Abandoned.

Misplaced.

Insecure.

Overwhelmed.

Lonely.

These are just a few feelings that can come on me suddenly and often, it seems, without a valid reason.  But that last one…loneliness…is present a lot.  It’s not because I don’t have people around me…I’m just lonely for him…and no one else can fill that place.  But there are times when I just feel…alone.  For instance, the other night while I was driving home, I was crying out to God and telling Him that I felt so completely alone.  He spoke to my heart and said “Jess, you know nothing about being alone”.  I felt rebuked, but also encouraged.  My God PROMISES that He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5)…so He’s right, I can never know what it truly feels like to be alone because He is always there.  Am I lonely?  Yes, of course I am and God knows that…but am I alone…absolutely not!

Recently, I read in my devotions Colossians 2:10 – “and you are COMPLETE in Him, who is the head of all principality and power”.  Such balm to my soul…but it’s something I have to remind myself of because I don’t feel complete…in fact I feel quite the opposite.  But living out my faith means I will stand on that promise and I will claim it as mine and I will choose to believe it.

That’s what God has been up to in my heart.  I am not alone…and I am complete in Him.

To say this week has been tough would be an understatement.  The pain gets deeper and the tears and exhausting sobs come more often.  I am sleeping better, which is a blessing…I think my body had finally had enough.  I dread going to bed though…it’s so lonely.  I think mornings are harder.  I wake up and my reality washes over me like a cold shower.  Even in my dreams, I don’t think I ever “forget”…but there is some relief in sleep.  Waking up, I just don’t want to get up…but I don’t want to stay in my empty bed either.  Thankfully, my kids usually don’t give me an option 🙂  I love them.

Anyway, I thought I would share a couple quick verses that God has just spoken right to my heart with…they are both about the morning, isn’t that cool?  The first one God showed me the night before Josiah’s funeral.  I was feeling…well, I don’t think there are words for that actually, but God gave me this verse:

“My voice You shall hear in the morning O Lord,

In the morning I will direct it to You,

And I will look up.” Psalm 5:3

Isn’t that cool?  I felt that verse to my very soul and the next day the phrase “And I will look up” filled my mind so often and kept me going when I didn’t think that I could.

The other verse I’m going to share with you, God gave to me last Saturday night.  It had been a tough day and I was taking the kids to church for the first time…alone…the next day.  I read this:

“Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,

For in You do I trust;

Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,

For I lift up my soul to You.”  Psalm 143:8

I love that God is meeting me right where I am.  I have to admit, there have been times this week when even God’s promises didn’t feel like enough…but I KNOW they are.  Choosing to focus and believe that He is enough, is my choice.

I am choosing to rest in Him today.