Why do people do what that they do? Do you ever wonder that? I find it so interesting to learn peoples stories and hear what made them who they are and what brought them where they are.

So, why does someone choose to share their personal stories on the world wide web? And since this is my own little space on the internet…why am I here? This is honestly something I’ve thought about a lot so I thought I’d share. But any good story should start from the beginning so…

I always loved writing in school. I have a notebook from when I was about six with the first story I ever wrote down. But, I’ve always been a private person so most of my written down thoughts were kept in my diary or journal for my eyes only (unless one of my brothers happened to find it). I’ve also always loved to read and became fascinated early on by the different types of writing. Reading a good use of vocabulary or a good turn of phrase…or finding that perfect word myself is just so good!

Ok…so I’m a nerd.

But I never had any aspirations of sharing my love of words.

Then enter Ava. My sweet firstborn who’s medical situation could change drastically from hour to hour. I believe it was one of my brothers and my first husband (and probably a few others) who set up her little web page. I wasn’t even there and when I was told about it, I thought it was weird and I had no desire to write on it. But it became the perfect place to give Miss Ava updates in a timely manner (life before Facebook!). And her story spread quickly around the world! So many praying for her…and us. I took over posting on her page and eventually it became more than just updates on her…I started sharing more about how it felt to be her mom and about what God was doing in all of our lives.

When Ava came home, we didn’t have internet. So, I could only post when I was at my parents house….or when I could snag my neighbors internet. But I continued to update here and there about our lives. I was getting to the point of maybe moving our story to a different space since Ava was doing so well…when my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I started this space (although it has changed names a few times) while sitting in a hospital watching my husband get his first chemo treatment.

Caring for my dying husband and two small children during the next 10 months, my world became very small and this space became more and more of an outlet for me. And even more so after my husband passed.

Fast forward and I shared the story of God bringing Dustin into my life and our families joining together! I shared bits and pieces after that…but nothing consistent.

My blog posts had become so few and far between that a couple years ago I started wondering if I should even keep it up at all. I had run out of words…or at least it felt like that. I didn’t have any dramatic updates to give (of which I was very thankful!), but there were things that I was going through….I just had no idea how to write about them.

Truthfully, God had a lot to work out in my life…and He still does…but I’m further than I was.

So, I started praying about what God wanted me to do with this crazy, unlikely, little blog of mine. Shortly after I started praying I was reading in the book of Mark about the demon possessed man that Jesus freed and restored. As Jesus was about to leave, the man followed Him and begged Jesus to take him too. But Jesus said no. And then He said this:

“Go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how He has had mercy on you.” (Mark 5:19)

I read that and what it said to my heart was this:

stay where you are and tell your story.

That was almost two years ago now…but it has stayed with me. It has taken time and more work in my heart to be in a place of vulnerability again…trusting that God will bring the words. And I don’t know for how long or what parts exactly…but I know I want to continue to share my story. Because we are given stories to share and we are given struggles so we can reach back and help others…in whatever ways God leads.

So…what story do you have to share?

 

I started writing a post last night in a quiet idyllic setting in the light of the Christmas lights after my kids were asleep. It was deep and introspective.

Then I woke up today to a sad and feverish little boy who just wants cuddles and Paw Patrol.

Real life.

Sometimes reality checks are good for me. They bring me back from my too deep thoughts. Because sometimes I just think too much. So I decided to start this post over and combine the introspective with the practical.

Yesterday was full of remembering. It was the ten year mark of my miscarriage of my sweet baby Grace. I always remember but it’s been a long time since I felt this emotional. Such a deeply personal memory. But in my sadness, I also remembered all of the blessings. My Mom remembers every year and that is so sweet to me. I remember going to a family Christmas within weeks of losing Grace and my Aunt staying up late and just listening to my raw thoughts and emotions. I’ll never forget that. I have a box with all of the sweet cards and notes I was sent from loving family and friends. I remember my Grandpa sharing his own sorrow of losing his great grandchild and how that made me feel less alone in my loss. And I have other memories that are just for me.

I have always felt a certain amount of melancholy during the holidays, even as a child. I’d like to put my finger on the reason…but I think it’s a whole mixture of things. This is not always the “happiest time of the year”, and that’s ok. I do love Christmas. I love all the traditions. I love finding that “perfect” gift. I love experiencing my children’s excitement. I love the simplicity and wonder of the Christmas story.

I’ve been reading through the Old Testament in my devotions and over and over God commands us to remember. In Luke 2 it says that “Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart”. I’ve always identified with that. This is a perfect season to carve out time to remember, ponder, reflect…and to share! Share the blessings and goodness of God in my life through the hard and sad and also through the happy.

Because if all I do is just dwell and wallow in my sadness then I’ve missed the point. Reflecting and pondering on God’s faithfulness is what brings meaning to my memories and a deep joy in the midst of all the conflicting feelings and emotions.

“Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children’s children.” Deuteronomy 4:9

Remember. Reflect. Ponder. Share.

And have a joyful Christmas!