Thoughts

See

/ heartmomma / 14 Comments

It’s been one month since I heard my dear husband’s voice.  The last coherent words I remember him saying to me were “I’m so proud of you” as he lovingly (although a bit clumsily) touched my face.  If I close my eyes, I can still feel his gentle, strong hand on my face…oh how I miss it!  Such a precious memory to me.  That memory came flooding back to me today.  I had necklaces made from Josiah’s fingerprint and the hospice house called me today to tell me that they were in.  So, me and the kids went to go pick them up.  Ava was full of questions…she knows what the hospice house is, and in some sense, she knows what it is for…I had to explain to her exactly what we were doing and that no, Daddy wasn’t there…because he isn’t sick any more…he’s in heaven, praise God!  My kids know exactly where the toys are in that place and they feel very comfortable there…the things they think are normal hurts my heart.  The staff was so gracious and kind…just like I knew they would be…and I got the necklaces and left.  I was fine until we got in the car and I opened the box and touched his fingerprint…made from the hand that I held as he took his last breath…made from the finger that he proudly wore his wedding ring on…and I just lost it…and cried all the way home.

(I couldn’t get a great picture where you could actually see his fingerprint. Trust me, it’s beautiful…and it rests right by my heart)

In my devotions this morning God kept showing me nuggets to get through the day…and then I came to my reading in Philippians which happened to be in chapter 2…verse 1-4 happens to be the passage that we chose for our wedding…you better believe the tears flowed.  At first, I was a little frustrated that even reading my Bible could bring up such memories…and then I was unbelievably joyful and thankful that I had the kind of husband that reading God’s Word could remind me of him.  I was am so blessed!

So, yes…I have cried today and there has been painful things to walk through today…but I have been able to stop crying and I am claiming that as a victory.  Not that I won’t have more days like yesterday, but being able to keep going on a day like today and being able to “do the next thing”, is a clear sign of God’s grace in my life…because when I am weak (and I am SO weak), then He is strong (and He is SO strong) (2 Corinthians 12:9).

I’m going to end this post with the lyrics of the song that I drove home to today.  Amidst my tears and pain, I have the most amazing HOPE…someday I will SEE…I will no longer have to walk by faith…I will walk by sight (2 Corinthians 5:6-8).

See – Steven Curtis Chapman

Right now all I can taste are bitter tears
And right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow
But from the other side of all this pain
Is that you I hear, laughing loud and calling out to me?

Saying “See, it’s everything you said that it would be,
And even better than you would believe.
And I’m counting down the days until you’re here with me,
And finally, you’ll see.”

But right now, all I can say is “Lord, how long
Before you come and take away this aching?”
This night of weeping seems to have no end.
But when the morning light breaks through,
We’ll open up our eyes and we will see

It’s everything that He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And he’s counting down the days ’til He says “Come with me.”
And finally he’ll wipe every tear from our eyes
And make everything new, just like he promised
Wait and see, just wait and see, wait and see

And I’m counting down the days until I see
It’s everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And I’m counting down the days ’til He says, “Come with me.”
And finally, we’ll see. We will see.

Oh taste and see that the Lord is good, the Lord is good
The Lord is good. Oh taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good.

Wednesday ramblings

/ heartmomma / 18 Comments
  • I know it’s been a few days…I’m trying to find some kind of balance in my life…sometimes I wish there was more than one of me, are ya picking up what I’m putting down?  Sooooo many hats to wear…I want to at least wear the most important ones well.
  • I am so used to making decisions as a part of three…me, Josiah and God…now it’s just me and God and that’s not a bad thing…it’s a pretty incredible thing…but it’s taking some getting used to.  At times I am tempted to panic…if only Josiah was here he would know what to do…but God is right there beside me, ready to lead me.
  • Three weeks today.  Josiah has been in glory for three weeks.  God has brought us through three weeks.  I don’t really find Wednesdays to be any harder than other days…there is just an extra ache in my heart.  But I don’t need a certain day to remind me of anything…those memories are constantly with me.
  • I looked at Josiah’s death certificate for the first time today.  It looks so similar to our marriage certificate…but it means something so different.  Reading that hurt.
  • There are piles of paper around here that I am constantly trying to stay on top of.  In going through one of those piles the other day I found copies of the “Do not Resuscitate” form that Josiah had filled out.  Brought back memories of Christmas Eve when he signed that.  He looked at me before he signed and said “are we sure this is what we should do?” and I looked right back at him and said “yes”…even though everything in me wanted to scream NO!  I can’t imagine what it was like for him to sign that.  I threw those pages away…he doesn’t need them any more, Praise be to God!
  • I cleaned the bathroom this week.  Yes, it had been too long and yes, it was gross.  I had to take down Josiah’s towel.  I had to laugh a little because it was hung up, but not neatly like I always wanted him to.  Then I cried and just held that towel.  Somehow it made me feel closer to him…and that was both good and it hurt so much.  I knew I needed to take it down but it was just another painful good-bye.  I sat in the bathroom, holding that towel, and crying out to God…I had to say out loud “Lord, I would not have him back…but I just want to be there with him”.  No, if given the choice, I would not bring him back…sometimes I have to say that…to push aside my selfish desires.  I love him to much to bring him back to this world.  I actually had a debate in my head of whether or not I should hang up just one clean towel or two.  These are the kinds of things I have to decide…they may not seem like big decisions…but they still take thought.  It’s not like I was given a manual on widowhood (I still don’t like that word)…young widowhood isn’t exactly the hip thing to write about.  So, I’m paving my own way.  In the end, I hung up two towels…it just looked better that way (I know you were wondering).
  • Sometimes Josiah seems so very far away and thinking about him being in heaven is not helpful or comforting.  But sometimes…it’s such an incredible thought I can’t even put it into words.  A little knowing smile will form on my face and a shine in my eyes…I know I have that look because sometimes I see it on Ava’s face too.  Last Sunday night, I took the kids to church (it had been so long since we had been able to go to the night service that when I explained to Ava that we were going to church, she said “again?”), we sang a song that is normally not a favorite of mine…for no particular reason.  But in the chorus it goes through a list of the names of God and as I was singing it, I just can’t explain it, but I pictured Josiah praising God too…only he was doing it face to face…and I felt our hearts connected like they used to be when we would pray together…only better!  It felt like God was uniting us again…just like he did here on earth.  That’s the best I can explain it.  Heaven is more real to me than it has ever been…it’s gonna be incredible!
  • Ava and I have daily talks about heaven and Daddy.  Both of these topics are very natural subjects in our house and I’m so thankful for that.  Just today Ava said something about Jesus taking Daddy to heaven and how Jesus would take us to heaven someday too.  I have been trying to give her only as much information as I think she can handle, but I realized today that I’ve never told her that there are lots of other people in heaven too.  I had also never explained to her about baby Grace and so I started with telling Ava about her and I told Ava that Daddy had her baby sister to love on.  Ava’s still processing that one, but she smiled.  Then I started telling her about people from the Bible being in heaven and Daddy getting to meet them.  I started listing off different names from the Bible and I ended with “and Peter is in heaven too!” and Ava replied “Peter Pan?”.  Wellllll…I quickly explained that one and then moved on to a new subject.  I love her randomness!

I guess I will end there.  Thanks for putting up with my random thoughts today…hmmmm, I wonder where Ava gets that from.