So…I’ve been quiet.  On my blog at least.  And now I’m so far behind on things I don’t even know where to start.  I guess I’ll start with this…

I miss him.

I miss him…a lot.

Maybe that sounds too simple…but it’s the truth.  I feel like I am missing him more and more as time goes on but maybe I’ve just been missing him longer so if you add it up, it is more.   I’m sitting here listening to a spring storm and missing him.  He loved a good thunder-storm and I don’t…so we would meet in the middle and just cuddle through them…I miss that.  The last couple weeks have been busy.  Two weeks ago I was working on a different project which tied up my computer MUCH longer then planned.  Last week was quite busy so there wasn’t much left over time for blog posting.  So, those are some excuses for my absence…but the real truth is that I’ve been having some difficult days…especially last week.  I can’t point to just one thing that sent me spinning, I’m sure it’s just a combination of a whole bunch of things.  But regardless of the reason, I was hit by a tidal wave of grief last week.  When it hits this hard I feel like I am just wearing a shroud of grief and it’s so difficult to see beyond it.  Life keeps going on and so I have to go with it.  I have responsibilities that no matter what the state of my heart is in, I’ve got to keep pressing on.  But I have felt this week like I have been barely keeping my head above water.  I feel exhausted…not sure why, I just do.  Everything just feels like so much more of an effort when grief is weighing on me so much.  Putting this stuff into words is good for me…I know that…but sometimes I just don’t have it in me.  I’m “kinda” stubborn and apparently I don’t learn very quickly because when I don’t “feel” like talking or writing I just don’t, even though I know that I would heal faster and better if I would just face it head on and deal with everything.  Maybe someday I will learn.

Anyway, when people ask me how I’m doing, I try not to lie.  I usually won’t say I’m doing “good” if I’m really not.  In fact, I think I’ve only answered “good” a handful of times this past year.  But, I will admit, sometimes it just slips out because sometimes (ok, most of the time) I don’t really want to answer with “well, I am so overwhelmed I can’t see straight, single parent-hood is kicking my behind, and I cried myself to sleep last night…how are you?”.  Usually I just say “I’m OK” which is the simple truth.

Loneliness is always present…but sometimes it feels so crushing…especially at night.  My kids are growing and changing and learning every day and it grieves me to think about how much Josiah would love watching it with me.  I can just hear him repeating some dare-devil stunt of Lincoln’s or some funny story of Ava’s with that proud little look on his face…I miss that.

This is a heavy post.  Of course, like always, this isn’t everything.  There is always more going on and I’ll hopefully get caught up on all the rest in another post.  God is faithful…even when I am not (2 Timothy 2:13).  He is patiently guiding me even when I feel like I take a step forward and then two steps back and have to re-learn everything.  There are days when I just have to keep repeating to myself “joy comes in the morning”…morning can’t be far away.

“That I may proclaim with the voice of thanksgiving,

And tell of all Your wondrous works.”  (Psalm 26:7)

Ava’s cardio appointment went great!  Praise God!  Her heart is working well and we don’t need to go back for another year.  In fact, Ava is doing so well that her doc took her off the last medication she was on (baby aspirin)…she is med free for the first time in her life!  That is HUGE!  Sooooo thankful!  Relief just flooded my heart after her appointment.  On the way there, I was praying and I told God that the desire of my heart was that Ava would have a good report…but that more than that, I wanted His will to be done.  Sounds noble right?  It’s not.  I know that Ava’s life is in His hands and His plan will be fulfilled in her life regardless of my feelings on the matter…but it’s so much easier and more peaceful if I surrender to Him.  Anyway, after we got in the car after Ava’s appointment, the tears flowed and I could finally feel like I could breathe again.  I am so thankful that God showed His mercy to sweet Ava today and didn’t ask us to walk through that valley again.  He would have brought me through it…but I’m thankful His plan was mercy.

I am also thankful for the wonderful people at Ava’s cardiologist office.  You guys are the best and you all hold such a special place in my heart!  And I am thankful for all the prayers being lifted up for us this weekend…they make a difference…trust me.

Time to go celebrate with my soon-to-be 4-yr-old!