I wrote this before Josiah died and I never had a chance to finish it….but I’m publishing it anyway.  I thought it would be appropriate to publish it today because today was a very special day for us.  Six years ago today Josiah got on one knee and asked me to marry him.  I would say yes again in a heart-beat.

When I was young (and I know what some of you are thinking “she’s only 25”, but hear me out), my idea of love was that it was about getting flowers and going on picnics and planning special dates.  And don’t get me wrong, I still think that those are special ways to show love.  But, my idea of love has grown and changed over the past 5 years.  Now, love to me is when my husband tells me I’m beautiful after I’ve been up with the baby all night and haven’t showered in days-that’s love.  Or when my husband tenderly lifts his daughter out of bed in the middle of the night and gently washes the puke out of her hair-that’s love.  Or the way my husband seeks to provide for his family-that’s love.  Or when my husband makes the bed even though he can barely walk-that’s love.  Or when my husband, with his only small burst of energy of the day takes my hand and we dance in our living room, cane and all, while he sings his version of  “You’re still the one that I love, the only one I dream of, you’re still the one I kiss good-night” (I love his random song choices)-that’s love.

Even though Josiah never got to read that…he already knew that was how I felt.  Josiah showed his love to me in countless little ways every day.  And because of all the things that he planned ahead, in a lot of ways, he still is.  He cherished me, he challenged me, he took care of me.  I will forever love him for that.

“[Love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails.”  1 Corinthians 13:7-8

Thanks for all the responses to my “Ava-ism” post (you can keep commenting if you think of more)…I knew I was forgetting some!  I love that kid!  You know, when Josiah lay dying I navely purposed in my heart that I was going to laugh at least one time every day with my children…I forgot that they would give me no choice…they MAKE me laugh every single day 🙂

Let’s see…how was my week…well, I’ve had better, but I’ve had worse too.  I am just missing Josiah so much more…I didn’t even know that was possible.  I miss sharing my life with him.  I miss all those little tiny things that as a married couple you don’t even notice…until they are gone.  My emotions are completely unpredictable.  I can see hundreds of couples or families and it will hurt, but not tear me up…and then I see the man carrying his wife’s purse, or the Dad that grabs his son’s hand as they cross the street…and my heart just drops.  I will feel like I’ve been hit and I stumble back…in reality I don’t physically do that, but my heart does.  Saying good-bye to someone isn’t just burying them…it’s constant.  It’s a thousand good-byes every.single.day.  It’s even realizing that you did something without thinking about them, and wow, that hurts too.  It’s all the celebrations, both big and little that they will never be apart of.  It’s buying a new pair of jeans and not being able to run home and show him, but knowing that he would think they were hot.  It’s going to Menards by myself to look at ceiling fans and having to leave because I can’t stand the idea of picking one out without him.  It’s knowing that I need to cancel his cell phone but not being able to because it was such a part of him.  A thousand good-byes a day.

My house is very disorganized and I’ve been tackling things one at a time.  But I’ve been dragging my feet on some of the more pressing things…like our bedroom.  I just can’t face going through that room…I haven’t even unpacked the last bag I packed for us…the one we brought to the hospice.  But it needs to be done.  So…instead of that project, I’m working on our coat closet.  It was a disaster.  But because I needed to clean it out, it also meant that I needing to start packing up Josiah’s things.  So difficult.  So painful.  I put on his coat for a minute before I packed it up…and for that moment I felt his arms around me.  I packed up his hideous cowboy boots, and yes, I occasionally let him wear them, and yes I apologize to Lincoln’s future wife because I’m saving them for him.  Everything has a memory and I cried like a baby.  I’m not “moving on”…in fact I think that’s one of the worst statements…I will never “move on”.  Josiah will always be a part of my heart.  But I do have to more forward…even though I don’t really want to.

While I’m on the subject of phrases that I hate…let me throw out a couple more…”passed away”, what does that even mean?  It sounds so polite (which is why we use it)…but death is not polite or beautiful or poetic…death is ugly and cold and lonely.  I have to admit, I have used that phrase, but it tastes bitter in my mouth.  I have yet to use the phrase “my late husband”…again, it just sounds too polite and proper.  I just don’t have it in me.  As a society I think death just makes us so incredibly uncomfortable that we choose to tip-toe around it.  I understand, I was the same way.  But death is real folks.  It’s a reality.  It’s one of the few sure things in this life.  I read an article the other day about being thankful for your husband and in it they mentioned being thankful because there are widows who are alone.  I’m not totally sure why that bothered me so much.  Maybe because that’s my life it was talking about and ya, it sucks, but I can think of a whole lot worse things.  I mean, just look at the faces of these little ones…breaks your heart.  Or maybe it bothered me because I know that’s the way I used to think.  I had a great fear of losing my husband.  But the reality is that more than likely (unless you happen to die at the same time, or divorce, which is a completely different form of loss), are you ready for this?  YOU WILL LOSE YOUR SPOUSE.  It’s reality.  When you said your vows, “till death do us part”, that’s not only a promise you made to each other to be faithful, that’s your future.  Why am I saying this?  Well, I have a few reasons…and they are very practical.  One, get life insurance…get more than what you think you need…and get it TODAY.  Not “just in case” you need it, but because you WILL need it.  Two, especially if you have children, make out a will and don’t wait till one of you is on your death-bed like we did.  Three, as much as you can, plan out your funeral.  It’s one of the best gifts Josiah ever gave me.  If you think the people around you will just know what you would want…they won’t.  And you don’t need to put that pressure on them during that time.  When Josiah printed a form off the internet to get him started planning his, he printed off two and we filled them out together.  No, it wasn’t fun, but it was time well spent and it made the couple days leading up to his funeral so much easier because even with all that we had decided, there was still plenty of things to get done.  And I don’t care if you are married or single, these are important…just do it (yes, I borrowed the phrase, it’s effective don’t ya think?).

OK, I’m off my soap box.  I’ve cried through most of this…but I guess I just needed to get a lot off my mind!  The rest is up to you.