I usually have a pretty good idea of what I’m going to do with my evenings.  But tonight I feel restless…unsettled…weary.  It’s a strange combination and I’m not sure what to do with it.

Sometimes I can’t believe that this is my life.  How did this happen?  Was it really only a year ago that cancer entered our lives?  How could my life change so much in such a short period of time?  Was that really me that watched my husband die?  How can I already be a widow at the age of 25?  Sometimes I look at our wedding photo hanging on my bedroom wall and I miss that girl looking back at me.  I miss that innocent love shining in our eyes.  I miss the dreams we had together.  I miss the laughter we shared.  I miss quiet evenings after the kids were in bed…it was his favorite time of the day…he told me that often.  I miss being a part of him…I miss the part of me that disappeared when he died.

I am adjusting and I am learning so much…but sometimes this all feels like a dream and there is a tiny little part of my brain that still thinks he’s coming back.  It’s tough having that conflict because the rest of me knows he’s never coming back….but there is that little bit of me that just doesn’t want to believe that.

There are some things from this past year that I know I just need to write down so I can stop rehashing them in my brain…but I just can’t quite make myself do it…it hurts too much.

I have started going through “our” bedroom, packing up Josiah’s things and making it into “my” bedroom.  I knew from almost the moment after Josiah died that I would need to do this…but I haven’t been able to until this week.  It’s been a good thing.  I found his journal and read the entire thing.  Such precious words.

Well, I guess I just needed to get some things “out” tonight…and have a good cry while I was doing it.  I feel better.  Writing things down is just such a release for me…it’s how God made me.

Thanks for listening.

The ache in my heart is not constant as it was at first…but when it hits, it hits hard.  It is deep and it is painful.  I am already tired of wishing I could ask Josiah about things that come up…oh how I long to ask him.  There are so many things that we did discuss, but there are so many other things that both of us did without a thought and now I am left wondering what to do about them.  Josiah would know.  I find myself having to dissect my life into different categories and then decide who the best person is to discuss them with.  I miss just having one person to go to for all things.  The day after Josiah’s funeral Ava found Josiah’s cell phone and said “Oops, Daddy forgot his phone!”.  I of course explained to her why Daddy “forgot” his phone, but in my head I was thinking how nice it would be to have that line of communication with him.  Just to hear his voice.  Just to have his confirmation that I am doing OK.  Just to ask his advice.  Just to hear him say “I love you”.  I know this line of thinking isn’t helpful…but sometimes I can’t help it.  I am so very human and I so desire that human connection with my Beloved.  Oh, how I miss him.

But I am not naive enough to think that if he was here that all my problems would be solved and my life would be perfect.  Far from it.  Marriage, while it can be beautiful, is not perfect and is not easy.  I am so looking forward to the day when Josiah and my relationship will be perfect for the first time.  We will have no selfish ambition.  No pride.  No anger.  No miscommunication.  No sin.  And I know, at that moment, this time apart will seem like a blink of an eye and I will gain that perfect heavenly perspective that I lack right now and my heart will be completely healed.

Until then, I cling to God’s promises and I strive to trust in my Savior completely so He will make my path straight and very obvious to me (Psalm 5:8).  He is near to me (Psalm 34:18a).