Since it is Sanctity of Life Sunday, I thought this post was appropriate for today.  I love that God has a purpose and a plan for every life…there are no accidents.

I have been reminded often of late that I no longer have a “baby”.  No longer do I need to buy the infant Tylenol.  No longer do I have a child in a crib (as of this week).  I got pregnant with Lincoln when Ava was Lincoln’s age and that realization made me a little sad.  All that said, I LOVE the ages that my kids are at right now.  I’ve said this at every age, but I think these are my favorites 🙂  I LOVE that I have a child for each hand and I LOVE that I can still fit them both on my lap.  I’m so thankful for my little family and because of that I wanted to share a little more about how it came to be.

When Josiah and I began our love story and started talking about having a family one day, we always said we wanted a bunch of kids.  A bunch meaning 4-6.  He came from a family of four siblings and I came from a family of five and we both loved that.  From the time I was a very little girl I always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom and I never wavered from that.  Thankfully, we never had issues getting pregnant (looking back I am incredibly thankful for that…we had so little time), and after we had been married 6 months and decided that we would be thrilled to have a baby, I got pregnant.  We were SO excited and pleasantly surprised 🙂  After Ava was born with her heart defect, I was petrified of having another baby.  We talked to different doctors and we knew that our chances of having another heart baby were higher now that we had one.  But God placed in me this deep deep desire for another baby around Ava’s 1st birthday.  Because of her on-going health issues I knew it wasn’t the right time for another child, but I was grateful for that desire in my heart.  We got pregnant later that year after getting some huge answers to prayer regarding Ava’s heart and even though she was still facing issues, I was ready for the challenge of having another baby.  God took that baby home just a couple of weeks later and I was so confused by that.  Why would God place that deep desire in my heart and bring me to a place of trusting Him with another child only to snatch her away so soon.  I still don’t know the answer to those questions but I trust that it was for our good.  Josiah and I learned a lot through that process.  We had already learned so much about how each of us handled sorrow when dealing with everything with Ava, and losing Grace was just another lesson.

We got pregnant again right around Ava’s 2nd birthday and we were cautiously excited.  We both loved that new life with all of our hearts, but because of our last pregnancy, it was different and I eventually became OK with that.  Getting past each milestone helped and the day Lincoln was born brought such healing to our hearts.  No drama.  Just a healthy, beautiful baby boy.  We reveled in that “normalcy”.  Of course, in the weeks to come when Lincoln showed his true colors, we began to talk about maybe having two kids was enough 🙂  We had a boy and a girl and with our current financial status, maybe two would be just fine.  We were both too sleep deprived to make an informed decision, so it was just talk.  I assumed that eventually we would have more children.  I started thinking of us as being a “normal” family.  No longer did I see us as the family with the child with special needs…we were just “normal” and I really thought it would stay that way.  Until right after Ava’s 3rd birthday when the bomb hit and my whole “normal” world was completely turned upside down and inside out.  My husband was diagnosed with cancer.  And not a “normal” cancer…a rare cancer.  Because of the treatments he would have to endure we were told that the likelihood of us ever being able to conceive children again was slim.  We were told our options.  We talked and prayed about our options.  But we had very limited time to make a decision because Josiah’s life was at stake.  We seriously considered using a bank that would freeze what we would need to make babies (I know what it’s called, I just don’t want any weird google searches), but the night before Josiah was supposed to go to said “bank”, we talked and neither of us felt comfortable with it.  For one, it was going to be a big expense…although, how do you put a price on your unborn children?  But we decided that was just not how God wanted to plan our family.  So, I died to ever having any more biological children.  That was not easy for me.  But I figured we could use the money that we would have put into the “bank” and use it to adopt.  I always wanted to adopt.  And who knows, maybe the chemo wouldn’t harm Josiah in that way…we were trusting the Lord with that one.

Then that summer we got the news that the chemo treatments were not succesful and Josiah had a limited time on this earth.  And one of the many things I had to come to terms with was being content with the two beautiful blessings that I had.  That was not easy.  I was twenty-five years old and having to put down the yearnings of my heart.  But God gave peace and while the yearnings for more babies didn’t go away, I was content.  Then later that summer I thought I was pregnant and I really freaked out for soooo many reasons.  I kept it to myself for a while and then I couldn’t help but spill it to my husband.  And you know what?  He responded like he had with every other pregnancy, with peace in his heart and love in his eyes.  And I was yet again amazed and fell more in love with him.  His unwavering faith that it was going to be OK caused me to embrace this potential new life.  Then a couple of days later it was confirmed that I was indeed NOT pregnant nor had I been and I was relieved and crushed at the same time.  Just when I had gotten to a good place of contentment then my heart was opened anew, only to have to deal with that pain all over again.  While I don’t understand why God allowed all those details to take place, and while my heart still doesn’t feel completely “done” having children, I am content…and beyond grateful that I have the two children that I have.  Most days, they run me ragged and every day I am so thankful for them.  They are my treasures.  They are my gifts both from their Heavenly Father and their earthly Daddy.

All this to say, I know that my family definitely does not look like I had planned…you know, with my six children running around me and my husband by my side.  And I have NO idea what God has planned for our future…but I do know it’s God’s plan for me right here and right now and while that knowledge is so painful at times…I trust Him.