So…my birthday is this week…ok, actually it’s tomorrow.  And I’m not writing this to gain attention…I just needed to write it down to admit that it’s actually going to happen.  You see, I’ve been in a bit of denial…just not wanting to face it.  It’s just one more “first” and honestly, I just wanted to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t coming.  But it’s here and I can’t control that.  I have almost sat down several times to write about this and reminisce past birthdays spent with my Beloved and lament all the years we were “supposed” to have together.  I was struggling with all of this just last night and pouring it out at my Savior’s feet.  Admitting that I knew I needed to get my heart ready for His blessings that He wanted to give me…but also admitting that I just didn’t want to.  So, in essence I was telling God that I didn’t want His blessings.  How foolish.  And how vain that I thought that I could dictate what God wanted for me.  All my foolishness and heart-ache has been crashing down today.  God’s blessings have poured down and I am so humbled and thankful that He sees me where I am and He sees what I think I need, and He gives me what He knows I need anyway.

So, tomorrow’s my birthday.  I will be 26 years old.  I wouldn’t have believed all God had planned for me last year so I won’t even try to guess His plan for me this year.  All I know is He is good and He is faithful and bit by bit He is healing my bruised and bleeding heart just as He promised.  Over the past few days, I did come out of my funk long enough to make some plans…we’ll see how it all turns out!  My heart’s prayer for tomorrow is that I would choose joy.

Aware

(by: Salvador)

Even in the little things
That never seem too big to me
And the things that I thought
Didn’t matter much at all

As simple as my daily bread
To the strength I need to get out of bed
When I fly, when I’m about to Fall

It’s you in me
That I fail to see

Make me aware, make me see
Everything I am is not all about me
Take my world, turn it around
So that the obvious can finally be found

Make me aware, make me aware

When my life is hanging from a thread
And I think about the things you said
In this moment seems so far away

Help me see the guarantees
That first brought me to believe
So I can make it through another day

Oh, it’s you in me
That helps me to breathe

Make me aware, make me see

Everything I am is not all about me
Take my world, turn it around
So that the obvious can finally be found

Make me aware
I have been missing so much
Not recognizing your touch
All acknowledging you’re the reason I’m even here

I have been missing so much
Not recognizing your touch

Make me aware, make me aware

Help me see, Everything I am is not all about me
Take my world, turn it around
So that the obvious can finally be found
Make me aware, make me aware

I had this nice little post written (in my head) about our Memorial day weekend…and I had this other post (written in my head of course) about yesterday being the 4-month mark of Josiah’s promotion.  But neither one got written.  I have just felt so blah and exhausted lately.  Kinda numb and kinda just holding it together.  And I feel so tired all the time.  Everything just feels like a major effort and I thought if I just pushed ahead I could pull myself out of it.  Well, it hasn’t worked.  Big surprise, I can’t control everything…I think I’ve mentioned that before.  Anyway, I was just feeling blue today and decided spur of the moment to have the kids spend the afternoon and night at my parents house.  I needed some time to think…and I needed some time to not think…and I needed some time to grieve…and I needed some time to get some things done.  First thing on my very loosely planned agenda…I really needed a good healthy cry.  I’m not a big crier normally but the past few weeks I have felt on the verge almost constantly and I have shed some tears here and there, but I needed a good cry.  So, I went to my husband’s grave and did just that.  This was only the second time I have been there since his funeral.  Me and the kids went for the first time on Memorial day.  It is more difficult and heart-breaking than I thought it would be to talk about going there.  Which is why if you asked what I did on our holiday weekend, I probably left that part out.  It’s just hard to make the words come out of my mouth…I’m crying now just typing it.  It’s just one more reality check in a steady stream.  To hear the words “Daddy’s grave” come out of my precious 4-yr-old baby’s mouth is indescribably painful.  But it’s our life and it’s our normal.

Anyway, back to today.  When I took the kids to the cemetary, I made a point not to “talk” to Josiah because I didn’t want to confuse them…we talked to God instead.  But today, I will admit that I did.  It is the weirdest thing to know that his body is buried right there and that fact just makes you want to lay down next to that spot just to try to feel near him again…but then you also have the reality that “he’s” not really there.  It is a strange and hard fact to truly grasp.  So, I sat there for a while and cried and then I had some really good time in the Word with no rushing or distractions, just me and God.  That was definitely something that my soul needed.  I didn’t stay too long and stopped at Sonic on the way home (that may become tradition since it is conveniently on the way home :)) and I’ve just been at home since then, puttering around getting some stuff done.  I am feeling refreshed and renewed…and I get to sleep in tomorrow for the first time in I don’t know how long, happy day 🙂

I’ll end with a verse that I read in my alone time with God today and then the verse He brought to my mind as my heart’s prayer:

“Cast your burden on the Lord, And He shall sustain you…” (Ps. 55:22a)

“Restore to me the JOY of Your salvation and uphold me by Your generous Spirit.” (Ps. 51:12)

Good-night.