it runs very deep.  But there is a sense of relief knowing that he is free and in no pain and is being taken care of far better than I could.  I can’t tell you how helpless a feeling it is to sit by and watch your love suffer, knowing you can do nothing.  My every nerve has been on alert for months…that takes a toll.  In Josiah’s last month, he needed me by his side almost constantly.  I knew what he needed and I knew what his meds were and what they were for and how much he needed and when he needed them.  He wasn’t able to reach his feet the last several months, so I washed them and I put his socks and shoes on.  Near the end he couldn’t use the bathroom by himself or eat by himself or brush his teeth.  He felt most comfortable with me doing those things for him….and it was an absolute HONOR to do them.  I wouldn’t have had it any other way.  It was my last love gift to him and I willingly and joyfully did it.  But my heart was torn.  I was still a mommy and I barely saw my kids.  My husband came first…but it doesn’t always mean that was easy.  I guess I’m not even going to worry if this sounds bad or not, because it’s true.  But now that Josiah is in heaven and there is nothing more I can do for him and nothing more he even needs or wants…my heart feels more at rest.  I am at home with my children and I don’t feel torn anymore.  It hurts not to share all the cute little things they do with the one other person who cares as much as I do.  I’m going to have to learn to play army men…that’s something Josiah did.  Valentines Day is coming up…our engagement anniversary is next month…Ava’s 4th birthday is just around the corner…and every normal day in between will have their own set of struggles.  But I know that if God’s grace has gotten me this far…He will continue.  I think the thing I fear the most is if Ava had more health struggles…I’m not sure how I would handle that without Josiah right by my side.  But, I’m going to try not to borrow trouble and just take one day at a time.

Thank you for all your wonderful support!  I don’t think I have ever had so many hugs in my life as I did yesterday.  I was completely overwhelmed with how many of you came to the service and many more that were watching online.  Pretty amazing.  But Josiah was a pretty amazing man so I guess I’m not surprised 🙂  I so appreciate all of  you that said you would continue to pray.  Please do.  We need them.