Not sure where to start.  I know I have been quiet here on my blog…but God has not been quiet in my heart.  He has been loud and clear.  He keeps shaking me up….turning me upside-down.  There is a part of me that really wants to pretend He is not doing that.  Sometimes, I just want to “be”…I just want to coast.  Change is exhausting…growth is painful.  But it’s what God has called me to do.  He’s not finished with me yet…not by a long shot…and I am forever grateful for that.  God didn’t just take my husband Home and drop me into widowhood with my fatherless children and say “there you go”.  No.  Far from it.  He still has plans for me.  That truth excites me, exhausts me, overwhelms me, encourages me…fills me with hope.

Just a week and a half ago my pastor’s wife encouraged me to use my time serving others.  That was a huge challenge to me.  In my bereaved state of mind it has been hard enough for me to stay on top of my own life and my kid’s lives, much less even notice what is going on in other’s lives.  My brain has been just so incapable of much clear thought.  For example, a couple weeks ago after going to a friends house and seeing my children go ga-ga over her fruit tray, I realized that, besides bananas, I had not bought fruit since Josiah died.  The thought hadn’t even occurred to me.  That is how absolutely stunned my brain has been.  But God has been working in my heart and slowly transforming my brain to make it capable of more than thinking of myself and reliving memories.  It came to a head on Sunday morning, Pastor preached on being open to interruptions and seeing other’s needs and the work God is doing outside of ourselves.  Ouch.  It was the lesson that God was working in me all week and then needed to bluntly face me with.  At the end of the message, Pastor offered an invitation to come talk with someone or just kneel at the steps (like every Sunday).  The Holy Spirit was telling me to go forward…and I fought it…coming up with every excuse I could think of.  But I knew I could not say “no” to God so blatantly and not have consequences.  So I went forward…knelt and prayed…surrenduring my will, my grief, my self-centeredness.  Pastor came over and prayed with me.  He knew what I was dealing with because he has dealt with it himself.  On a side note, I’m so thankful for the people who God has specifically brought into my life to walk this path with me.  Anyway, after the service, I sat in the first row for a few minutes, staring at the stage…remembering the last time I had been on that stage…memories of my husband’s life and his funeral ran through my head as I surrendered even my memories.  Yes, I am still grieving…but I can serve in the midst of my grief.  With God’s help I can extend myself to others in need.  I don’t see anywhere written in the Bible that widowhood gives me license to live a selfish life.  Being a widow is not the thing I want to define my life…it’s a part of God’s plan for me…but not the whole plan.

So…what does this look like?  I’m not sure yet.  But I am striving to be obedient in the ways that the Spirit prompts me.  It takes a lot of effort on my part to train my brain to think outside myself.  I feel like a slate that’s been wiped clean…an empty vessel waiting to be filled again.  I desperately want it to filled with Jesus…only Jesus.