Sucks, sucks, SUCKS.  A lot.

I don’t usually talk like that, but I’ve been wanting to use that  tittle for a while now and today seemed appropriate.  Yesterday, we had the talk.  The hospice talk.  I kinda figured it was coming, but I wasn’t expecting it at this appointment.  Josiah was scheduled to go to Iowa City yesterday for a chest x-ray and a check-up with his oncologist.  He’s been having trouble with his lungs, shortness of breath and some coughing.  The x-ray showed fluid in half of his right lung…a result of the tumors.  There is not much that can be done, it will probably just keep getting worse.  It’s not like they gave him a timeline or anything, they really have no idea what the future holds.  But they did think that getting hospice on board for when we need them would be a good idea.  It was an emotional meeting.  Everyone shed some tears…I think the doctor teared up too.

Sometimes I feel like we have packed a life-time of experiences into the past five years and it makes me feel old and tired…just completely worn out.  Other times I feel so young and inadequate to deal with some of this and make all the decisions that we have to make.  But most of the time I feel a confusing mixture of the two…yesterday I felt like I was in the winter of my life and also so unequiped to know what to do…I’m only 25 for crying out loud and It’s not like you cover this in pre-marital counseling or anything.  The hospital staff were all very nice and caring about everything, but it’s still decisions that WE have to make.  It sucks.  I hate that this stuff taints everything we do…even though we try not to let it, it’s always there.

I really do experience God’s peace…but it’s a moment by moment struggle to stay in that place of peace and trust and I often do not win that fight.  In our doctors meetings it’s an even harder battle.  Usually at home I keep my myself so busy with laundry and dishes and cooking and cleaning and reading books and dealing with 1-yr old tantrums and 3-yr old tantrums and playing games and doing “projects” and talking with my hubby, that I don’t let myself have time to cry too much, or be sad too much, or be angry too much, or depressed too much.  It’s a good thing.  And this is not a plea for more help or meals because you all have been MORE than generous and giving.  But after meetings like we had yesterday, I feel so overwhelmed by all that I have on my plate.  I would not trade one second of my life with Josiah for anything…but I hate that I am slowly saying good-bye to him.  There are times when I feel like I just can not go on…but I do.  God leads me a long just one step at a time.  I wish I could say that this journey has made me stronger and more faithful in spending time in the Word and in prayer.  But I don’t feel that way.  The things I struggled with before and are just magnified now.

So, there you have it.  It sucks doesn’t it?  I’m not even going to try to wrap this up.  I just can’t tonight.  I hope you all know me well enough by now to know that this is just a small part of what is going on in my heart.  There are many happy, thankful thoughts in my head as well…it’s just not what’s coming out tonight.