Perfect

This may come as a surprise to you but…wait for it…I am NOT a perfect mother.

I drop the ball.

For example, I took Weston to an allergy doctor this morning. I had planned ahead. The diaper bag was packed with all my baby tricks (toys, extra bottle, diapers, etc…). I had looked over my directions to make sure I knew where I was going. I had the baby carrier in the van.  I had filled out the paperwork they had sent me and it was safely packed in said diaper bag. I had my coffee in hand and I had actually eaten breakfast.  We left on time and got there 20 minutes early. Which is unheard of for me as I am notoriously late.  We are the family that is late for church…for the late service.

Anyway…so I had all my ducks in a row right? So far anyway. I found a good parking spot.  Weston was happily babbling in his car seat.   But, I took one more sip of coffee and reached down to grab my diaper bag and discovered that I had left my diaper bag at home.  By the back door.  With my insurance card and my ID.

Yep.

Didn’t have time to go home and it would take months to get another appointment.  Awesome.

Thankfully, everything worked out fine.  But I hate those moments when I “fail”.  When I feel like a “bad mommy”.

But do you know who didn’t care?  My son.  All he cared about was that I was there for him.  To wipe his tears and make him feel secure. That’s all. He wasn’t looking for perfect…he just wanted his mom.IMG_6003

A good lesson for me to remember.

Last Sunday was a typical crazy, rushed morning and we were typically late. Singing had already begun and my heart and mind were distracted.

I was trying to get focused on what I was singing about but one of my kids (who shall remain nameless) was being repeatedly disobedient and after repeatedly correcting said child, I was frustrated. How could I sing when I was not focused and having peaceful thoughts? How could I worship when it didn’t feel like I was offering something perfect?

Wait a minute…there’s something wrong here.

And God tugged on my heart in that moment.

When have I ever offered “perfect” worship?

When has God ever required perfect worship?

Answer – never.

So, in that moment I offered up my distracted and frustrated heart to worship God and I found no condemnation.

Only acceptance.

I was humbled in that moment to think that this honesty was more worshipful than any false perfection…scratch that…pride that I could offer.

How many times have I told others that God wants us to come as we are and here I was needing to believe it for myself.

I do love when I can put all my attention to corporate worship. I love it!

But that is no more of a sweet aroma than when I come with an honest…albeit distracted…heart.

Because when I honestly acknowledge my imperfections, that’s when I can fully experience God’s PERFECT grace.

And that’s so much better than putting on the facade of perfection.

 

Reflection

Time has such a unique way of changing your perspective.  You no longer have just the emotions and thoughts of the moment.  So when I look back four years to my twenty-five year old self sitting in a dimly lit hospice room watching my husband take his last breath, I remember it all so clearly.  But time has made it just that.  A memory.  This day every year has become like my New Year’s Day.  It’s a day I remember and reflect.

It was the day that Josiah’s life ended here and his perfect life began.

It was the day that, for the first time, I watched death…and somehow my fear of it was taken away.

It was the day that changed my life in so many ways.

It was an end and a beginning.

And God has been faithful!  He has carried me when I was in the desert of my grief.  He healed, restored, and made deeper my broken heart. He made Himself known to me in ways I never dreamed.

“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.  Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?  Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.  ‘Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.’  I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you…” Job 42:2-5

Much was taken away from me…but God has added beyond what I could imagine.

God has brought me a second Love of my Life!

“God is able to do far more than we could ever ask for or imagine. 

He does everything by His power that is working in us.” Ephesians 3:20

God has added not one…not two…but three children to my heart!

And when I see this sweet face:

Imagehow can I not just be in awe of God’s plans?

“I know the plans I have for you,” announces the Lord.  “I want you to enjoy success.  I do not plan to harm you.  I will give you hope for the years to come.  Then you will call out to me.  You will come and pray to me.  And I will listen to you.  When you look for me with all your heart, you will find me.”  Jeremiah 29:11-13

There are no words to accurately describe what’s in my heart except for maybe this…

I vividly remember the first words that I murmured after Josiah died were “Thank You Jesus.”

And those are the words that so clearly ring in my mind and heart tonight.

“Thank You Jesus!”