As I was looking at our family picture above, of all four of us together and Josiah looking healthy and himself….it seems like that time was a dream.  When we were just at home and together.  I miss it.

Josiah has had some rough days and nights.  He is very confused and not himself much of the time.  He can switch from being almost childlike and totally dependent on me for every little thing, to belligerent and paranoid and fearful.  He can change from one moment to another without warning.  There have been a couple times when he has not known who I am and he has accused me of lying to him.  I know this is the medication making him act this way…but it still hurts.

Last night he woke up and his eyes were wide open (he has hardly opened his eyes at all in days) and I can’t even explain the look on his face…like he was seeing me but also looking right past me to a world I could not see.  He thought his time had come and he kept telling me he loved me and wanting to hold me.  We cuddled in his bed for quite a while.  He wanted everyone to know how much he loved his children.  He wanted to make sure he had everything taken care of.  He wanted his parents to come and he spoke loving words to them.  He prayed and sang “There will be a Day”.  He was ready to go…but God was not ready yet.  He was a little restless last night, but not as bad as the couple nights before.  He is still with us and I am thankful for that gift.

Sometimes I wonder how much my heart can take.  There is a real, physical pain when you feel your heart breaking.  I have felt it one time before when I said good-bye to my daughter before her last surgery and I truly thought that would be the last time I saw her.  I started feeling it last night and I just prayed that God would hold my heart together.  Josiah needs me to be strong.  He does not do well with a lot of emotions right now.  So…I cry in the bathroom, or as I go to sleep.  I can feel my heart slowly…painstaikingly…being ripped apart.  But for now, I need to keep it together.  I pray I am able to continue to do good for my husband (Galatians 6:9) until he reaches Heaven’s gates and the open arms of Jesus.  God is faithfully giving me balm for my soul through His Word.  All of my energy and focus is on my husband right now and while there will be some relief when he is in his real home and in no more pain, I know my pain will just be beginning.  For now, I am living one day at a time…sometimes one moment at a time…and God is giving me the strength for that.

Sometimes it’s hard to know when to update.  Things can change moment to moment…they have for the past 10 months.  Josiah’s pain has increased quite a bit over the past week.  We have tried to make some changes in his meds at home (with the help of the doctor of course) but that just was not cutting it, so we came back to the hospice house yesterday.  They tried one med last night through his port which didn’t seem to work, so we are on to plan B today.  We are going to switch over his narcotics from pill form to his port.  This option offers more steady pain relief, Josiah will be able to increase it with a touch of a button, and he won’t have to take so many pills (which have started to upset his stomach).  We are hoping and praying that this gives him the relief that he needs.  Josiah’s lung function has improved a lot and we have stopped using his drainage tube every day because there is nothing to drain in that area.  He is having a lot of swelling in other areas where his tumors are growing.  His leg is of course giving him trouble.  Sometimes I forget what I’ve mentioned and what I haven’t, but Josiah’s main tumor is in his right thigh and because of the growth of that tumor he has lost a lot of the circulation in his leg all the way down to his foot.  It has also caused a lot of swelling, to the point that his right leg is more than double the size of his left leg.  This has been going on for quite a while, but it continues to get worse.

It doesn’t surprise us that he is having increasing symptoms, but it doesn’t get any easier seeing someone I love so much in so much pain and discomfort.  We don’t have the hope that he is going to get better, we have the knowledge that things are going to get worse.  Without a direct miracle from God (which we believe is, without a doubt, still possible), Josiah’s body will continue to deteriorate.  Even if God did heal Josiah from his cancer, his body would still get old and die eventually.  Really, we have been fighting against death, not cancer.  We are all appointed to die (Hebrews 9:27), and God holds those times in His hands(Psalm 139:16).  Death really is a part of this life.  In a sense, we are living among the dead and only in heaven will we be among the living.  We were made for heaven and for those of us that really know Christ as our Savior, that brings hope and peace that can not be explained.  The trials of this world are very real and very painful, but we have a joy that is set before us!  Please pray that we will run this race with endurance (Hebrews 12:1-2), and joy (Acts 20:24).  We do feel weary.  I have never prayed for God’s mercy so much and with so much understanding of what it means.  But we know that God’s grace is sufficient and we are claiming that promise.