Thoughts | Beautiful Things

A heartbeat can change your life. I can think of a few times when the sound of a heartbeat was the most important sound in my world.

Each time I heard my unborn babies heartbeats. And the time when it couldn’t be found.

After Ava’s second heart surgery, she was so swollen that they couldn’t close up her chest for a while. They placed what just looked like saran wrap over her. I could see past her spread open tiny rib cage to her itty bitty heart (the size of a golfball)…beating it’s rhythm. It was so beautiful and sacred…like I was viewing a secret…and at the same time horrifying…the visual reality of how fragile her life was. My own heart ached with every beat I watched of hers.

What is a heartbeat? According to the dictionary its a pulsation of the heart, including one complete systole and diastole. Did you know that there’s a part of your brain that tunes out the sound of your own heart? We can hear other’s heartbeats, but the sound of our own heart would be too distracting. I read about a study where they flashed pictures of shapes to participants while they were in an MRI machine. When those pictures where shown in the exact same rhythm of their heartbeats, participants had a much lower awareness of the shapes…and in some cases, failed to see the pictures at all.

Our heartbeat can effect what we see.

Ten years ago today…a heartbeat changed my life.

I was sitting in a hospice room watching my first husbands chest rise and fall. His heart, still young and strong, beating it’s rhythm.

Until it stopped.

The cancer had finally taken over and his heart couldn’t beat anymore.

I knew he was gone. That his body was empty. But I asked for a few minutes alone anyway. I had not been able to be close to him in a while because of his pain and discomfort and I wanted to lay my head on his chest one more time.

So I did…

And I heard silence.

Deafening silence.

No rhythmic beating. No comforting sign of life.

Just silence.

That was the moment that I fully knew that he was gone.

And for a while, the sound of others heartbeats was hard to bare. I’m not a tall girl, so when I’m hugged I can often hear other’s heartbeats. I became more aware of my own heartbeat as well.

And they all reminded me of the heart that was still and silent.

I have no memories of being driven home that night. But I do remember walking into our house…my house…and feeling like all of my insides were being ripped out.

But my heart kept beating.

And with each beat God was there. At first, it was all I could do to just keep acknowledging His faithfulness. Over time, He kept healing my heart, not because time heals hearts…but because He does. Healing came through seeing Him more clearly and more deeply. It’s taken years, but now when I look back, I can see not just His presence…I can see His overwhelming kindness, in every situation.

Heartbeats have changed how I see.

So, in my memories today, I feel the ache of sadness. Because its part of my story. But in that, I run to and rest in the One who has always held my heart. And He helps me see what I truly need…Him.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3 Heart-Screening-1024x657

Confession…my favorite part of Thanksgiving day is dark early in the morning, before the sun and before the kids are up. It’s my time to wrestle the turkey and do all the other things that are left to get ready for the day of feasting and family.

But, it’s also my time to remember. I reminisce about Thanksgivings past. I remember all the years I spent at my grandmas house and how hard she worked to make it so delicious…and I feel closer to her as I work hard to show my family I love them through the special meal. Now my grandparents live in California so I don’t get to celebrate with them, but all the scents and sounds take me back as I strive to live up to my grandma’s renowned cooking skills and her gift for loving others through food.

I take embroidered towels out of the drawer and remember my Great Aunt Kate (because she did the embroidery). I remember her quick, sharp wit. I remember her passionate servants heart. I remember how she always referred to me as “MY Jessie” (one of a handful of people to call me Jessie). I remember her tight hugs, which in later years would usually end with her shaking with sobs as we shared the mutual sorrow of widowhood. I remember how she threatened bodily harm to both of my husbands if they ever hurt “her” Jessie.

And I remember my Great Aunt Ruth, because rarely would I spend time with my grandma without her two sisters (Kate and Ruth). So many Thanksgivings and other get togethers with those three loving and teasing each other. So many games of dominos and UNO. Aunt Kate accusing everyone else of cheating (when we all knew it was her who was cheating) and my Aunt Ruth quietly playing and often winning. Aunt Ruth was the solid, quiet rock of that trio. I admired her grace and poise so much.

Both my Aunt Kate and Aunt Ruth are in heaven now. One suddenly and the other after an excruciating illness. But I miss them both so dearly…especially this time of year. I miss them being in my corner…always, without question. I miss their prayers for me. I miss simply being with them and listening to their stories. But, until I see them again, I remember and am thankful for them being a part of my life.

God is so good to bring people in and out of our lives. I’m thankful for the void that they leave for its sometimes in the missing that we see God’s care for us in orchestrating each relationship. And in that intimate care of providing each relationship, He also shows that He knows and cares deeply for our losses too. And I’m so thankful that I have a God who cares about all my joys and sorrows… big and small.

“…Thy will is in all thy provisions

to enable me to grow in grace,

and to be meet for thy eternal presence.

My heaven-born faith gives promise of eternal sight,

my new birth a pledge of never-ending life.

I draw near to thee, knowing thou wilt draw near to me.

I ask of thee, believing thou hast already given.

I entrust myself to thee, for thou hast redeemed me.

I bless and adore thee, the eternal God,

for the comfort of these thoughts,

the joy of these hopes.” ~The Valley of Vision

1 Peter 5:7 – “Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.”

Matthew 6:30 – “And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?”