The kids and I went to the park this evening before supper.  I was feeling tired and was lacking any motivation and the kids were full to overflowing with energy so I knew I needed to make a plan.  I’m usually fine, but evenings can be difficult on random days.  It’s a time when families come together…and well, ours is together ALL the time so nothing much changes at night.  Sometimes that fact can make me in need of something different.  Tonight…it was the park (with a quick little trip to starbucks on the way for a pick-me-up for mommy).  It was a beautiful evening and we had such fun together.  There were lots of Daddies at the park but I tried not to let that hurt get in the way of our time together.  When we got in the car to go home I suddenly felt the urge to go to Josiah’s grave…so we did.  The kids always make their own fun there and tonight was no exception.  There is plenty of space to run and play and as much as it hurts, I love that they are ridiculously comfortable there because it is our normal.  I also love how God always meets me in a special way there.  Even though I didn’t verbalize a prayer…my heart was hurting and needing some kind of comfort.  And my God did not fail me tonight. I’m not one to really look for “signs”, but when I looked over at the sunset tonight, I saw this:

I realize that this may seem silly to some and maybe a little far-fetched, but regardless of the method, God’s message hit the mark.  I do not believe that seeing a heart-shaped cloud at that specific time was a coincidence.  I do believe that God used that to tell me in a very unique way (don’t ya love that God is creative and unique?) that He loves me with an everlasting love and NOTHING can change that.  And I love that He chose to show that to me in that place…my husband’s grave, a very real symbol of the human love that I no longer have.  I am NEVER alone.  I am His. He chose me.  He will NEVER let me go.  I am complete in Him.  I am LOVED more than I can ever imagine.  That is enough.

We had a picnic tonight.  On our deck.  Sitting at the new table and chairs I bought at a garage sale last week.  I grilled hamburgers for the first time.  We chatted and giggled.  But…there was an empty chair.  Chairs always come in a group of four…not three.  And while I did find a sense of accomplishment in learning to grill…I found no happiness in it.  The smell was fantastic and something I have missed this summer…but it made me miss him even more.  It’s been over seven months and the ache in my heart is very much still there.  Ava still misses her Daddy (she mentioned that several times just tonight).  Sometimes I think I just don’t want to truly face the pain every day.  So even thought it’s still there, I choose not to put it into words.

We have been crazy busy lately…but at the end of the day, I still face silence and an empty bed.  I have grown used to being the one to answer my children’s cries and not having someone else to help.  There are times when I feel exhausted, but I have to put that aside because I don’t always have the luxury of being tired.

With each change of season brings new pain.  Memories can be very heavy.  Just normal activities can bring up unexpected heartache.  I’ve been going through the kids clothes the past few weeks and I did not expect seeing things they wore last year to bring up such vivid and crushing memories.  The clothes they wore when they last saw their Daddy, or the outfits I picked out for them to wear to their Daddy’s funeral…it all seems so wrong and yet it’s our life…our reality.

We have started to find our “normal”.  It’s very different, but it’s ours.  There are days when I struggle with contentment, loneliness, patience with my children, loving and obeying my Savior…OK, so I struggle with those things EVERY day.  But I don’t think I’m all that different from anyone else…I’m just also grieving the loss of my best friend on top of it all.  Those of you that tell me you are still praying for us are so precious to me.  I will hopefully find my blogging groove again soon.  Until then know that we laugh every single day, we love each other to the moon and back, and our God is faithful, still on His throne and we’ll see Him soon.

Good-night